Getting a background story

It doesn't excuse behavior but when you get a background story it pieces together things you might question or gaps in an answer.  People still need to hold themselves accountable but being equipped with that information helps to figure the next step

Jeremy

He's my rock.  He's my person. He grounds me. He inspires me.

Reactions

Maybe it's because of Jeremy's Zen behavior. ..but I don't react the same Waugh I did 5 years ago...let alone 10. My body goes into a physiological crisis or stress mode. That puts a toll on my condition.  Obviously life is going to have stress. It's up to me to figure out how to c contain it

Together

When you care about people whether blood bound or not...you hurt when they hurt. You're happy when they're happy.  That's a true part of people who are really together.  They bond.

Noticing things

If you are lucky enough you notice things about ones you love.  You notice when they like something..or for that matter..don't.  I noticed of my cat too.  It's a sign of caring that you notice the little things.  It means you're paying attention to their needs.  At least that's what I would like to believe...if someone is noticing things about me.  

Sentimental

I love how symbolism gives way to sentiment.  Certain tangible things provide a pleasant memory.  Those memories prove a comfort for us. It's why I'm big on memory boxes. I'm also fascinated by symbolism and how it affects our psyche.  Being sentimental. ..It's a good trait on a person.

Long day

Preparing for holidays.  Getting the place ready.  We'll call it my version of spring cleaning.  Another day. Another blog.

Sometimes goodbye is the only way to better health

So I had a friend reconnection recently.  But it did bring back some memories on how exactly we met.  Sometimes we end up connecting to people through mutual people that you end up saying good bye.  It is a very interesting thing that someone I am friends with exes or friends of ex friends.  In this case, it's an ex of a friend.  I was having an interesting conversation on having to say good bye to people.  I don't like saying goodbye.  But sometimes goodbye is the only way to better health.  And if you ever tell me "get over it...." yeah...sometimes goodbye is the only way to better health.  There were many reasons for goodbye.  But the biggest flag should have been that you disrespected my health. 

Being nervous and feeling safe

We can be nervous.  We can feel that our environment is changing or there is a disruption. But feeling safe and comforted by those we love makes all things right in the world. If my cat could talk.....that's all I gotta say.lol

Writing and blogging is therapy

Talking to a therapist is first and foremost the best way to utilize therapeutic skills.  However, life doesn't always work out that way.  Writing in a journey helps to gait what you are feeling...that moment...that feeling.  It helps you reflect on things.  At least...that's my take on things.  Blogging has been therapy.  Putting my thoughts into the world. I feel like it's yelling into the void...but with a whisper.  What is most extraordinary is that people have read.  I once said that by one person reading it would change me.  Imagine my surprise when it was more than one.  Silent audience.  I thank you.  In a strange way you helped me deal with the ins and outs of my issues.  Toxic friends, relationship issues, inner turmoil with myself, philosophical queries.  Writing like this has been amazing.  I look forward to it everyday of the week.  I take weekends off.  But everyday I look forward to writing something of some substantial.  Or even a silly.  Because let's face it.  Sometimes we need a little silly too.  Perhaps it's this weather making me think of past years.  Where I was during this time.  Yes. Right now. My struggle is a test.  My issues have been in my head.  I'm not saying I won't fail again when I take it.  I'm just saying that I need to stop going crazy in my head.  Here's something to know about me.  I am a happy person.  I am an upbeat person.  But when I have the "blues"...it's like I turn all Eyore

All the sides to a story

There are always three sides to a story.  One side, two side, and the truth.  Your experiences, values, beliefs all play a part in how you interpret certain things in life.  You have to look at all sides to story.  You also have to taken into account the person who this situation is happening to. A conversation today made me really appreciate to remember that.  It's not easy to.  My own opinions can stop me from really understanding a story.  However, I hope that I look at a situation and get the information.  Yes, knowing me there is an emotional element that happens along with the reasoning I am having.  I just want to make sure that not all my decisions are strictly coming from emotional reasoning.  After all, my feelings, rather than the truth will be what drives my decision.  And I have learned that is not a healthy way to live.  Getting a background, finding the information, figuring out what the information means...these all help....to get all the sides of a story.

Reality check

Reality checks don't always have the harshness that one can spin on it.  I got a very beautiful reality check yesterday from a friend.  Sometimes you need that.  Sometimes you need a friend to ground you when you build chaos from your fears and assumptions.  I am lucky to have such a wonderful support system.  They make me a better person.  When a person has your best interest at heart it reminds you that they want you happy.  They want you in a good place.  They want you to be authentic you...whatever form that comes in.  That's a reality check I can live with.

