Organizing is therapy

I have spent the last few days with friends getting back some of my strength.  I needed a week to get my head back straight.  My head space was fuzzy, which seems understandable.  An experience liking watching a person pass can change you.  I've pondered things this week.  Jeremy and I are getting back to a routine.  Today, I decided to de clutter much of the house.   It helps me to gather my thoughts.  I feel a sense of control in a sometimes chaotic mindset that I hold.  Recently, though I think I utilized my more calming side of me.  That's a surprise, most especially to me.  I've had so much support so I think it's why I was less wound up.  If I did have wound up moments I had outlets to release them.  I am an emotional person.  I do look at the world and decipher how the world will turn by the behavior we display.  However, I am learning to process that information with logic.  Maybe that is why organizing is therapy.

Super power

A conversation and some play therapy got me thinking about super power. Mine is silliness. Hear me out. I make people aimed and perhaps laugh in the most dire of times. It's a gift. I recognize that while sadness or even anger at times is present, keeping a sense of humor is crucial. The other is my caregiver skill. I take care of you. I do it with utmost pride. The honor that drives butlers and secretaries to have that vintage code that once existed, I caregiver with that code. You can't teach some of the skills I possess. I forgot ny own value with that. I have plenty of confidence in my personal life. I don't feel the same about my professional. However, I was reminded just how valuable I am for my presence and what impact I really have. Super power.....what's yours?

Peace

Losing someone is hard.  I was only an in law and have been lucky enough to be in this family for 10 years.  However, it did not lessen the blow of losing Grandpa Jim.  Much transpired from experiencing his passing.  I had a unique situation that I had experienced similar things with my own grandma.  The heartbreak of decisions. The hope of things going better for just a little while.  Saying goodbye is difficult. But if you have to say goodbye you don't want to be thinking of anything but the goal of that.  Gentiva provided that.  That place was God sent.  They not only took care of Grandpa Jim, they took care of us emotionally and spiritually.  In fact, at a certain point it's not about religion. It's about finding the peace of letting go.  It's finding absolution.  This experience was so many things.  I am honored that was there until the very end.  This is my family.  They may not be blood but they are my family.  I have such admiration and love for them.  I want to protect them.  I want to be there for them.  I want to help them.  It was a little overwhelming to have the type of love and acceptance I was receiving.  However, I've learned to open my heart up with Jeremy to receive it.  I just extended to more Kearney.  There is sense of peace from this experience. The loss is there.  We are morning and grieving for a man that bigger than life.  He was an extraordinary person.  His has a presence about him.  I see it, because I see it in his grandson.  You will be so missed, Grandpa Jim.  Besides Mr. Taylor, you're the closest thing I had to a Grandfather.  I never met my maternal grandfather. He died before I was born.  I don't have close relationship with my paternal side of the family. So my Abuelito and I weren't close.  Beside there are 13 children, 11 living. My father is the oldest and pretty much was the father figure in the other siblings' lives.  Where was there room for me. I also didn't seem to fit.  Who knew I'd fit with Kearneys? I fit somewhere.  That makes me cry.  It makes me cry in a good way.  Peace comes in so many ways.

In it

So much has transpired in the past week. There is much sadness and heartbreaking from this experience. Yet, there are positives from it. In it, the experience has changed me, Jeremy, and my relationship. It changed my Kearney family. Our new reality must converge forward. Let's see where the pieces go from there.

Surreal

It's all so surreal. The days are a blur. He's at peace. We love him. The experience was cathartic. It's all so surreal

A power nap can be everything

Some days have blurred and bent together. The family is exhausted. However,  there are strides. There isn't progress with health Hospice is now  involved.  At least he will be comfortable. A nap was in order. When a nap is everything you start cherishing and reserve your energy for the big stuff.

Mindset and headspace

When you become numb and shut down certain aspects of emotions to go what I call"survival " mode. I guess because of the Epilepsy I have to consider the balance of anxiety. It's a tricky thing. I have cried a couple of times. It's hard watching Grandpa Jim. But to be present I must keep my strength so I can be strong for others, if only to be present. When your mindset and headspace is on a different plane, it's these small things that aren't so small that are important.  Mental and emotional strength play a role to keeping the physical.

When your world is spinning

Yesterday was quite the day.  My friend "Jane" and I had not communicated in a few days.  I thought I would check up on her.  I had this strange feeling I needed to.  That's when she informed me of some horrifying news of a death. But not just any death. THAT kind of death. I have experienced THAT kind of death with a friend.  She has not.    She was distraught.  I wanted to be there for her.  I also have been worried for Jeremy and in my in laws.  Grandpa Jim got pneumonia.  He's been in a rollercoaster of health the past few days.  Jeremy is doing the best he can to be the rock that everyone needs.  I watch him in awe.  But I can see how exhausted he is too.  I can't do much. But I can be there for him.  And for him, that's all he needs.  I have to be careful with all of this because there's only so much stress that my body can take.  It may sound silly to those who don't live day to day with some kind of condition.  I was in no condition to drive to give blood.  However, I can't get out of my bridesmaid fitting.  So I've been resting to go do that.  Plus, spend time with "Jane."  When your world is spinning you have to find a place to catch your footing.

