Intentions

Intentions says a lot about a person.  On a day like this I have known people to judge for celebrating, honoring, or even acknowledging this day.  It's got about 3 ways people might look at this day.  Judging someone for that doesn't make you a better Christian.  It's something I never understood.  You don't have to believe as others do.  But respect that they think differently than you is not bad.  In fact, you judging them is in and of itself a sin.  You have propped yourself as the panel of judgement that they are doing bad.  What type of intention is that? I am no one.  I do not boast that I know of any judgement of good or bad.  I sometimes am confused as to what exactly I believe in.  However, I believe that the entity I call God (more male to me at times) or on some days the Universe (more female at times for me) would not want to see me judge someone like that.  Have I never judged someone? I would lying if I said no.  But I do my best not to.  I do my best to put my best foot forward and be open to things.  My feeble attempt at open mindedness helps me to remember that someone could be looking at me and judging me.  I could be judged by my condition.  Where people don't understand or might not be able to understand what happens to me in terms of my condition. Or maybe that I am not defined by the paperwork or mechanics of what my condition does.  I digress.  Intentions are a powerful thing.  I want to be sure my intentions are good.  I can't say pure because I am human. The human condition doesn't always have pure intentions.  But I can live with good.

Mental exhaustion

Sometimes because of studying or intensity of situations I become mentally exhausted.  I'm drained. I'm tired. This affects my condition. Whats interesting is justifying this condition while what I'm also having to justify puts me in that position.  It's a crazy cycle.  On paperwork I can understand questioning me. But it doesn't make me having to justify any easier.  Hence, the feeling of mental exhaustion

Ignorance

We all have it. We all need to learn from it.  We are surrounded by it. We are sometimes blinded by it. Ignorance. ..sighs

What works for you

An interesting conversation made me think about a core idea that I believe in.  What works for you doesn't work for me.  Here's an interesting thing about that as well.  People in general are quick to make assumptions and opinions about other people's lives.  Our different experiences make for us to have different paths.  By asserting an opinion as being honest or blunt is not necessarily helpful.  As a support system for a person you are there to hopefully ground someone.  You are there to bring a voice of reason for decisions.  You don't reap the rewards and suffer the consequences.  By asserting your opinion and how you assert also says a lot about you.  How do you assert that support.  What works for you doesn't work for me.  I have concluded that some will never truly understand that concept.  Their intentions are not malicious.  They mean well.  But they are so far off base that it's truly sad.  It's okay.  What helps is by peeling the layers off someone piece by piece with an open mind and open heart.  That's not an easy task.  Perhaps that openness leads to those feeling insecure of their ideas and values.  It's hard to know, really.  I was forthcoming about my concerns and fears to a friend regarding her decisions.  Yet, I explained that what works for me may not work for her.  And there is an extra variable to that equation.  If you assert any opinion about how someone should change things....make sure you back up with resources or support that they can truly use.  The concept of what works for you make not work for me truly takes on a thoughtful process of why we make decisions and how we make decisions.  It's something to think about when we have our next conversation with a friend or otherwise about their decisions.  What works for you may or may not work for me.

The ones we lose

Maybe the timing is interesting because Day of the Day is coming up. I couldn't tell you.  I thought of my Grandma today but to be honest...she's always at the forefront of my mind.  I have always believed she's been my guardian angel on this journey I am calling life.  I can't give you proof.  I can only give you my faith that she's been there....protecting me.  However, in recent moments I felt a second presence.  My friend Aaron was a complicated individual in life.  It stands to reason he's a complicated individual in death too.  Today as I was organizing some pictures I ran across him.  It stopped me in my tracks.  I didn't know what to feel actually.  It's been some time now (May) where the initial grief has subsided.  I won't lie to you and say I didn't have a very volatile and tumultuous friendship with him.  But I also can't lie and tell you his death didn't shake me to my core.  So death...a blog about death...on a Monday.  What a way to start the day.  My mortality is more on my mind now as I get older.  I've heard that is common.  It might be why I prefer to be around people that support me rather than bring me down.  I don't mind someone's take on me.  I can even deal with constructive criticism of me.  What I also need is support and positive reinforcement of my value to you.  Otherwise, it just feels like you're slinging insults at me.  That starts telling me more about you than really me.  The ones we lose....we start with the memories. If we are lucky we deal with the good...and the bad...and maybe even the ugly.  We deal with it all.  The ones we lose...their memory is not forgotten.  We speak less of them.  Our daily life may not necessarily have their name etched so readily somewhere. But we have still thought of the ones we lose.  Elysium from Gladiator is on.  How appropriate.

