What this means

Yesterday was a big deal for me. Here I was being interviewed after 4 years out of the loop.  I have been wanting to go back to work.  I had hoped I would be massaging at this point. And maybe that's still in the cards.  But having this independence was important. Especially associated with my health.  There is a sense of normalcy I was yearning for.  What this means is so much than just having a job.  I wasn't sure what to expect on the interview.  I just was chalking it up to an adventure. Because you know me...experiences and adventures! It's a great fit too. I'll be an assistant to event planning.  It's a security and crowd management service.  Two things I think got me in. One was my volunteer work with Majestic. And the other was my work at Y100 and KKYX.  I'm already a very social person.  Anyways, I don't know if this will affect my blogging.  I grow more and more humbled and in awe that you're reading.  The gesture is not lost on me.  So smile...because you make me smile...whomever you are.  I kind of knew something was turning around.  The She RA shindig really helped me to see what strength I could have "overcoming" the day.  It had many names but I like Jared's SHE RA thing.  Even if it's not spelled that way it's what I do for my support system. I RAH RAH them back.  And Saturday.  I can't even tell you what that was about. If you don't know I went to go see an old friend of mine, Jason play in both his bands.  The interesting thing is he is an ex but we were 16 so I feel it two life times ago.   It was reawakening a past. Not in a bad way.  Just remember the person I was before THAT happened.  I owe all that to Jeremy. He let me just be.  I am so lucky to have a man that understand that sometimes my journey requires some independence.  I am hoping to get back a little into the music scene.  That's the other thing...I know a handful of music people.  I like that! I realized it when the six degrees of Bacon sort of came through. My friend Jason and my best friend Leah know the same guy, whom incidentally, is a paramedic and a singer/song writer. Jens is his name. He went viral this week on an article he wrote about minimum wage. If I am not mistaken he's supposed to go on the Jimmy Fallow show. I met him once.  I went to go see Leah play. She's a keyboardist. She's many things, that little badass.  I digress.  Something inside happened.  I wish I could tell you exactly what. All I can tell you is it was for good.  I even texted a former friend thanking him for starting the inspiration of She RA. While I always kind of had it in my head to celebrate my strength I felt it presumptuous to just throw one for myself.  Heidi rallied the support system and Glitterbomb Kearnsey emerged from the shadows. Yeah. Just go with it.  I feel strong and bold and something else when I encompass this silly little superhero in my own way thing.  I am silly beyond belief. But as the therapist and I agreed. It seems to to be the way I decided to survive...and then thrive.  I go see her today. I think I am going to start a new tradition. Before August 1 and then after August 1.  It never goes away really.  I probably got my epilepsy back from triggers of the rape.  I am starting to see that now. Living with PTSD is a nightmare sometimes.  I don't really talk about it in terms of labels.  I'm not sure why.  I'm a hot mess! But I'm a beautiful hot mess.  I don't want it to define me.  But at least I can recognize the effects and ramifications of what this means.  Yah for Master's in Psychology, right?! I am good with being my own therapist but every once in a while I could use a little professional help lol It's like going to a mechanic or something. Okay...maybe now but you know what I mean.  And my anxiety is there, brimming somewhere.  I keep it at bay with many outlets, and people who help to ground those panic moments.  I am learning a hard lesson in life.  Once you get older, you start what feels like selfishness but in the end...just self preservation.  At least that's what it felt like.  I'm not getting any older and I have to be mindful of my health.  I'm writing again.  That feels so good.  So what this means...is I'm not just surviving....I'm thriving.