Coloring outside the lines

This was on my Memories thing

Uncle Jeremy time.  I love it.

Heartmelt.  Ughs.  It's disgusting how much I love this man lol

Aunt Jess time

We went to a Hogwarts Arts and Crafts show.  I was decked out in my Hufflepuff and Harry Potters stuff

Hogwarts bow!

Representing Hufflepuff!

One of my favorite pictures

Birthday fun.  We had a blast that night

A new lanyard for work! Harry Potter love! I have Doctor Who love and now Harry Potter love! Oh...btw...the current Doctor Who is leaving.  

What??! An ice cream truck?!!!

My birthday wine

Last present came in

Jeremy mailed out the DNA thingy.  We should find out in 6-8 weeks. 

Love this

I am in love with this pizza.  Mediterranean pizza is the best ever!!!! They're all pretty great, though.  I just happen to love this one the best.

My Unicorn beanie

Belated birthday present from dear one

Hello, there.

The climate

The emotional climate is quiet tense.  I've been reading articles and watching news, here and there.  Jeremy and I don't have cable anymore.  It's been one of the best decision we made.  There is reading.  There is Netflix.  There are other things we can still see but it's really helped.  However, I still want to be updated regarding news and the world.  I do see some news at my client's place.  I keep up with NPR.  And right now...I'm shaking my head.  I can only imagine what the world's perspective is of us right now.  I'm embarrassed, really.  I had a great time with my birthday weekend and was going to talk about that.  But I couldn't.  I'd feel like I was having an Ivanka Trump moment.    An ill timed decision to celebrate lavish and happy.  I don't know how to explain it. My 40th birthday was memorable.  It was meaningful.  Like last night.  Jeremy made scallops and asparagus.  And we had my birthday wine.  MC and CC gave me wine when we went over for their daughter's birthday.  It's an amazing Red blend.  I can have blends.  I can't have straight Reds.  I love Merlots.  Merlots don't love me.  My last birthday present came in.  I thought it was home decor.  Jeremy told me it was prints.  They were smaller than expected.  However, the style was an unexpected and wonderful surprise.  The background is a page from a dictionary.  That was...perfect.  Tonight, we are being taken out for my birthday but we should also find out about the job.  I'm nervous...and excited and so many things.  If it doesn't work out, that's okay too.  They have been looking for Jeremy.  That's a nice ego boost.  Jeremy will just continue studying.  I love my new assignment.  Mrs. "Walters" is just too wonderful.  I love my job.  The emotional climate is tense.  But life still has to continue.  The political climate is tense. But life still hast to continue.

