Reflection

A couple of things happened today.  1) I woke up well rested.  Except for one interruption, at maybe 12ish, I slept through the night.  2) I woke up to a sneezing frenzy.  It was crazy.  I think I got it out of my system.  Today, I recognized ,was going to be a reflection day.  Lady Marian from Clannad is on.  What a befitting song for a befitting mood.  I guess it would have been even more befitting if it was Loreena McKinnet.  lol
I got some hot chai tea and sat down to some Christmas music.  Jeremy's 2nd gift to me is sitting on one of the sofas.  His first gift to me was a Burgandy journal.  And there I sat...just thinking.  Not necessarily of bad.  Not necessarily of good.  Just of things that sometimes are never really far from my mind.  Most of the time certain things just stay on the shelf.  But on a day like this, the weather is colder and boom.... Thinking.  I've received many gifts this year.  Sometimes through lessons learned.  Sometimes through beautiful words.  And sometimes, from facing my worst fears.  I have a hot lunch date with Jeremy today.  I love our little lunch dates.  In the evolution of growing and learning, so has Jeremy.  And for that matter, so has our marriage.  We recognize the need to help our relationship flourish.  I don't know if we meant to or if we did, really.  But before it got to a point that it might, or be a sign of taking each other for granted, we were proactive.  We both stumble on our way to flourish.  No more him than me.  We both stumble.  But we figure it out because we love each other fiercely.  I think the best gift this year was facing Javier.  There are monumental moments in my life.  They become too surreal for words.  Looking him straight in the eye was one of them.  We were feet away from each other.  How bizarre and surreal was that.  This monster that has been tormenting my thoughts for years was feet away from me, looking rather distraught with my presence.  I forgot how strong I can be sometimes.  I am a Warrior Goddess when I want to be.  I just have to channel it.  That gift has served me well in my healing process.  I learned how to heal from loss.  I learned how to heal from insecurity.  I learned how to heal with Jeremy.  I learned how to heal from a very traumatic experience in my life.  It's been an almost 2 dimensional.  But never really digging for that third dimension and space.  Because if I did, might I wither like a delicate flower? And in my mind, somehow, somewhere my brain translated weakness.  And if I broke down...would I stay there...broken? So many questions I was afraid to answer for myself.  Let alone for anyone else.  I had people trying to break down my walls.  It wasn't until I lost something dear that I grew up inside somehow.  I had start over.  I had to allow myself to ask for help.  I had to then push through and stand alone with the pain.  And feel it in its entirity.  The rape.  The losses.  The anger.  The life I had formulated up until that point.  And really recognize that life...the Universe was trying to tell me something.  And maybe...just maybe, I'd finally pay attention.  I'd been here, similarly 20 years ago.  And there I was...Listening for the first time with what Life and the Universe was teaching me.  I grew up a lot this year in my eyes.  I grew out of my little shell of insecurity.  I stopped caring what others thought of me, including Jeremy.  I mean...yes...I respect his opinion.  But even he doesn't have the final say on whom I am or become.  I have that power.  And what was my lesson? Stop putting stock into one person.  Stop letting others define how great you are.  Stop needing the beautiful words.  Be the beautiful words.  Live the beautiful words.  Just be.  Whether it is Jeremy...or anyone else.  Stop doing it, Jess.
I almost had a metaphorical version of an out of body experience.  I got to see from a third person, so to speak, who this amazing person people kept mentioning and break it down.
I have a heart of gold.  I am also a bullish person when I am angry or hurt.
I am a forthcoming person.  But even my truth can be muddled when I am angry or hurt.  It doesn't mean it's not truthful.  It just means there is more to the story.  And that, at that moment, I'm too emotional and in the storm to see it.
I am stronger than I think I am.  But asking for help doesn't make me weak.
That crying in front of my husband is not what I wanted...but needed
The ugly cry...the I am so scared to be vulnerable in front of you, you could squish me into a millions pieces because I encompass so much love, it scares me
Speaking of ugly cry...I am doing it right now.
I knew this entry would be emotional.  But I guess until you're in the moment, you don't realize how emotional you might get.
I am an amazing sparkling adorkable loveable Unicorn. I am Queen Sparkles. I am a dream.  And maybe for some, I am a nightmare.
I'm not fit for everyone.  I may be too much.  And I'm okay with that.  The people that love and accept me for whom I am, good, bad, and Jess...they are whom I am fit for.
For the first time, I stopped worrying about whether I did the wrong thing, said the wrong thing, was the wrong thing.  It's like eggshells.  And it's a very unhealthy way for me to live.  I learned healthy boundaries for myself.  And still learning them.  I had been trying so hard to stay in my little bubble of zen.  And that works...for a little while. But life doesn't work like that.  Life is a rollercoaster.  And I needed to learn how to react to it.  So...reflecting.  Reflection.  Sedona from Erik Wollo is on.  I love Spa Radio.  I like Angel Eyes Radio and Jim Brickman radio but right now it seems it's a great radio to be on.  I apologize for the crazy entry.  I had...have a lot on my mind.  Still, it's revving up to a be a good day.  Lunch with Jeremy, donating clothes, some grocery shopping,housework,  then, some reading.  I hope you have a blessed and beautiful day, my quiet spaces.  Queen Sparkles out.