Back to normal...with a new normal

I went back to focusing.  It's something that I have instilled in myself over the years.  You have to press on.  By no means is my new normal leaving Brody behind.  I just have to create this new normal out of my life.  I suppose right now I am quieter.  It did something to me.  It's weird.  I was affected by my friend's passing some months back.  However, because of certain circumstances and perhaps my own status at the time of his death lent me adjust to his absence.  Brody's daily presence and close relationship I had could explain why psychologically it's hitting me harder.  At the same time....I am a hard pressed when it comes to death.  I am deeply affected.  But I also become my own version of stoic.  I have to.  Or I might fall apart.  That's not good for my health.  My physical and mental well being kind of go hand in hand.  My health is a huge priority.  I have been blessed with a wonderful support system.  Each of the crucial players in that support system found a way to connect with me.  I appreciate that.  I find certain comfort in my ways of coping with an unexpected disruption of my normal.  Music, writing, blogging, and friendships all help to keep me grounded or at least stabilize the chaos that runs in my mind.  Jeremy is also a big part of the equation.  I appreciate that I can be myself...whatever part of myself slithers out from time to time.  I am an update person.  I am a jovial and optimistic person...mostly.  I think because of this summer I lost part of that.  I suppose because I am numb to things right now I don't necessarily know the melancholy from the experience.  I lost my spark because of the test. I lost more spark when Brody died.  I want to get that back.  The mere fact I am acknowledging that  might help me to achieve that spark back.  It will be a new spark.  It needs to be.  After all, it's back to normal...with a new normal. 

Adjusting to a different reality

That is the new project.  It's ongoing.  I can't really explain how I'm coping or what I'm doing. It's as if I think of it as it comes.  Tomorrow I shall try to get back to focusing.  Let's see how that goes.

Healing is a process

People have different processes on their journey to healing.  I have experienced an interesting one.  Some parts were beautiful.  Some parts were painful.  Sometimes...they were both.  I am proud of all three of us handling our grief in the most comforting way we can.  We have been there for each other.  Yes. I am even talking about Whiskers.  She misses Brody.  But she still provides me for comfort.  I think that's where she has gotten her comfort and strength.  Jeremy is the link to Brody...not even me.  I am not saying anything against myself.  I just know Brody and Jeremy were close.  I didn't know how close until recently.  Last week was such an emotional week.  It's not like we won't have sad moments.  Trust me...we have quiet moments where Jeremy and I know...we just know...we don't say anything. We don't have to.  There are lots of hugs and I love yous made.  I have wall art that says "Music is what feelings sound like." Another one says, "Where words music speaks".  How true those words are right now.  Music, among other things have been part of my healing process.  Because healing is a process.  It is a journey that looks different for everyone.

Therapy

Today was therapeutic.  Lunch with a supportive friend was great. Whiskers and I have gotten closer.  I can tell she misses him. Then some good therapy tea with another friend.  We talked.  I cried.  And then I met Loki, her cat. It was surreal.  Loki even had some Brody moments.  I am so grateful for the therapeutic healing I got. We get him today. Closure. I will still mourn and grieve. I am still heartbroken.  But I found some closure.

Taking each day as it comes

I am trying to heal.  Sharing my stories has been helpful.  I also found so many pictures that I want to figure out how to save them.  That's kept me busy.  I have so much moral support it's overwhelming.  I'm organizing and adjusting to one cat.  That's a concept that still is foreign to me.  I am just always used to him near me.  Or at least around.  I don't have much for words.  I will bounce back soon enough.  I am just in grief.  But soon I will be able to celebrate him.  Just not too soon.  Thank you for understanding.

Pictures

I'm trying to find all the uploaded pictures of Brody.  The tributes are therapeutic. It will also be good to see a friend for lunch. I've delayed studying for a week. My mindset is not there.  I want to give myself time to mourn.  My seizures seem to have stayed under control.  I've worked at controlling them.  It still has taken a toll on my physical and emotional well being. One day at a time

Project

The day after..... I miss you Brody.  I went for a massage. I wasn't even sure I was going to it.  Leah just let me get my ugly cry out. Then I decided to get a memory box. It was therapeutic.  I also voted. I decided to be strong..  In all my heartbreak and grief I thought. .let's do this.  I even thought ...for you, Brody. That may sound silly. I don't care. I'm going with it.

Heartbroken

Brody, my darling sweet....you passed today.  You were surrounded by love.  You weren't alone. Our memories live on. I am comforted that we had 13 magical years. You were a part of me and then part of a bigger family as a furry Kearney.  Thank you for being beautiful Brody. I love you so much. I kept telling you that. I love you. Mama loves you. My tears will be wrapped with love with all of of the memories I can look back on. Brody, my sweet. .....RIP Brody Kearney