The boring brings happy too

Is it weird to say that? I find boring part of happy too.  I had a rather quiet day after my birthday.  I have a tradition I started a couple of years back.  I get a discount for a massage at a really great massage place.  I don't really need to go much to a massage because Jeremy does a phenomenal job.  However, since I get a discount at this place, I decided to do two hours of massage.  The therapist did a unique massage to my neck I have never had before.  It was awesome.  It was amazing.  I had also been looking into a sound on my car that I hear sometimes when I brake.  I was due for an oil change.  But since I was there, I decided to do the brake fluid too to help with the sound I hear.  I don't like going to car places by myself.  It's one of the few places I will go by myself.  I've been going for about 3 years.  And I like that they have employed a woman.  She has a crazy but awesome name.  Jansin.  She was telling me she almost became a Diana.  It wouldn't have suited her.  And then, off to get ingredients for dinner.  I don't feel any different being 40.  and yet, I do. Tonight, SADF and I celebrate a little of our birthday.  With tiaras no less.  I was going to wear my Unicorn band but it doesn't go with my outfit.  Jeremy is getting a cake for us.  My other two gifts have not come in yet.  Which bummed him and I out.  But they will come.  We must have patience.  My first one would have been amazing enough.  Every morning and every night, Jeremy helps me with the cleaning of it since I can't reach it.  I love my tattoo.  So much meaning behind it.  So...bring on the boring.  I like quiet days.  Jeremy and I are in that better space.  There is a reason to my madness, so to speak.  I'm easy going.  But when you feel like you're being disrespected...you ought to say something because it could fester.  And it some ways, I was feeling that with Jeremy.  I said something.  And he changed his behavior.  And so did I, for that matter.  I always want to improve our marriage.  And our friendship.  We love each other.  And that is a true blessing.  Sometimes, life can make us jaded in our relationships...whether friendship, marriage, or familial.  And when we continue to connect to people and improve on those relationships...we bring a healthy balance to ourselves.  At least that is what I have been experiencing.  I had a beautiful talk with my neurologist about it.  She is an amazing person.  I only see her twice a year.  I had a great conversation with the massage therapist but he spilled his guts a little too much with me.  I'm used to it but I kind of wanted a more quiet time to go to sleep.  In the end, I was okay with it.  I made dinner and Jeremy and I watched Hunter X Hunter.  We just finished Blue Exorcist.  I throw in a movie here and there.  And we're still playing Dante's Inferno.  Boring...is beautiful.  I can't say every day has an adventure or profound moment.  And I'm okay with that.  I like just being happy with my life.  Healing by Tim Wheater is on.  How fitting.

Birthday meaning

On my Memories time line

So is this

What a perfect place to put it.  That's where I found it

Because, Yes

:) I found this yesterday

That was yummy to share

I put UniKitty together!!!

I cried

Someone put this on my timeline

Jeremy brought these home last night....I love carnations

What a profound day

I cried.  I just...cried

Profound

That is the way I can describe this birthday so far.  39 seemed to be about over the top.  My 40th is about...profound.  My birthday is about...meaning.  From the beautiful card that Jeremy got me to the birthday video that my friend Nat just sent to the video chat Shortstop gave me.  Which btw, we hadn't seen each other in years.  That was a beautiful birthday gift in and of itself.  Her birthday is a day before me.  She usually forgot and put it with hers.  Which is cute. So does my friend JMB.  His is the 26th.  I feel the love.  I feel the depth and meaning behind this birthday.  I feel the heartfelt beauty of celebrating life...my life.  I celebrate the hardships.  I celebrate the pain.  I celebrate the joys that came from such pain.  It almost reminds me of the movie, "Inside out".  Some of the best moments in life that became joyful originated from sad.  Jeremy has an interview today.  Yes.  An interview.  Wouldn't that be a birthday gift??! Either way, I am proud of him trying to move forward.  I am proud of us.  Marriage is not easy.  You have two entities.  You have two people that think differently...even if they think similarly.  In some ways, Jeremy and I are alike.  I see that now with my confidence.  And in some ways, I see how differently we are.  However, when you love fiercely, you figure it out.  I'm proud of our evolution as a married couple.  We struggle to communicate and get across to each other sometimes.  We struggle to compromise sometimes.  But every day we choose to be here together.  I watch more closely now at those quiet moments between us...the moments where you realize you have built a friendship, a life, forged a bond and connected with a person.  Whether it's my best friends.  Or my husband.  Or my family.  Or even my cat....It's about connecting and truly feeling that connection with those I love.  Even...the connection I have with myself.  That one has been the hardest one to figure out.  Truly.  But with therapy, I am understanding the core of some of my pain.  I am understanding how my life has paved a certain way through my decisions and choices.  Keys to the Heart from Danny Wright is on.  I hope you have a profound day, today.  Because I am.  And it's not even over yet.  At 10:16 p.m. CST, I will be 40.  What a beautiful moment that will be .  It will be like a quietness of two ships passing.  And it will be a smile that only the heart can see.  That only the heart understands how to feel it.  Let that sink in...Yes...I really just got corny on you.  I have such a happiness because the best gift...I gave to myself.  I am learning how to be free of my own chains...my own pain...my own prison.  Here's to timing....and the Universe.

