Thursday, September 29, 2016

Purpose of life


The big thing today was heading back to court with CC.  However, there was a development that made it we didn't go to court.  Our Love by Paul Cardall is on.  It's got a nice sound to it.  Back to today.  This was a positive.  It's my day off so now I am figuring out my day.  Museum? Definitely, a place to sit down and eat.  Maybe read too.  I'm on the 7th book of Harry Potter.  I bought the 8th book, the transcript.  That ought to be interesting.  Never mind.  I do have lunch plans lol.  We had such a great conversation about the progression of our relationship.  The many truths we found out.  Honestly, I had to recognize and accept my entire relationship with Javier was one big lie.  I don't know what was real or not.  Too many lies.  But it's okay.  I reflected on that.  And I realized it wasn't anything on me.  I wasn't defective.  This is the way certain people are.  Especially if they are narcissists.  He's been identified as a covert narcissist.  It can mess with your head.  It can mess with how you value yourself.  Sheesh.  I look back and it breaks my heart that I lived in a world that I didn't see this amazing person I am.  And I still grow and learn.  My legacy is never going to be the professional side.  It's my personal side.  I have influenced people.  I have helped people see their value.  I make people happy, simply by being me.   That is such a great feeling.  I have such an amazing "tribe" set up.  Yes.  I am finally using that word again.  I needed a redo of sorts to take a negative and turn into a positive.  And over time, I felt it.  I have a sense of family with my circle.  And you know what? Life happens.  I think it's odd that anyone would be grateful that I understand priorities and life happens.  But I guess there others that have conditioned them to believe that they are not good people for prioritizing said person that is upset about not getting enough time with them.  Who knows? All I know is that I am happy that I am priority to those who are important to me.  It makes me...well... all fuzzy inside.  Sometimes I hear words that echo something I heard long ago.  I smile.  Because it was truth.  I frown because it came with pain.  But pain is necessary in life.  Pain is necessary to learn lessons.  And over the past year, I have learned many of them.  I have opened my eyes to things.  I have a new appreciation for things.  Even for people.  In four days, a year ago, a monumental moment happened.  I had breakdown.  I remembered the entire rape as though it was a movie.  It was overwhelming.  Between meeting CC and finding a trigger in "delicate little flower, it was too much and I needed to go get help.  And help I did.  I felt protected on one of the most vulnerable moments in my life.  And here I am now.  A stronger person for it.  Sometimes, in life, you have to go through the shitstorm to get to that rainbow.  I reflect a lot on what transpired for me a year ago. My psyche was in a different place than it was now.  I understand more.  Thank you for understanding with me.  Some of you may just be reading my book of life on just this chapter.  Some may have been with me since the beginning.  Think about your story.  Reflect.  And appreciate what that story has meant for your journey.  All of it has made me a better person.  Each experience helped me through my journey.  Each experience helped me to learn lessons of life.  Sometimes when people ask what the purpose of life is....maybe to just reflect on what experiences do for us and how they shape us.

No comments:

Post a Comment