I'm curious

I should be honest.  I'm curious on who reads this.  I was happy seeing one person reading this blog.  You don't know what it means that more than one person reads this.  I am humbled.  I write my feelings.  I write what;s on my mind which sometimes seems like a scary thing. Just kidding. I am a quirky person.  But I write because I can.  It helps me to put things down.  So thank you.  Every once in a while a blog is dedicated to you. My silent audience.  I'm curious who reads this.  But in the long run I realize it might be my place to find out.  It should be more important that someone is reading it.  Again, thank you.

Trusting and trusting myself

It's not just about secrets.  It's about allowing someone to see you at your very worst.  It's nice to see someone at their best.  But you really get to know a person when they are at their worst.  I learned something about myself with trust.  I haven't been trusting my own voice.  Who knew? I would trust others.  But I didn't trust myself.  Once that negativity was removed...I saw things clearly.  I'm still dealing with residual negativity.  When I remove negativity it doesn't just go away like a snap of fingers.  Rather, it's a gradual removal.  I become emotionally attached to people and beings.  Today, I had an opportunity to gain trust from two wild cats.  They tolerated each other enough to let me close enough (but still a safe distance) to feed them.  We trusted each other.  It felt good.  It reminded me of trusting someone with who I am at all moments.  I am so grateful to those who let me be free.  I forgot how free I could be.  Me getting older is teaching me to let go.  38 has given me a new resolve.  It's not a screw you kind of resolve.  But it is one where if you don't like me for who I am in front of you...if you feel the need or want to change a part of me to suit you...well...that says something more about your shortcomings than mine.  And you're not worth my time.  You can have surface time.  I don't like running away from people.  But you won't get me.  Likewise, if I am not a benefit to your life...please do something.  I want to be a positive impact on you.  I want to leave you with feeling good about yourself because I helped with that. If nothing else, I want to make you laugh or smile...or both.  

When it's not just about winning

Winning has a form that feeds the ego.  I'm not going to lie and say that I don't enjoy winning myself.  However, with the losses and wins I have had in my life some of my best moments didn't include winning the game. It included so much more.  I remember a game where I was late to a game because of detention.  I got a moment where life stood still and I got to see what the crowd was waiting for...me.  I got to throw a half court shot in my life.  Who does that? I got to run past a first base man.  I got to point guard a "Cinderella" team and I wasn't even supposed to play.  My Dad just needed one more player.  Sports was a big part of my past.  Winning was nice.  But that's not what got me going.  It was the passion of the game.  It was the passion of Basketball.  It was the intensity of Track.  I played other sports but these two...these two fueled me in so many ways.  I was confused about a lot of things in my life.  My condition left me insecure about many things.  But on the court, or on the field...I was Jess. I got to chance to coach a team when I was 13.  My coach let me have the reins.  I got to run with the male runners.  I had a competitive spirit but I never wanted the ego of someone full of themselves because of winning.  It stayed with me in life.  I don't want to compete with others for success.  But I have to remind myself not to compare myself with failures either.  My failures are simply set backs.  I have developmental disability.  And yet...I have a Master's Degree in Psychology.  I don't have my Massage Therapy License and yet, I have people already believing in my abilities.  Even when I have it down wrong...I have it right because that passion is still there.  I want to do the best I can do.  Something about turning older is making me realize that I don't have to impress anyone.  It's taken this long to realize that.  I knew it intellectually.  But somehow my heart had lost the message.  I love the craziness that envelopes my life.  The good, the bad, and the weird.  It's what makes such an interesting life.  I love how life teaches me new lessons everyday. I will never try to stop learning.  I will always want to learn.  Why?...Because in life...the satisfaction of living a life of purpose is when it's not just about winning.