G...with a capital G

Being productive sometimes can come with guilt.  With a capital G, that is. You know you have to recharge.  But you also feel guilty when you aren't being productive.  It's a cycle that doesn't seem to break. Guilt. ..w a capital G.

Conversations we have

Whether it's with my husband or one of my best friends ,these conversations  stick with me.  Every once in a while I have a conversation that is outside of my regular circle of people I converse with.  And that's okay! Back to the conversations we have...I thank you for having them with me.  I love that we embark on different subjects. We aren't afraid to discuss whatever.  We speak of nothing...or everything. I understand schedules can't always allow us to have so many of them.  When we do...I cherish it. Know that.

When things fit

When things fit. When things are right. There is a just a right fit.  I've had a Goldilocks moment for things here and there.  I have a good fit with a partner. I have a good fit with a career. I have a good fit with my own life.  Yesterday I had a good fit with massage.  Things align. Things make sense.  It feels good to have that feeling.  It just works.  And just working makes everything right. All is right with the world.

Escape

I received a massage today.  I needed one.  However, I was also helping out a friend with internship hours.  I needed to escape from my own anxiety.  I do my best to keep it together.  On the table it's like every fiber of me just lets go.  I am so relaxed right now.  I've always struggled with my stress level.  I am still trying to learn how to control my anxiety or even how to react to my world around me.  I envy those who know how to let things just slide off them.  But for just a brief moment...massage does that.  I don't think...I just relax. It's my escape. It's an escape from even myself.

Consider the source

I've often told friends that one has to look at the credentials of an insults or criticism before really taking in all the information.  So it was only fair that I took my own "take".  It doesn't minimize the information that was received. After all, there is possible truth to the statement.  All too often people discuss trying to be "honest" with each other.  This is good...sort of.  My take is you want to support people. You want to bring them up.  Even the way you present this "truth" is important.  Are you "helping" the person improve or grow? Or are you simply lashing out or bringing them down? What is the intent of your "truth?" I want to make sure I present myself in the most genuine way.  I'm clumsy. I will fail, so to speak.  I will try again.  But I best think twice on the source.  Otherwise, I will second guess myself.  I do find value in feedback. But I must remember that I reap the rewards or consequences of my actions.  I must remember that while the feedback is invaluable....it isn't the final thought on whom I really am.  That's left me for to convey.  That's an important perspective.

One of those days

I'm not much for talking right now.  Perhaps I'll feel more comfortable writing next week. It's a conflict with positive thinking,  moo, and keeping it on in check

Rock and a hard place

Yesterday had that sort of effect.  They were drilling again.  The guys working on the roof have been kind enough to notify me because I spoke with Van, our president about that.  The first time I left my condo.  However, this time I decided to stick it out but no more studying was to be made upstairs.I can't just leave every time they are drilling.  I prefer not to drive when I feel how I feel when I hear the drilling.  Instead, I went downstairs and put the television on higher volume than usual.  I had forgotten about the check up for the AC unit we had gotten.  A technician was on his way.  Luckily, again I got notification about his arrival.  Still, it left me feeling just a little frazzled inside.  Some days do that where I find myself in a rock and a hard place.  It's funny. I used to handle things differently.  I felt like a gladiator who could handle anything that came her way.  As I am getting older...not so much! lol I hope to get some studying done today.  Today seems like it will be a quiet day.  Here's hoping it is!

