Boring is the new Adventurous

Sometimes triggers come in the strangest of places.  Most of my triggers fall under association of words or memories.  Regrets suddenly made me evaluate what I do or do not regret.  While in the broad sense I don't regret my life.  Each event has lead me to my current life.  However, I admitted to myself that my marriage was a regret.  Not because of the person...although one can understand where that logic might have originated from.  No...I regretted the way I ended up marrying.  I look back and I sort of robbed myself and my family of any traditional sense of ever experiencing courtship.  There was little to no courtship.  It was almost like we dared each other.  At most, we would have dated and seen that we were not compatible.  I felt crazy.  I felt reckless.  And in those days I played Russian Roulette on some level.  I give my ex husband enough credit to stop our façade before it really got "ugly.".  It was already tawdry for my taste.  I appreciated the out.  I would have liked a smoother exit.  However, life doesn't work that way.  I don't know if I regret my last relationship before Jeremy.  All I know is I was way in over my head to help my boyfriend.  This was a lifetime movie I didn't want to star in.  I certainly didn't have as dramatic of a moment as a friend of mine.  Trust me. I don't envy her story.  But my lifetime movie was scary enough for me.  Jeremy doesn't realize that he saved me.  He saved me just by loving me.  He reprogrammed me to believe in myself.  I could say my boyfriends took that away.  But really, it starts with the first one.  I am not property.  I am not a conquest.  I am not someone to be modified to what your "ideal' is.  I have struggled throughout my life trying to be other people's ideal.  It's strange to realize that I trapped myself into that a few times.  I am glad I finally see it.  Once I see it, I have no apologies. I don't exactly have dramatic exit.  Again, life doesn't always work that way.  I simply don't care like you want me to.  And I am alright with that.  I live a quiet boring life.  On occasion, there is a spice here and there to mix it up.  I like that.  But these days, Boring is beautiful to me.  Boring is the new adventurous.