Me too

Who knew two words like that would send a profound message.  And the first time I felt safe to really put out there I had been raped.  It was beautiful and heartbreaking to see.  It was the first time I had seen the troubles many of my friends had gone through.  Some I had known about already.  Many I had not known.  And then, I was hearing stories of strangers.  And it felt so familiar.  Of course, in sharing the stories, there are those that victim shame.  Or in ignorance, don't clarify that in the end, the victim doesn't have control over what happens to them.  See, one thing I learned on this healing trip was my rape wasn't about sex.  Sounds absurd since that's exactly what was violated, right? My virginity was a sense of pride for me.  I coveted it.  I thought I was waiting for when I was going to be married but I later figured that I would fall in love and I would give myself then.  I also figured I would be about 20, 21, 22 when it happened.  And it wouldn't be Javier.  He had already cheated and lost his virginity.  In retrospect, I realized it was mine he wanted.  So, it wasn't a matter of if I was going to be raped.  But when.  By putting the pieces together of his control and how he treated.  Of how he gaslighted me...well, the puzzle pieces make more sense now then they did then.  I had to take a couple of Mental Health days and stay away from social media after the Harvey Weinstein story came out.  It affected me deeply.  I was relieved of the story coming out.  But I was also overwhelmed and triggered.  I have worked long and hard to function in a healthy way as a rape survivor.  I, and I alone have the power to control my triggers.  And sometimes, that control takes alot of strength.  I remember a friend likening me to Xena, the princess warrior.  They felt me being strong and keeping my walls up.  At the time, I had to.  I didn't understand the analogy.  But all I knew was I wasn't ready to push my walls down and fully heal.  I didn't even know where to start.  It wasn't until Kate that I felt I knew my direction.  I understand it now.  And they are right.  I am even stronger than I realize.  You see.  In addition to surviving sexual abuse and emotional abuse from one man.  I endured physical abuse from two other men.  But what I learned is that because of the sexual abuse I came with a vulnerability pocket that wouldn't have existed for the two that were physically abusive.  Strangely, both of them never wanted to be THAT MONSTER. So, in that department, they did not abuse me.  You can imagine how f*cked up I felt inside.  When I did finally lose it, I was giggling with the partner.  I felt safe.  He made me feel safe.  We are no longer together.  But he protected me for that time so I could continue life. And be here today.  And for that, I consider him a hero.  I was also 22. So, in the end.  I did give my precious gift to someone I was in love with.  I don't know if men realize the amount of rules that women are given on how not to be sexually assaulted.  The first time I got some kind of sexual harassment, I was 11.  Some boys were pulling my bra.  I was quite developed for an 11 year old.  I've always been top heavy, if you will.  The worst part was one of the teachers was encouraging it.  I ended up reporting her and having her removed.  In my 7th grade year, a jealous girl who was small, called me Ortits since my last name was so close.  Ortiz.  I wasn't ready for that kind of attention that early.  Now, I'd have been like..yeah..and you little bits tits, you're jealous and you want some of mine.  Through this article I read, it made me see how little a man has to go through to protect himself.  And what it takes for a woman to.  I believe we live in a rape culture.  And that pains me.