Alternate universe

It was a very interesting conversation I was having.  From each decision we make an alternate universe could have a different outcome of how we live.  I must have had that on my mind because I was dreaming that I was a dancer.  It was a beautiful dream.  I was a ballerina.  I also did contemporary dancing.  It's funny how much joy I got from that dream.  There are times that I wished my life would have swayed another way.  One of my childhood dreams was to be a choreographer.  But as life goes we go by different paths.  Things happen I suppose.  Dance makes me happy.  Sometimes when I am alone I dance...because I can.  So you can understand why this dream would bring me to an ethereal feeling.  Alternate universes indeed.

Choosing the right kind of people

That's an important thing whether you are thinking in terms of friendship or relationships.  I chose so unwisely for my relationships.  I look back and I think I sabotaged them.  I haven't had a real relationship since Rickard.  If I had truly thought about these relationships I wouldn't have entered them.  I had more meaningful connection with some of my lovers than my actual boyfriends.  I didn't get close.  I didn't want to.  It's interesting now to be friends with him.  I remember why were such good friends.  It's funny...I don't see him as an ex...even though he is. I see him as the Rickard before we embarked on our romantic journey.  Back to choosing the right kind of people.....I am relieved Jeremy chose me.  He saw something in me.  I wasn't there yet to see it.  I felt like damaged goods.  I didn't feel worthy.  You start believing some of the things your romantic partners tell you.  I mean...you are the common denominator.  I thought about that.  I realized I wasn't suited to be with them.  So I didn't give them the best version of me.  I didn't think about the type of people I was around like I do now.  I didn't do that with friends either.  I only have a handful of friends that really see the vulnerability that I have.  I think about the decisions I put out into the world now.  I am conscious of the kind of life I am trying to have.  That's new.  It's also being the right kind of person for them.  That's a new one too.  I want to the be the right kind of partner for Jeremy.  I want to strive for that always.  I will always want to work on my relationship with Jeremy.  Jeremy isn't my everything but he is my world.  I adore him with every fiber of my being.  I don't put him on a pedestal.  But I do adore him and respect him.  I want to be the right kind of person for Jeremy. I want to be the right kind of friend.  It's important for me to have a positive impact in the world.I hope I do.

When you know

It's those quiet moments that you know.  You know of the person beside you has your back. They support.  They adore you. They love despite you are and because who you are. When you know. ..it makes life that much sweeter.  I never thought I'd experience this. Sometimes it frightens me that someone is this close to me. It frightens me of my vulnerability.  And then I smile because it's Jeremy.  I trust him with my whole being. 

Bubble

Sometimes you need to just give up on the day and go in your bubble.  A near triggered seizure and a broken rib have me just a bit agitated.  Hello weekend.  I've missed you. I need my bubble.

Stranger things

I fractured my left 8th rib...sneezing.  who does that?! It's a floating rib which is a bit of a consolation.  But...fractured? ! I had pumpkin iced coffee to numb the wtf feeling I was having earlier

Connection and disconnection

I have often heard that the internet has disconnected people.  I can understand that angle of thinking.  People don't always have the luxury of face time with other people.  For some, face time can be scary.  That much social interaction with people can be overwhelming.  That's where the internet has become an essential part of our lives.  The way I figure it...it can be good or bad depending on the person.  For instance, I appreciate being able to stay in contact with people aren't here locally.  I have friends that I have crossed paths with and I like being able to participate in their lives still.  I have friends in other states.  More importantly, I have friends in other countries that I have been able to stay connected with. I have mended rifts.  As we age, some of the trivial things that might have bothered us in our youth seem senseless.  Are there people I might not ever see face to face? Yes. Strangely enough...I still feel close to people and suddenly distance doesn't seem to factor in.  So for me...the connection and disconnection doesn't phase me.  I am able to stay in touch with people I want to stay in touch with.  I am able to connect to witnesses to different aspects of my life.  That's important.  It's important to have witnesses to different parts of my life.  It shows the "blueprint" or map to what I have become.  It also shows my progression or in some cases my demise.  It shows how I have evolved into the person you know today.  Imagine really taking that in...Imagine reading, or watching someone's history...that...right there...that...is what fascinates me. Your history...my connection to you. I like that.  You can see why I like stories.  