Find out what fuels you

Some might call it an outlet.  Whatever you like to call it we all need to find out therapy.  That thing or those things that help us recharge.  They help us face the world.  They give us reminders of why we fight so hard to brave the world.  Sometimes they are incentives.  Sometimes they come in the form of obligation.  We have to look at the reason we do things and then find out what helps us brave those incentives and obligations.  I have this dream.  It's been a dream to be a massage therapist for so long.  Yet, I am at the finish line and suddenly my feet are frozen.  Metaphorically,  my feet are frozen.  It made me lost for a while.  I felt like a failure.  Now I realize it's part of a story.  When I do have that passing test I will be able to fulfill everything I dreamed of.  I like helping people.  I like having a contribution to their healing.  I find fulfillment in that quest.  This test does frustrate me.  I am so close and yet feel so far.  But I am still here...fighting.  I will keep my dream alive.  One day at a time.  In the meantime my life is filled with such love and happiness.  I have friends that support me in all my crazy wonderful mess of a life.  I have parents that understand I am left of the spoon...if that makes any sense. I'm sure I have the saying wrong.  I have a husband who shows me everyday the kind I loved I only dreamed of.  I am so grateful to have Jeremy as a husband.  He's my Best Friend.  He is my partner in crime in this adventure called Life.  I love our adventures, whether big or small. They are our adventures. They are our memories.  So find your therapy.  Find what makes you happy.  Listen to it with your heart.  Find out what fuels you.  Understand it.  Then, fight for it and learn to give yourself space and time to know why you love it.  And find things that make you fight for it. 

A day to remember

Jeremy always does amazing when it comes to my birthday.  I wanted a sonic screwdriver for my birthday.  I'm a Doctor Who fan so that seemed funny enough.  Jeremy came up with the places to eat and what we did on my day.  He did not disappoint .  We went to see the New York Woodwind Quintet.  They were phenomenal. We went to a German place the night before with friends.  Then a red velvet cake and some wine was waiting for us.  He and I took a birthday shot.  Cape cod, shot style! And I thought my birthday was just going to pass. I got a laptop for my birthday as well.  It was a day to remember.  I love my adventures with Jeremy.  I can't wait to see what 38 holds. 

Checklist

I'm curious.  Do men and women have a checklist? I used to think I did.  But if you saw my dating history you would notice I didn't stick to that list.  In fact, my checklist, if I had one picked me.  I wanted him tall.  Check.  I wanted him intelligent.  Check.  I wanted him to accept the wonderful mess that is me.  Check.  I wanted to be Best Friends with him. Check.  Jeremy's checklist was Female and do we click probably.  Maybe that's why I always say on paper we sounded like a mess.  I didn't count on him making the checklist.  I just fell in love with the quirky guy that he is.  I imagine you have box people in a checklist for any reason you miss out on the other wonderful things they can be. 

Still writing my story

Sometimes the romantic comedies that come out are down right ridiculous.  But that's an interesting question.  Do we want the fantasy because our reality is so drowned out by well...reality.  Love really isn't like movies.  That kiss doesn't slow time down.  There is no real happy ending for the star crossed lovers.  How about Fantality? What's the middle ground of aspiring for the fantasy.  But finding your reality is sometimes much nice than the dreams.  Going to the grocery story with someone that loves your presence is so much nicer than the image of having that "catch" that looks good on paper.  That's the other thing.  Maybe what's good on paper sucks.  But the reality is that it still works.  And what other people want for you may not be what you want.  It's why we fall in love...and fail at it sometimes.  I fell for people.  I learned from that.  I learned I probably didn't want to be with them and look exactly for people I wouldn't work with.  I get to be me.  Unapologetic me. Brilliant of a mess me.  I have flaws all over the place.  But when I see Jeremy. I don't see flaws.  I see amazing.  I see what he sees in me.  It's beautiful to feel cherished and loved.  And funny enough..in the stories it seems ooey and gooey.  That's not real.  Love is the every day stuff.  Love is the boring stuff.  Love is doing little things for each other.  Love is thanking each other.  Love is...different for everyone.  Go find your own spark.  Run don't walk to it.  It feels good.  I don't know if happily ever after is real.  I'm still writing my story. 

