I feel different

I feel different.  It's the only way to describe it.  I feel like I just took a big weight off my shoulder.  Tension in my body.  Residual something or other feels like it's chipping away.  It's still a slow process.  And every day is truly another opportunity for healing and growth.  Boy...do those words really resonate.  But....I feel it.  I feel....free.  I feel unchained. It's funny.  Now...when I do something, I don't worry about failing or succeeding with it.  I am more focused on the fact I did it.  It's too cliche to say because of this, my confidence grew.  Because, it's so much more than that.  I came out of the shadows of my own self, so to speak.  Does that make sense?  I felt for so long because it had been verbally beaten into my brain my worthlessness, that me, authentic me...the person, wasn't enough.  I used to think I started the aspects because I was trying to survive.  And part of it was that.  But I am starting to think I did that because I couldn't imagine my thoughts and my voice was enough for anyone to take seriously or listen to.  What did I know? Instead...I understand my own limitations with my cognitive issues.  They are there.  I process differently.  And that's okay.  In fact, nowadays, I am glad I process differently.  I think it adds to my experiences in life.  Prime example.  I am 180 pounds, give or take.  I recognize that society has put a "value" so to speak of my weight.  I'm considered fat. But all I feel is a curvy, bubbly, full figured woman bouncing around.  Size 12-16 doesn't mean I'm any less of a woman because society has said skinny makes a woman better.  I applaud anyone who wants to be healthy and makes healthy choices.  So, I won't knock a woman who is skinnier than me.  That's mean.  Jeremy hardly seems to mind my weight.  His behavior is a wonderful reminder he loves me just the way I am.  Now...normally...a woman doesn't tell her weight.  But little ol Jess just did.  And she knows she might get judged.  Geez, she's fat.  I'm only 4'11 and a quarter.  A couple of friends took my height measurement and my heart sunk.  I had shrunk. lol It used to be 3/4.  On my ID, it says 5'0". I process it differently.  I see people for their hearts, not even the way they look.  I see people for their kindness.  Not how much they make.  I see people for their actions, not by even their thoughts.  Because thoughts are thoughts.  And sometimes they can be harsh, ugly, and dark.  But action speaks volumes.  I see people for their compassion and authenticity.  Not the image.  I see you.  
We all have flaws.  We all have a story.  But we all make choices.  My choices affects others.  So, when I make them, I do make them for myself.  But I do try to take into account those who will be affected.  Maybe I overthink.  Maybe I put too much thought in how other people will feel.  But I have no apologies for it.  I am not my authentic self if I am not trying to be considerate of others.  If I care about you, I will support you.  It's authentic Jess.  And let's face it.  Even if I don't care about you, you get surface Jess.  And that's not bad either.