The dance

There is a dance that whether you are a friend, a family member, or even a significant other you have this dance with that person.  You








































































































































































































There is a dance that you have with different people in your life.  Whether you are romantic or other you find  a dance.  You start learning the ins and outs of this person.  You learn how to "dance" in your relationship.  Sometimes that dance stops.  It's usually because one or both of the people realize that this isn't work.  Any relationship requires work.  I don't mean the type where it is excruciating.  I just mean that any relationship requires that the "dance partners" find a way to exist in the same space and make the existence work for both.  They work together to create "a dance".  I thoughts about gestures yesterday.  People make gestures to make others know that they care.  But what if the gesture is that they don't know how to make a gesture but if you ask...they are happy to do it.  I believe that it is still a gesture.  I am learning that not everyone has this grand creative process.  And that's okay.  We all have different parts to us.  But a gesture...well...the gesture starts that dance.





























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Stories

I am fascinated by stories.  Sometimes they are love stories.  However, it's just the journey of a person, a friendship, a relationship that fascinates me and I love hearing it being shared.  I like how a story unfolds with many layers to it.  It's the beauty of unfolding that story that fascinates me.  Each details leaves me with an image as though I am witness to it.  I am honored by the stories.  I am honored that people share parts of their story with me.  It means they trust me.  It's important that people feel like they can trust me.  I am humbled by that.  I am also humbled by people's belief in me. Sometimes I can't figure what they are seeing. But I am amazed of how much people believe in me.  Is there a story that I don't tell with my words but rather my actions? Stories....That may be something else.  Stories that aren't being told with words but with actions.  It's like a dance...I like the idea of that.  It's like a dance...a story that is being told that you as the audience member can interpret for yourself.  As you can see, I am fascinated by stories.  I don't bore of stories.  Stories are history too.

Reading this

I don't have much to say today.  However, I would never want to not reach my audience...whomever you are.  I learned long ago to not really be privy to that information.  So here I am, writing to you...well a little blindly. I've been more and more aware of you as my audience.  I can't even give you the words of appreciation properly. I am beyond humbled that you take time out of your day to read this.  You read my insights. You read my thoughts. It's like a journey into my diary! This blog has become quite personal. Yet, it's out in plain sight. It's just a matter of someone willing to look for it.  So it means that much that you, my reader whether it's just here and there or on a regular basis that you read this.  Usually, as I blog I have it on Spa Radio.  My thoughts seem so clear when I am on the station.  So I can't say that I have anything creative right now.  I'm a bit lost right now, actually.  My confidence has been a little broken. I'll get it back. I'm just trying to figure a strategy on that.  A strategy on finding a strategy. Now...that's an interesting concept.