Just like that

From one moment to the next. One fleeting moment.
That's what happens when life happens.  You can be happy one moment. You can be sad the next.
Cody, you will be missed.  I am so sorry.

History

I don't know the secret to a happy marriage.  I can only tell you what I have learned being married to Jeremy.  And for that married being married to Woody.  I can't really count Javier because it was a sham.  Long story.  Back to Woody since he is what I consider my first husband.  I learned the beauty of history together.  Woody and I didn't court.  We didn't do anything.  If you think about it, we were dating while we were married.  As bizarre as that sounds I didn't get a healthy idea of what being married was about.  It might explain why I didn't want to pursue a long term relationship for awhile.  I wanted one.  But I wasn't emotionally ready for one.  I don't know if I was emotionally ready for one by the time Jeremy came along.  The good thing is that Jeremy saw something in us.  I envisioned it but I don't know if it was possible.  We seemed so different from each other.  I was intimidated by Jeremy's intelligence at the time.  This troubling factor comes from my relationship with Javier.  You hear constantly how you won't get anything better and you start believing it.  And by all standards, Jeremy surpassed Javier in so many ways that logic stuck.  Psychologically, your head space can screw with your mind. You constantly second guess yourself.  You look for validation a little too much.  You forget to consult within yourself and be confident of that answer.  But that's the beauty of the history with Jeremy.  He has taught me so much.  I have learned to love myself in a way that was healthy.  Jeremy is a wonderful teacher.  He gets into his element and it's beautiful to watch.  He is less obnoxious about things.  Either that or I look past the confidence and no longer see it as arrogance.  He thinks it's rose colored glasses.  I could buy that argument.  But our story is colorful.  I've had a crush on Jeremy since I met him.  He always fascinated me.  He also irritated me.  He seemed full of himself.  And somehow I felt he needed more humility.  That's where I come in.  My emotional intelligence allows him to see a purpose of where emotions and feelings do come in.  That sometimes all the facts and evidence in the world won't logically explain things.  Love would be an example.  By all accounts, on paper, Jeremy and I seem like an odd fit.  Yet, when it's the two of us it makes complete sense.  We complement each other.  I don't have an explanation for that.  Neither does he.  We just accept it.  We accept that not everything is going to have a neat answer.  Our history helps us to enjoy the couple side of us.  Because long time ago there was a friend side of us.  And that side has never left.  We are  Best friends.  We are partners in crime.  Whatever box you want to put us in.  We are partners in life on this journey.  We are adventurers on this crazy roller coaster.  It's hard to imagine anyone else in that seat.  History shouldn't be the only reason people stay together.  But it's a start.  Jeremy and I like each other.  It sounds strange to write but nowadays most couples don't like each other.  We enjoy each other's company.  We also enjoy our individuality and the need for space from one another.  It's a nice mix.  So my secret to a happy marriage is this.  Find your own secret.  Everyone is different.  There isn't one formula.  And don't confine yourself and compare.  What works for me in my marriage doesn't work for you.  And Vice Versa.  It's the many lessons I have learned along the way. I'm still learning......

Accuracy

The interesting about truth is that opinions get thrown around as though that is the very truth of a topic.  I'll be honest.  I'm guilty of leaning towards information by way of opinion and turning into truth.  However, as I grow older I am learning that truth is relative.  There is always versions of truth.  I must remember that when someone claims to be an expert or have certain authority over truth.  I must also remember that certain personalities cannot see past their own opinion.  Their very nature is self absorbed that open mindedness is not something the seek, even if they claim to be open minded.  I strive to be open minded. I don't know if I achieve that.  I don't mind being seen as aspiring but never achieving it.  It helps me to continue to seek truth in its purest form.  Accuracy is rare these days.  It's hard to see anything for truth.  That is why questioning helps an individual to find their own truth.  Respect that journey.  Embrace that journey.  Accuracy may not always look like truth.  But even embellishments have their purpose. 