All you can control is you

It's an old phrase.  All you can control is how you react.  I think people sometimes lose sight of that idea.  There's only so much I can control.  But what I can of myself, I will. 

Trying to be normal

I tried to be normal so much growing up.  All I wanted to do was blend in.  Somewhere I found along the way I am left of the fork. Is that even a saying? Why is being accepted such an important thing? Where did we get this idea that our worthiness derives from this checkmark from a non existing panel.  Usually there is a group or an individual we so desperately want to impress or get approval.  I've had a handful of people.  I've only had one group.  It took one night to realize I wasn't part of this group.  It hurt.  But that reality helped me to see that my "freak flag" my weirdo essence is what made me the wonderful mess that I am.  As I grew older I felt like I needed to "grow up" or at least mature in some way.  I do have my mature moments when they are needed. But I am the Toys R Us kid without the toys.  And that's okay.  I had to love the way I was.  I think that was the hardest part...loving myself. Nowadays, I love fabulous me.  I'm out there.  I'm boisterous.  I'm left of center.  But it's what makes me lovable.  One class mate said it eloquently, " Who else could be such and oddball and still be loveable?" I am an oddball to the end.  It's made for an interesting adventure and life has never really been dull.  The best part is having a partner in crime who indulges me.  Jeremy thinks I'm silly but he follows me with my adventures.  Jeremy is in love with this weirdo.  That makes me smile. So trying to be normal is not something I do these days.  I just be me...whatever that means.  I'm still figuring things out about myself. 

I just happen to think about it

I don't celebrate Valentine's day.  I usually don't. But I happen to remember a distant memory.  Today is Divorce-day.  I got inspired by the movie "What dreams may come" and started my own acknowledgement of the day.  Being married sort of faded the memory of celebrating it or at least acknowledging it.  But since today was such a good day it's replaced with  a new memory.  I actually thought today would be bad.  I haven't been sleeping well.  I finally called the doctor and got an appointment.  I'm sure it's nothing but it is a little bit of a concern because it's affecting my sleep patterns.  So here's to Divorce day.  Thank you, Woody for asking for a divorce.  You did me a favor.  I am married to an incredible man now.  I wouldn't know what it is to truly be married if I hadn't had a bad experience to relate it to.  So...thank you.

Who knew?

So I'm inanimate conversations with my hair.  She isn't on board with me.  I thought because my hair was so short I didn't have options.  I go in, become friends Rachel, my stylist.  Boom.  I walk with my sassy back.  What is that sassy, you ask? Hair cuts put my sass back.  I feel young again.  My confidence comes back.  All by a freaking hair cut.  I've been going to Great Clips.  They don't disappoint.  I can't stop dancing.  Okay. Can't stop Dancing is on so maybe that's why I'm doing my own soundtrack right now.  But still....Who knew? A hair cut could give me my sass back. 

Cups of tea

An interesting conversation arose about having different cups of tea.  I will be the first to tell you that I probably raise eyebrows a time or two of my cups of tea. I also may not completely get others in their taste of tea.   I'm fascinated with psychology because it plays such an integral part of our lives.  While I am not using it on a professional basis it does come in handy in my personal life.  Moreover, it comes in handing in helping to support others in the journey they take.  That's an important part of my support.  I support your pace.  It may not be my pace.  In fact, I will be the first to admit I may not understand all of your journey.  Frankly, it's none of my business to understand it.  It's not my journey.  It's not my process.  We all have a different process.  And we all have a story for that.  I love having friends from all different perspectives.  I learn from it all.  And I never stop learning.  I will always be a student of life.  I learned slowly that my biggest legacy will be the support I give you by my love.  That is my legacy.  I won't have an award, trophy, or really any documentation I did this or that it's ingrained in my legacy.  However, I will know.  I do know.  We are travelers in this adventure.  We have had different experiences. We have had similar experiences.  We have stories to tell.  So here's to those stories.  Here's to all different and same cups of tea. 

Glitter this Glitter that

I'm  not sure when I'll  stop or ever, really. But I love bling or sparkly. I love having adventure   in my style. It's  cooky. It's  fun. Fashion me this . Fashion me that. Confidence is a style that never  goes out of  style.

Thank you, universe

Thank you, universe. Thank you for letting  me educate and inform you of my  condition. As a friend  says, "I normalize Epilepsy .".  I may not be officially  advocating. But in my own way...I'm  contributing.