Kerli - Here And Now (Audio)

Seems like an awesome song to put up

Finding the beauty

It never ceases to amaze me.  Finding the beauty within.  Books.  Conversations, Music.  They all make me happy in this way that fills my glitterbag up to fulfill myself.  I think I, and we as a people lose ourselves in our work, in our relationships.  And we forget to see us.  Yes.  In a relationship...friendships...in marriages...you do want to think of others.  But not without a balance of recharging...keeping a piece of yourself.  It's easier said than done.  Tomorrow... I turn 40.  There is so much insight I have received over the years.  And will continue to receive.  I only hope I understand the gift of the insight...of the lesson being taught.  What a beautiful gift...my life.  My life is a gift.  My experiences are a gift.  Even the bad ones.  Because they taught me to be strong.  To be this strong beautiful badass goddess.  And I don't need a man to tell me that.  I don't need anyone to tell me that.  Here's to finding the beauty.  They beauty inside of us.

Seeing through Unicorn eyes

My birthday gift to myself

Someone put this on my timelife

Oops I forgot to include the sparkly potion thingy.  A Unicorn umbrella, a wand, Unikitty lego thingy, and sparkly potion.  And the bow that you don't see in this picture.  

Nom Nom Nom

Smells AND tastes like Brisket

My tattoo.  Thank you, Jeremy

French toasts, Eggs with ham and cheese, and cheese pancakes.  And of course, coffee.  Or as I called it while we were finishing up Blue Exorcist...the nectar of the Gods

Did he ever....I will always be fascinated and little thrown off by the Universe by my first glace of Jeremy

Harry Potter love!!!

Meaningful

Yesterday was so special.  And eventful.  I had called to confirm if the tattoo place I wanted to go to was open. That was on Wednesday.  So it was odd that when we got there...it was closed.  But with some quick thinking and Google, we ended up at Element Tattoo.  It felt like some weird De ja vu.  Even thought I've never been to this place.  I'd been staring at this place for years when I used to go to the club across from it for Karaoke.  Yes.  I used to Karaoke.  "L" got one as well.  Hers was the Deathly Hallows symbol with wings.  It's beautiful.  I was grateful for the feedback from Chris, the artist.  In the end, I went with a classic look.  I love my tattoo.  I've thought about this tattoo, for years.  But the timing seemed right.  I was curious to see where my pain threshold was at 40.  It was painful but it was doable.  In fact, at one point...it tickled.  That was unexpected.  And I went to "Serenity".  This tattoo represents a sort of rebirth for me.  There is so much that goes into healing yourself.  And each journey is different.  Last night, as Jeremy and I were discussing the experience today...it was just a moment to remember.And the Universe also decided on an odd choice for a song but hey...Love me like you do.    And I thought about timing and the Universe.  Jeremy had also decided that day to put it on a station I listen to.  I used to listen to 94.1 but then it changed.  And felt a little lost with radio.  102.7 Jack is nice but I hadn't exactly felt a connection.  I listen.  It's on my preset.  But no connection.  Same with 105.3.  But somewhere...101.9 has resonated.  So there he put it...and it was just a moment.  I looked at him and awwed.  And he smiled.  A small but meaningful gesture.  Going back to DA and "L"'s place, it was just a moment to remember.  I am so happy she did this me.  We had been talking about this for months.  And then...the day was there.  I got to open my presents.  I got a want from the Fantastic Beasts collection.  Madam President's! I got a lego Unikitty.  I got a Hogwarts Houses bow.  I got a Unicorn umbrella.  And they had made a Tuxedo cheesecake for me.  There is so much meaning into things.  At least for me there is.  Yesterday is a day that will stay with me.  Passages from Jon Schmidt is on.