Interpretation

You have to wonder how interpretation is perceived.  Is the perception a responsibility of the conveyor.  Is it more responsibility on the intended audience.  Is it both.  Perhaps both need to take accountability that the message is not being read correctly.  Intention and execution are two different things.  Interpretation is important.  Clarification is important.

Boring is the new Adventurous

Sometimes triggers come in the strangest of places.  Most of my triggers fall under association of words or memories.  Regrets suddenly made me evaluate what I do or do not regret.  While in the broad sense I don't regret my life.  Each event has lead me to my current life.  However, I admitted to myself that my marriage was a regret.  Not because of the person...although one can understand where that logic might have originated from.  No...I regretted the way I ended up marrying.  I look back and I sort of robbed myself and my family of any traditional sense of ever experiencing courtship.  There was little to no courtship.  It was almost like we dared each other.  At most, we would have dated and seen that we were not compatible.  I felt crazy.  I felt reckless.  And in those days I played Russian Roulette on some level.  I give my ex husband enough credit to stop our façade before it really got "ugly.".  It was already tawdry for my taste.  I appreciated the out.  I would have liked a smoother exit.  However, life doesn't work that way.  I don't know if I regret my last relationship before Jeremy.  All I know is I was way in over my head to help my boyfriend.  This was a lifetime movie I didn't want to star in.  I certainly didn't have as dramatic of a moment as a friend of mine.  Trust me. I don't envy her story.  But my lifetime movie was scary enough for me.  Jeremy doesn't realize that he saved me.  He saved me just by loving me.  He reprogrammed me to believe in myself.  I could say my boyfriends took that away.  But really, it starts with the first one.  I am not property.  I am not a conquest.  I am not someone to be modified to what your "ideal' is.  I have struggled throughout my life trying to be other people's ideal.  It's strange to realize that I trapped myself into that a few times.  I am glad I finally see it.  Once I see it, I have no apologies. I don't exactly have dramatic exit.  Again, life doesn't always work that way.  I simply don't care like you want me to.  And I am alright with that.  I live a quiet boring life.  On occasion, there is a spice here and there to mix it up.  I like that.  But these days, Boring is beautiful to me.  Boring is the new adventurous. 

Head space

That's been the topic recently.  Sometimes you're not in a good head space to concentrate,  to develop healthy connections, or sometimes to function past the functioning of everyday life. Perhaps because the scars are not as visible.  Perhaps because the damage is longer to identify.  Either way, it's important  .  To acknowledge where one's head space is.

Sick

Brain fuzzy. Migraine.  Stomach flu? Little to no appetite.  Dehydrated. Nauseous.  Yeah...no room for inspiration

Dropping the ball

I think today was one of the days I dropped the ball on a friend.  Here's the interesting thing.  I was so awed by her graciousness.  It blew me away.  She reminded me without saying a word how important just being there is.  There's pressure that life brings.  Human nature dictates that we as humans are going to fudge occasionally.  Some, more than others.  Reaction towards that is just as important as the execution.  My friend was the epitome of classy.  I admire her.  I will work towards mending the "dropping the ball" that I did.  That's friendship.

Life is a classroom

Pay attention.  You might this the lessons the Universe is trying to teach you. Sometimes it's the basic ones. We have become such a hard and cold world the basic lessons are needed.  Other times it's more deeper lessons needing to be learned.  And the application of learning is different.  Learning is an art form itself.  So is teaching.  Both require a mind set to process the information and convey it. Both require ingenuity to find application.  I can appreciate those who can learn the standard way. As a juvenile I was envious.  As an adult I'm less. I'm relieved that I learn differently.  Life is a classroom.  I'm paying attention.

Residual

Something about me getting older cotrelates eithmy tolerance of certain stress triggers.  It takes me a couple of days to shake the residual negativity.  I encountered some rather harsh words. The sad part of it all was the giver didn't even realize what they were doing.  I wasn't hurt. I was...something else. Offended...no. I felt briefly that the person I was...wasn't good enough.  I felt that the very values and beliefs did not warrant a voice. Jess 2.0 That's humiliating.  But I managed to run everything in my mind. I'm proud of myself.  It took this long to stand up...but here I am. I always felt in person confrontation was the key. Sometimes walking away is just as brave. 

