When a song hits

I've heard the song plenty of times now.  But it wasn't until now that the song hit somewhere that I hadn't gone yet, I suppose.  I have had cry moments here and there with all this going on.  But I heard that song, and there I was, in the bathroom in the corner, listening to the song on my ear phones, quietly crying.  Not because I can't tell my husband.  I finally can do that.  I finally have the confidence.  But because of the magnitude.  Because tomorrow...is new.  By tomorrow, CPS informs he what has been reported, including the rape.   I am afraid of him.  When I go into the courtroom,  I am praying I won't show my fear.  Because, I am afraid of this monster.  I thought he got flushed out.  But a voice is creeping in with all the horrible things he has said to me, manipulated me into thinking how worthless I was.  And wondering if the flashback will just explode into full on movie again.  I'm scared a seizure is due from all of this.  Like I'm on the cusp of it happening.  When it happens to you is a powerful song.  I may not have reported it but this blog goes out and it's permanent.  Javier (real name Xavier Gonzales) raped me.  He physically hurt his second wife.  And he's being accused of child abuse and neglect.  He's not even getting punished with no visitation.  This is a fight for supervised because he is not fit to be with them by himself.  This is what overt narcissism looks like.  He's been identified as that.  I am relieved to know all men are not like this.  I have met caring males.  I have met males that wouldn't dream of being a monster like this, including my husband.  He's my rock.  Jeremy...helps me find my strength inside.  Especially when I feel like this.  If you'll excuse me, I think I am going back to bed so I can cry on his chest.