Happy people can be sad too

I think sometimes people who have a positive outlook are a little hard on themselves. Sometimes the expectation come from the outside world that can't fathom "positive" people being any other way.  My conversation with a friend really hit on point.  Sometimes the sunshine is a cloudy day.  And you know what? That's okay.  It's part of the human condition.  Perspective still needs to be there.  That's where a support system helps keep things in perspective.  It's okay...to not be okay.  One has to give themselves a moment or two to not be okay.  One can't live there.  Otherwise it is easy to fester in the "depression" or "anger" or any other dark space people reside in.  I resided in a double life sort of way.  Until I allowed myself help I resided and it affected my way of life. Even if I didn't want to admit it.  I wasn't ready for a relationship like Jeremy because I wasn't ready to admit there was anything wrong.  Jeremy's support has been invaluable.  You could say that he saved me.  And maybe by this "leap of faith" of allowing myself to be vulnerable and trust someone...maybe I saved Jeremy.  I love Jeremy. It's obvious.  The true beauty of our love story sometimes is the way he looks at me.  It's the moments that I catch him with that smile of being with his "soul's twin".  Jeremy is a man of few words.   However, when he says something it is often very profound.  So Jeremy confirming our connection by saying, "I'm his soulmate"....That's a whole different vantage point.  And ever so much more meaningful.  If that makes sense.  I don't minimize any feelings I have towards him.  I do, however, give more weight to his feelings.  I can admit that I feel a bit defeated. I am puzzled. I am looking for direction. I cry because I don't know how to process things right now.  And then I chastise myself for crying on something so trivial as a formality...like a test.  Then...the psychologist side of me reminds me that happy people...can be sad too.  It's a battle to keep this balance at times.  My intellectual side, my emotional side, my childlike wonder side, my brazen fearless side....all trying to voice what space I am residing at this time.  In some ways, that is my neurosis.  I understand the manifestations because I created them. And then allowed them to grow and develop.  First, they helped me survive and function in order to continue with life.  Rather than something like rape...*whew* break me I was too stubborn to be a victim.  I have been abused as a wife (my first husband) and then as a girlfriend ( the boyfriend before Jeremy).  I've had a gun pointed at my head (my cousin).  I've survived a drive by (with boyfriend before Jeremy).  I have a developmental disability. I have Epilepsy.  I'm too stubborn to stay sad...but I need to allow myself that.  If i can survive...maybe even thrive after previous said thing...I can survive this.  I just need to remember...happy people can be sad too.  Why did I mention all these things? I have confided things but never really wrote them down.  I supposed typing them made them real.  And maybe I am proud that I try to be a positive impact for other people.  I want to be the right kind of poster child.  Things happen for a reason. I'm confused why.  But here's something to think about and this is why I still have faith in good.  Jeremy and I met through one of my tragedies ( the person).  I would do everything...even that all over again.  So...what am I babbling about? Sometimes writing gives me perspective.  It comes in waves.  But I wrote it down.  I put it out there.  Maybe you can learn something from it.  Maybe you learned happy people can be sad too.  And that's more than okay.

The reason for this

When I started blogging I didn't exactly have a theme for it.  I was merely trying to prove to myself I could follow up and keep one going.  Once I achieved that goal I had to think and ponder what my purpose for my blog was.  After awhile, I realized it was to witness my journey through my words.  This is an insight to me sometimes.  It's personal.  It's private.  It is public enough so that people can read it but not everyone will.  There are a few that do.  I cherish that.  I cherish that someone has taken that time to read my thoughts.  Sometimes I get philosophical.  Other times it's just testimony of insanity or zaniness.  It became my diary as it were.  I do, on occasion forget to post on the same day.  I used to feel terrible for that.  Then I realized there isn't a rule book for this.  So I usually write something small to make up for the day and then write extra long for the current day.  It's a strange OCD I have with it.  We will call it the quirkiness that encompasses Jess.  I am sad I didn't pass...again! I want to run away sometime from shame.  And then I stop myself.  I have a great life.  I have a wall to pass and this silly test is a great big old ugly troll.  I did great in school.  I wasn't this slacker.  Jeremy made a point the other day that stuck with me.  We as humans will find the one thing that isn't working and harp on that.  We forget to acknowledge the other blessings or great things that occupy our life.  That is something I must remind myself.  My health is mostly good.  I have hiccups here and there because of it.  I do have to accommodate for things.  My process for thinking also accommodates.  It's quite interesting, actually.  I do have a developmental disability but I was too stubborn to go to places that might have otherwise labeled me with a disability.  I stuck with mainstream.  I played sports.  For all practical purpose I painted myself as normal.  But there has always been a notice of me being "different"...maybe off..or my personal favorite "weird".  I don't actually get offended with the word weird.  I didn't as a child because I desperately wanted to fit in.  But after awhile I accepted my fate and then customized the weirdness! So here I am...Hello :) I hope when you read this you are smiling..maybe even having a little chuckle agreeing that I am a little out there.  I am perfectly happy with that.  It's only when it turns to mock that I pity that you don't know the beautiful mess I can really be.  I can't say that I am a complete angel of things or that I don't have my moments where harmony is just not in my vocabulary.  However, I'd like to think I live my life trying to be a positive impact.  I hope I am that for you.  Until next time....Thank you, silent friend.  I don't know who reads this.  Quite frankly, I don't need to know.  All I need to know is that I made an impact on you.

Day late day distracted

This is yesterday's entry. It happens.  Life happens. It's good being distracted.  It's good having friends that distract you