Silence is golden

I thought of whether or not to blog. So this is what I have. If you don't have anything nice to say....don't say anything at all.  I beleve in that. I think that speaks volumes. 

Dissection of Validation

I discovered something about myself regarding validation when I was having a conversation about it with Jeremy.  I rather love our conversations. We discuss various topics.It was originally about achievement or his perspective on it.    I value his opinion very much.  Which indirectly started the next discussion.  He was flattered but he was bothered about my need for validation.  We discussed the origin of that need.  It did open my eyes to things.  A few days ago I came to an epiphany of my own.  Sometimes I justify myself or explain myself more than I have to.  Probably because on some level I crave the validation.  When really, the person that needs to be okay with me...is well..me.  An argument with a friend brought up thoughts.  I want to be compassionate to people.  I want to make people comfortable.  However, I might enable to decide the terms of whom I am as a person.  The idea of that would make me scoff. That I would allow myself to be "modified" so much for a person.  And in a strange way...that's exactly what I was doing.  I don't mind provisions to comfort or help a person feel comfortable.  But what if I am enabling them to not see...their demands and expectations of me are ridiculous.  It's like I am too afraid to confront that they have the problem with me. So what did I do? I changed parts of myself.  And when they disputed that I did this for them...they didn't hold their own behavior accountable.  Accountability. Maybe that's what sent me to somehow set a boundary that I didn't bother telling me.  I wanted to but for now I don't feel they want to hear my side.  I should remind myself that my value doesn't lie in their hands.  And while I appreciate people expressing their feelings I think there is a difference in communication regarding expressing feelings and dissing them.  I heard such things that would have hurt me years ago.  That day...it did something else. It bothered me.  But it also made me see the dissection of validation.  It made me step back and take back control of my own value.  I don't need you to see this amazing person I am.  And that's exactly what I was doing....giving you that power.  That's my fault.  I am accountable to doing that.  I don't like fighting.  But I don't want you want me to be.  Life doesn't work like that.

Perfect is a bad word

Perhaps I should write this blog with not nearly as much emotions.  I am upset.  I feel like I am justifying to a person on how I am.  I feel as though the person they have in front of them is "not good enough".  I get that I am not always going to have things right. I'm human.  I make mistakes.  I am clumsy.  But I am sincere in what I do.  I sometimes am too compassionate for my own good.  I worry too much about someone else's feelings I forget to tell myself I don't need to explain the person I am.  You accept a person for whom they are.  You might not like all traits of them.  It would be strange if you did.  Perfect is a bad word.  Perfection doesn't exist.  It's like waiting for a unicorn to come.  Unrealistic expectations render some very bad choices.  At least that's how I see it.  For just a bit I was enabling someone...I was letting them put me in a corner.  Unrealistic expectations of what you want me to be like is cruel...actually.  I wouldn't do that to you.  I felt insulted, really.  They funny thing is this person has no idea how many times I made sure to prioritize their feelings...when really I shouldn't have to do that.  This is exhausting.  I am confident on who I am as a person and a friend until we talk.  And then without meaning to you basically tell me I'm not good enough.  Your unrealistic expectations are going to alienate people.

Recharge

You got to find ways that you recharge.  Sometimes you're doing it on a physical level.  Other times it's more on a mental or emotional level.  Those usually take more of a toll. This recharge helps one to rather thoughts.  Finding " me" time helps one to just find ways to prioritize life.  It's important that you have outlets that help you do that. Recharge helps you find your core.

Create a sanctuary

My sanctuary consist of blankets, battery operated candles,  and soundscape.  Sometimes it's a book. There are also hugs. Those melt in your soul kind. My sanctuary helps me stay grounded. It helps me to recharge.  It helps me....just be.