Happy people can be sad too

I think sometimes people who have a positive outlook are a little hard on themselves. Sometimes the expectation come from the outside world that can't fathom "positive" people being any other way.  My conversation with a friend really hit on point.  Sometimes the sunshine is a cloudy day.  And you know what? That's okay.  It's part of the human condition.  Perspective still needs to be there.  That's where a support system helps keep things in perspective.  It's okay...to not be okay.  One has to give themselves a moment or two to not be okay.  One can't live there.  Otherwise it is easy to fester in the "depression" or "anger" or any other dark space people reside in.  I resided in a double life sort of way.  Until I allowed myself help I resided and it affected my way of life. Even if I didn't want to admit it.  I wasn't ready for a relationship like Jeremy because I wasn't ready to admit there was anything wrong.  Jeremy's support has been invaluable.  You could say that he saved me.  And maybe by this "leap of faith" of allowing myself to be vulnerable and trust someone...maybe I saved Jeremy.  I love Jeremy. It's obvious.  The true beauty of our love story sometimes is the way he looks at me.  It's the moments that I catch him with that smile of being with his "soul's twin".  Jeremy is a man of few words.   However, when he says something it is often very profound.  So Jeremy confirming our connection by saying, "I'm his soulmate"....That's a whole different vantage point.  And ever so much more meaningful.  If that makes sense.  I don't minimize any feelings I have towards him.  I do, however, give more weight to his feelings.  I can admit that I feel a bit defeated. I am puzzled. I am looking for direction. I cry because I don't know how to process things right now.  And then I chastise myself for crying on something so trivial as a formality...like a test.  Then...the psychologist side of me reminds me that happy people...can be sad too.  It's a battle to keep this balance at times.  My intellectual side, my emotional side, my childlike wonder side, my brazen fearless side....all trying to voice what space I am residing at this time.  In some ways, that is my neurosis.  I understand the manifestations because I created them. And then allowed them to grow and develop.  First, they helped me survive and function in order to continue with life.  Rather than something like rape...*whew* break me I was too stubborn to be a victim.  I have been abused as a wife (my first husband) and then as a girlfriend ( the boyfriend before Jeremy).  I've had a gun pointed at my head (my cousin).  I've survived a drive by (with boyfriend before Jeremy).  I have a developmental disability. I have Epilepsy.  I'm too stubborn to stay sad...but I need to allow myself that.  If i can survive...maybe even thrive after previous said thing...I can survive this.  I just need to remember...happy people can be sad too.  Why did I mention all these things? I have confided things but never really wrote them down.  I supposed typing them made them real.  And maybe I am proud that I try to be a positive impact for other people.  I want to be the right kind of poster child.  Things happen for a reason. I'm confused why.  But here's something to think about and this is why I still have faith in good.  Jeremy and I met through one of my tragedies ( the person).  I would do everything...even that all over again.  So...what am I babbling about? Sometimes writing gives me perspective.  It comes in waves.  But I wrote it down.  I put it out there.  Maybe you can learn something from it.  Maybe you learned happy people can be sad too.  And that's more than okay.