Fear

This journey of studying has definitely tested my theories of fear.  I know myself well enough to not suppress the emotions that come along with fear.  I feared school.  Which is why almost waking moment I was studying or doing something school related. Now...coming up at the finish line it's a new fear.  It's not even so much as a fear of failure.  It's almost like a dream (or nightmare) where I feel like some kind of fraud.  Again...the fear is there...like a shadow.  But that's the fear talking. That's the fear demon...so to speak.  I rationalize...when I allow myself to take everything in...that if I was such a fraud how did I make it this far? (More of a rhetorical question but hey..I'm already talking to myself...I'm allowed the crazy moments) And then it's how many people believe in me...when I don't believe in myself at times.   That's my evidence that I'm headed in the right direction.  Fear is trumped by Faith.  Faith in the sense of a higher being? Maybe. Faith in the belief that someone has a gift.  Perhaps.  So we come by to fear.  Fear hinders me.  Fear holds me back.  Fear will allow me to be my worst enemy.  I'm putting in the time.  I'm putting in the studying.  I am even putting in the outlet in order to psychologically psyche myself into confidence.  Fear.  This little demon can have a big hold on me.  I already overcame fear of trying to lead a normal life with a condition.  I already overcame fear of leading a normal life with a number of traumatic events but one most specifically.  I already overcame fear of not being good enough for a good significant other.  I already overcame being authentic of whom I am supposed to be in this life.  So when you break it down like that....this test...this final hurdle..is nothing but fear in the form of a bully.  Fear bullies me.  And I want to fight back.