Fears

A conversation I had with a friend got me thinking of fears.  Actually, if I think about it two conversations got me to that line of thinking.  Fears.  I don't know about you but my fears debilitate me sometimes.  What am I afraid of, though? Well, for starters...I am always so afraid of people to see me have seizures.  Even people I love and whom accept that this is part of me I still fear what they will react to.  For that, sometimes I think overcompensate on this bigger than life personality.  Which can sometimes be a bit much for some.  No worries.  Sometimes it's a bit much for me.  Sometimes it's like fighting with different sides of my personality figuring out who gets to come out and play.  I sound crazy.  In some ways, I am.  I'm the functional kind though.  I won't go postal or anything.  I've managed to control my outbursts and meltdowns.  I also changed my environment through my social relations.  My health really does depend on the kind of relationships I have.  As I age, I notice I don't have the same tolerance of negativity.  I don't need happy go lucky Holly but Negative Nancy is not for me.  Fears...I used to fear being irrelevant in this world.  Jeremy has helped me along with that.  I feel that man's love every moment.  On the outside world we are this comedic pair.  Behind closed doors, we still are.  But we have a softer side.  One the world doesn't have to be privy to.  Today, my fear might be failure in general.  This test used to do a number on me.  I'm mostly frustrated by it. I will pass one day.  And I will savor that moment.  I fear sometimes that I interpret things incorrectly.  I process thoughts differently anyways so it might add to complications.  I respect Jeremy a lot so it helps to run things by him.  Granted, it's about standing on my own thoughts.  We are working on that.  But I do trust he has my best interest in mind.  He is my teacher.  I am constantly learning from him.  I think I always will.  And for that acceptance and yearn Jeremy covets that.  I don't know that he is ever been adored like that.  That kind of love can warm even the most staunch of men.  And it does.  So back to fears.  Fears can overpower us.  But if we have someone with us on the adventure in overcoming them then anything that's thrown at us will be just that...overcome. 

Interesting consideration

Watching  a show and the idea of significant  others working  together cane up. I love Jeremy ' s company  but I liked  having my own identity.  I imagine  for us, it helps us to miss each other. Some people  probably  can. Maybe  we could  but I'd rather not find out. I like  that we have enough  space to enjoy  each other....to appreciate each other.

In the moment

I was reading  a gossip site. Yes. I have guilty pleasures. But it occurred  to me that while  the idea of fame seems positive  it's not. I don't  want my life blasted  everywhere.  I'd  lie if I said I'm  not affected by what people  say about  me. Imagine  on that level.  I considered  acting once. I mostly  wanted to do theater.  However,  I didn't  have a passion  for it that I'd  want people  poking around.  And even if I didn't  make  it that much I'd  be scrounging.  That doesn't  seem stable.  Just me.

Growing old together

The more time Jeremy and I spend together as a couple solidifies such a bond that I only really have had with my mom...if that makes sense.  I have my friends but something about living with a person day in and day out...you see sides to people.  I have three previous experiences with living with a guy.  Rickard, Brad, and Woody.  Two have been boyfriends. One has been a husband.  All three said in some way I was difficult to live with.  That's a statement! What I have learned is compromise and partnership.  For all practical purposes Jeremy is the dominant partner.  But he doesn't conduct himself in such a way that I would recognize it as dominant.  He's more passive.  I believe I used to fight or go against the grain of an argument simply to argue.  These days I argue to convey my point, where I see the perspective or to point out another angle of things.  It might not even be up for debate.  I might be in complete agreement.  But it's good to have different perspectives.  I don't speak to Brad or Woody.  Those were the volatile relationships.  I felt like a prisoner of my own emotions.  Rickard and I were different.  If we were older we might have worked.  This relationship help me to understand certain aspects of my relationship now with Jeremy. We are friends now.  We have a unique perspective on relationships because we are friends and exes.  When that pattern has been set that I was difficult I didn't know what to make of it.  Jeremy has helped me to see I was a peg built from a square and trying to fit in a circle.  We are opposites.  Yet, we make it work.  We fought long ago.  It was messy and ugly.  It was almost the end.  That night we promised to show our feelings, to communicate better, to stick it out, and to have a better understanding of what we wanted from each other.  We still have spats.  But Jeremy understands emotional reasoning better and its place in the world.  I also understand where logic should go.  It's been an interesting compromise.  Jeremy doesn't spew out poems.  He doesn't go to see a romantic movie with me.  But when it comes to my birthday, our anniversary, and Mother's Day....he gets a card that conveys all that he has to say.  And he also writes in it.  With that, I leave little requests of what I want rather than expect him to know.  I don't need to nag anymore.  In fact, I leave little notes for myself now too since I am just as forgetful.  Living with Jeremy before we were married proved difficult at times because I wanted to be married.  That sometimes created tension.  We are married.  Unless one of us did something drastic, we are growing old together.  Granted, we don't know what the future holds.  But Jeremy and I both know we are a good pair together.  We are partners in crime.  We get each other's little things, the wonderful and annoying things.  A beautiful friendship only helps us to appreciate the company even more.  I realized a while back...I wasn't supposed to fit into those relationships.  I've only really had 5.  Which is strange.  I've had far more physical relationships than that.  But actual relationships...only 5.  And one or two is  is questionable.  Javier 5 1/2 years. Rickard 1 1/2 years Woody (no dating and married  1 year} Justin 4 months Brad 5 months Dirk...sighs I don't think I can count that but sure...we okay there was companionship with no physical.  And then Jeremy...6 1/2 years before marrying.  Breaking it down like that is interesting.