Starts one way and goes another

I had a blog entry set up regarding Piers Morgan and his atrocious reaction to Lady Gaga's  story.  That whole story reminded me why survivors, like me, don't want to come forward.  But I did.  Despite my fear.  I did it for someone else.  Two someone elses, in fact.  So this blog starts one way and goes another.  And that's okay.  Jeremy just left.  He's off to an interview.  I thought of just keeping that to myself until he might have gotten the job.  But truthfully, while it does matter if he gets the job....in some ways, it doesn't.  I am proud of him, no matter what.  I am proud of him taking this step.  I am proud of him, wanting to go forward.  I am proud of him wanting to get his CCIE.  I am proud of him for being my rock while preparing for the interview.  I am proud of him as his wife...and as his friend.  I am proud of the person he has evolved into.  I am proud of him being part of my healing journey.  That was something I have done within the last couple of days.  I have thanked people who have been part of my healing journey. It was informing and thanking, at the same time.  I informed RN, whom I dated after Javier.  He was one of the first people on that journey.  I informed JS whom Javier said, "I'm getting one up on JS".  I Informed TG who was my best friend in high school and into my college years and often got compared to with Javier.  I informed VD who helped me to go to the Rape Crisis Center.  I informed JMB.  I informed SS who helped me to look at that day as a way to empower myself or get out of my comfort.  I informed JB who pushed me to face it and understand what, where, and how I was running from this.  I informed "D" who might need to internalize that story as she as her own struggle to work with.  I informed NB who helped me understand my shame.  I informed KJ who helped me understand my inner rage, anger, and where it meant with my strength.  I informed my friend MC who looks after me, like I'm her own kid.  And of course, my 4 pillars of strength.  I have 3 beautiful women that protect me.  But CC is on her own planet.  I informed AP because he helped me understand value, self worth, beautiful words, identity, and helped pick up where JB was. Until I no longer needed that help.  Until Jeremy and I could figure a way to a version of Jeremy and Jess' beautiful words.    AP helped me to see that Jeremy and the rest of the friends I have, saw this beautiful, amazing, sparkling, and warm person.  I finally see it.  I finally see the gift I am to the world.  I finally see and understand and believe the beautiful words from all my friends, past or present.  And when I saw my intelligence....wouldn't you know it? I started actually understanding a little bit of Jeremy's field.  I gave myself the chance to believe I can understand certain concepts.  I just informed "Sunshine". 

And then there's Jeremy.  We were in the car, heading to the restaurant where we had our first date.  And I said,..."I did it ...I really did it."  I'm proud of myself.  And he said...You did good. ".  It was almost like a scene out of a movie.  I was having my own Lifetime movie.  But it has a hallmark channel feel. 

And then, there's you.  Thank you, quiet spaces for letting me tell my story.  Thank you for being here while I share my pain.  I did choke up at one point telling the police officer. 
It was hard to get out.  GEEZ...it was fucking hard to get out.  But as promised, CC was holding my hand.  I was asked if I knew what to expect.  I told the officer I don't expect an arrest given the time.  But I wanted paperwork.  I want a paper trail.  I want to shed light on his pattern of abuse. 
I want to show Javier (Xavier Gonzales) that he no longer has control of me.  I am free. 
I have an appointment with Rape Crisis Center on Monday.  I have a new counselor.  Mine left.  Which is sad.  But I want to just inform them of what I did.  And take it from there.  I don't know what to expect now.  But now, when I fall asleep at night...I can go to bed knowing...I did what seemed like the impossible. I reported it.  After all this time....I reported it.