22

I met Jeremy 22 years ago, today.  How surreal.  Who knew this day would be such a game changer for both of us.  Jeremy and I have such history.  I have often smiled about the chemistry we have had over the years.  As friends, there was a playfulness between us.  But never anything past that.  I respected what he and Sandra had.  I have this deep seeded respect for those committed to each other.  I like to call it girl code.  Not every one woman abides by it.  I try to because I would hope others would abide by it to.  Call it a pay it forward, if you will.  But it's always been there.  Javier was so insistent of me meeting Jeremy.  Jeremy is a guys' guy.  It's really hard to put into words the draw that he has.  I've seen it as his friend.  I've seen it as his girlfriend.  And I've seen it as his wife and best friend.  I always joked into the past that there were two guys the answer would be yes.  One, oddly enough, I got my chance to see if there was something between us.  We'll call him...Chris.  But something just didn't fit or feel right.  Despite a huge crush since I was 12 years old.  I had known Chris that long.  And then, there was Jeremy.  It took us 12 years before we were both in a good place to date.  And we've never looked back.  We have had our struggles.  I express a lot.  He expresses very little.  But we have figured it out.  Why? Because we love each other.  And maybe we saw...maybe we knew....we fit.  We just fit.  There is a deep seeded friendship between Jeremy and I.  I feel it and enjoy it in the quiet moments we have.  I feel it when we are snuggling or hugging.  I even feel it when we aren't too fond of each other.  I look back and wonder what sparked...the spark? I can tell you when I fell for him.  It was a year later.  I was taking guitar lessons at school.  I had a break before my next class.  And I placed my guitar down.  I usually hung out with gamer friends.  The same group.  In fact, I was the only girl.  That wasn't unusual.  Being one of the guys.  SA later and "G"  came later the next year.  And before I knew it, Jeremy had picked up my guitar and started playing.  I watched him.  He didn't look up.  He just played.  And then looked a couple of times at the end.  And somehow...I knew.  I wasn't going to say anything.  He knew when he met me.  He wasn't going to say anything.  It's not our style.  So when he split, we finally said something to each other...and boom.... We have talked about today, 22 years ago.  We have talked about how we felt.  It's a love story of sorts.  It's our love story.  It's our friendship story.  I'm proud of our story.  Because when the time was right.....there we were.  And here we are.  22 years later.  I am still trying to wrap myself around that number. 22. Half of my life.  22.  It feels...surreal.  Transendence from Karmacosmic is on.

Every day

Every day is a new opportunity for healing and growth.  Today I had lunch with Jeremy.  Then, it was time for therapy.  It is such an eye opener.  My therapist is amazing.  But she is quick to remind me I'm the one doing the work.  Still Waters by David and Steve Gordon is on.  Healing is emotionally exhausting.  I feel drained right now.  I also might feel drained from the sneezing frenzy I've had all day.  or as Jeremy dubbed me.."MRs. Sneezathon".  Cute. Very cute. lol Tomorrow is quite a day for us.  I met Jeremy 22 years ago.  I still have to wrap myself around that number.  We have history.  I have known him half my life.  Let me just process that for a minute.  Now...let me process that soon, I will be 40.  I am looking forward to it.  I was deciding on whether to wear a tiara or unicorn band to my birthday thing.  Unicorn won out.  40 means not caring what others think of you.  I say that in many texts to friends.  Every day is a new opportunity for healing and growth.

Zakk Wylde - Lost Prayer

Interesting song

Think...and entertain

"L" wants to get this game.  I so want to play this!!!

Yes, I do

I made brownies!!!

