A new day

Wow...yesterday was quite emotional for me.  I woke up feeling better rested.  If I did dream, I don't remember it.  I had tea with one of my best friends.  It was such a great help.  In some ways, it helped me to build my strength for Monday.  And so so will Saturday with one of my other best friends.  It was interesting learning about an analogy.  It's a great one.  It involved spoons.  They represented energy or capacity to do things.  And it described what happens sometimes.  Some days I have the capacity for many things.  I feel productive.  I feel accomplished.  And that makes me happy.  It's a good day. Other days, it's hard to do things or I don't have the energy or capacity for things.  My Epilepsy does have a link with stress inducement.  So I am very careful on how much stress I can actually allow around me.  You can see why sometimes I cringe at the idea of being a "delicate flower".  I sometimes give myself a hard time that my condition makes me weak.  On the contrary, one never really sees the amount of strength I have for getting up, driving, going to work, and other activity.  In other words, live life.  I don't show people that often the struggle or struggles I have.  I don't want to be judged for being weak.  Let's say, for a good day, It's a 20 spoon day.  I have lots of energy.  I can spread my energy more evenly.  But what about a 5 day spoon.  My body pushes itself.  And then, sometimes my body can't push at all or I'll collapse.  Add the stress factor and it's all that much more difficult.  My condition is not something visible.  And I like keeping it that way.  I might tell people as a walking advocate.  But it becomes more about medical information than about wanting you to know this is a part of me.  This is a new day.  I feel more mentally prepared for Monday. Sometimes, I wondered why I even started blogging about the rape.  It's an extremely personal things to share.  But I think it was because I didn't report it.  And that question does come up.  Why didn't I report Javier? He's manipulative.  I was afraid I wouldn't be believed.  I was afraid to be judged.  And I was afraid the questioning again would trigger something.  I was already humiliated and de humanized for the rape.  Now, by telling someone and they not believe me...well...it might give you an idea why so many don't report.  Am I afraid I won't believed now? Yes.  But a 19 year old afraid....and a 39 year old afraid are two different people.  And they have two very different set points of experiences.  By blogging about my life, no matter what it it was I was doing...telling you about my highs and lows with Jeremy.  Telling you abut my rape.  Telling you about my healing journey.  Telling you about my struggles with friends.  Telling you about my life...no matter how adventurous or boring it was...it was my life.  Telling you about me....it did feel like I reported it somewhere.  August 1,1996.  Rape is more than just being violated physically.  There is a psychological scar that far haunts a survivor.  We all cope differently.  We cope to survive.  Because if we don't...Suicide does become an option we consider.  And while it was never a strong possibility to act on...don't think it wasn't far from my mind.   A new day.  Thank you for being on the journey with me, my quiet spaces.  I will never tire of being grateful you read me.  In all of this journey, I had to discover my value.  I had to discover my worth.  A rape rips you of seeing yourself with value.  For me it was a royal mind fuck because it was my significant other.  A stranger didn't rape me.  My own boyfriend did.  Wow...seeing those words does something.  I'm crying.....You know what, though? There is positive out of negative.  This wound is being opened for good reason.  To show he has a history of abuse.  Child abuse and neglect(kids), physical abuse(CC), and sexual abuse (me).  And all of us get a customized version emotional and psychological abuse.  Something to think about.......