My new grocery list book for my client "Mrs. Walters"

That says enough

Food for thought

Early Birthday present from my friend "EN"

Betty Kearney

Okay Okay.  I was trying to be punny.  Okay.  Okay. I'll stop. lol Betty Crocker, it is.
I went to half price bookstore to see if I could find a baking book yesterday. I found a brownie book.  But it's a brownie mix cookbook.  That was exciting to find.  And the reason is because "L" and I were having a conversation on where to start in the baking arena.  She suggested to get box ones first and then mix it up with my own flair.  So I made brownies yesterday...with a twist.  They were Betty Crocker's version of Mexican brownies.  Jeremy thought they were delicious.  I even had one for breakfast today.  I couldn't go walking because of the rain.  So, instead, I did Zumba.  I forgot how much fun it was.  I was bummed when they changed the schedule on the Zumba classes at the gym.  But I no longer have a membership there.  I can't believe a week from now, I'm turning 40.  I am excited about it.  This weekend, if all goes well, I am getting my first gift, the tattoo.  It's going to surround my other tattoo.  I will give the artist some liberty on how to ribbon around it but it will have a trinity knot on all four ends and at the top, Serenity.  The Trinity knot has always been an important part of me.  Even as a child, I looked at it as more of my version of a cross, than the cross itself.  So it has incredible symbolic meaning.  Last year, Jeremy gave me a necklace charm for my birthday.  This year, it is 3 gifts that I wanted.  I was going for a T rex costume, but the more I thought about it, the more I saw myself being claustrophobic.  The first one is the tattoo.  I had been thinking about another tattoo but I didn't exactly have the right idea on the design.  And then, about a month ago, it hit me.  The first one is a testimony regarding my pain journey and at the time, the hope for real love.  The hope for a love where I got to be myself.  Trust me.  I had no idea Jeremy was in that realm.  The second would be about my healing journey.  And I wanted a special word on top.  Made whole had been coming up but something felt weird about it.  And then, while I was swirling around with thoughts, an epiphany.  In therapy, the comfort place that I have envisioned...the place is called Serenity.  Even the movie has a bit of history with me.  Serenity prayer has a history.  Serenity.  How so very fitting.  The second gift is ancestry DNA.  I've been wanting to do this for years.  I think 40 is the best time for it.  And finally, something small but yet, so significant.  I want a King and Queen chess pieces home decor.  I found them long ago at Ross.  But I like that Jeremy is getting them for me.  We had a conversation where he acknowledge I am his Queen.  I don't hear those words often from him.  Sighs.  Sometimes, he is such a man of few words.  He has improved on words of affirmation.  But it isn't his strong suit.  And that can be hard on me sometimes.  So I resolved it.  I asked him to write 10 things he liked about me.  And it's now on my phone as a screen saver.  That way, I see it...every time I check my phone.  It makes me smile.  It makes me giggle.  It makes my heart warm in a fuzzy way.  Because of the pain of my past and the verbal cruelty that Javier did, words means so much...whether bad or good.  Hearing you'e stupid for years does something to you, especially if you're struggling with a learning disability of sorts.  I have come to realize how incredibly intelligent I am.  But not without some blood, sweat, and tears.  And not all of them have been my blood, sweat, and tears.  I've had friends work so hard to change my perspective of myself.  Sound for Silence by Dean Evenson is on. Every day is another opportunity for healing and growth.  It is another day for me to learn about myself and grow from some of the experiences I have had.  This life is all about learning lessons from those experiences.  Sometimes when thinking of our purpose...I imagine us as chess pieces to this game of life.  The Universe and God, having players in the game.  The pieces move on their own.  But sometimes both take a stake and give some help.  And so I imagine that these experiences help us learn.  They build memories.  And somewhere along the way, it builds a certain "energy".  These are the thoughts of a Unicorn sometimes.  

Breaking Benjamin - Never Again

I was listening to this while I was blogging

Not much

I don't have much on the blog front.  I heard about a a teacher of mine passing away.  Then, a handful of friends that knew someone lost his life at 28, by a car accident.  Mortality.  It's something that is more on my mind at 40.  I will be turning 40 in a week and a day.  I just confirmed that I will be off.  Jeremy and I off is a gift, in and of itself.  Cherish those close to you.  You just never know

Sampha - (No One Knows Me) Like The Piano

Interesting

Cage the Elephant - Cold Cold Cold (lyrics)

A cool song to listen to on a Friday.  Happy listening.  I love either introducing you or giving you a gift of music that you might enjoy.  Yah me!

1703

That's how many people have read the entry of my case number.  Thank you.  If nothing else, that my story has reached people is enough for me.  Thank you for putting a face and a story to a rape survivor.    Thank you for understanding that I still have a long ways to go for healing but that I have come so far in my confidence and healing. Thank you for giving a damn.    Triggers can really throw a person for a loop.  But with the right kind of help, and the right kind of support, life can be a beautiful journey to be on.  And while some days, I feel like a chicken without a head, most days...most days, I am grateful for the life I have.

What works for you

When I went to the therapy session, I was a little anxious.  I was open to new ideas of healing.  And this experience would be no different.  Still, I didn't know what to expect.  We talked about this "comfort place", where I go when I am stressed, or afraid. I call it Serenity.   Think What Dreams may come kind of vibe.  Poetry, the land is edible, like cake.  I get to talk to world leaders about philosophy.  I hear my own voice singing.  I paint.  I paint in colors of what I call Cozumel Blue, such a beautiful color that I saw in Cozumel, while snorkeling.  It was clear water blue with a hint of green? It was beautiful.  We talked about disturbances.  All while I was holding two prongs that vibrated.  They seemed to stimulate or awake my pre frontal cortex.  This method could be seen as hooey in some cases.  But I am learning...what works for you...works for you.  And this worked for me.  I find ways to calm myself.  I find ways to learn now to heal myself or function while things subside in me.  I have Epilepsy.  It usually stays dormant but there are small moments where I am reminded of my condition.  I have PCOS, where I am reminded how my body temperature is greatly affected by weather or AC temperature.  I have PTSD.  Yes.  Something I really try not to delve into because the stigma of it being considered a mental illness.  But there it is...I have PTSD.  Take that, Pierce Morgan.  And I am a rape survivor.  If you think about it, suddenly encompassing a Unicorn persona, or Queen Sparkles doesn't seem so far fetched of how I cope or perceive my life.  It works for me.  I stopped worrying about what people might think.  Was it too silly, too weird, too...whatever? If you thought any of me, and not in a good way ( I could tell by your voice or the expressions on your face), then, in the end...you didn't get me.  Suddenly, living by the Hufflepuff code made sense.  It works for me.  Unless you actually experience it yourself, one cannot really understand what rape survivors have to deal with daily in order to survive...or better yet, thrive in their life.  I already process the world differently because of my Epilepsy.  Now, I also processed the world differently from being a survivor.  I used to used aspects in order to survive life.  I noticed I still am aware one personality stands out more when I need strength that I myself seem "frozen" or unable to have.  It's still me...and yet, it's not.  I have come to understand that when I feel vulnerable, it is harder for me to believe I, alone can have that strength.  I am still working on that.  Memories by Ryan Stewart is on.  I finally figured what to put on my tattoo.  Serenity.  It's not a big tattoo.  But it does celebrate this healing journey I have traveled and still continue to be on.  I will still continue to heal.  I will still continue to grow.  Every day is a new opportunity for healing and growth.  That's what I text my friends.  And it rings true.  Every day is a new opportunity for healing and growth.

Unicorn kind of day

This was on my memories.  It still cracks me up

Food for thought.  This was also on my memories thing

Yes, they do.  First, sad.  Then happy.  Then, not sure.  Then, tainted.  Then, appreciation.  Now, just happy.

Indeed.

Someone put this on my timeline

:) I try to be

First day of new assignment.  I had a blast.  How much? You'll see lol

I blame Drew Barrymore

OMG

I had a blast this much.  Jemily made a new friend.  This is Fru Fru

Spotify and morning walks makes for a very happy Jess

Again, I blame Drew Barrymore