A color for the mood

My Miracle by Danny Wright is on.  It kind of seems fitting for the mood I am in.  I wasn't sure how to blog today.  I say fitting because one part of me has a metaphorical skip in my step.  I had a sneezing frenzy this morning.  But it didn't deter my mood.  My post today was about that.  They're not rose colored, by any means.  But I am starting to see the view as aquamarine, blue green.  A col but very clear color.  It also reminds me the conversation with Kate, my therapist.  I terminated my therapy Tuesday.  I am in a good place and space in life.  One of the most important things I needed to learn was how to live life after reporting, which I have.  And also to learn how to react in life, in general.  I likened it to sifting through different pains in life.  My emotional radar gets let's say...confuzzled on the pain and betrayal barometer.  It's never easy to explain so I won't try.  But one of the casualties of being raped is this emotional radar malfunction of sorts.  Anytime I terminated a friendship or relationship, I have a different perspective scope of things because I have mapped out the emotional radar differently.  That has so helped.  For past things.  For my present.  and for my future.  I have four people I generally text every morning or text me every morning during the week.  One of those conversations went as follows:

I reflect on how another lesson learned was one necessary.  And that was pain.  I reflect on happier and healthier times and appreciate that I need to walk through and walk away.  I look back and it was inevitable.  In order to have my healing today, it was needed to help propel me to therapy.  While I was getting therapy on being sexually assaulted, I was also getting help on understanding my world, how to react to it, how to trust it, and how to thrive and lead a healthy life.  I was helping myself to continue healthy relationships with Jeremy and people I care about and whom care about me.  I was helping myself to continue a healthy relationship with myself.  Even when I have a subject that might make things awkward between Jeremy and I, it was a conversation we could have, move on, and still have a beautiful evening.  You see, we both have learned how to communicate to each other.  But it does start with me.  I have had to learn to react differently.  And how do you really teach that?! It came with time, understanding, and an extraordinary therapist.  She keeps saying I did all the work.  But this time, something clicked.  Natalia was amazing too but she left.  But that was also necessary.  I needed to also learn that lesson.  I was very nervous starting with a new therapist this time around.  I am so glad I did.  I encourage anyone who knows someone or is someone that has had a traumatic experience to find a good fit for a therapist.  It is key.
I often gave off this Xena ish warrior barrier vibe.  I hadn't meant to but it had become so much habit I didn't know how else to handle pain.  Or express it.  I also relied on my aspects to express me because I wasn't ready to be whole yet.  I hadn't realized there were experiences I needed to have in order to be whole.  Like pain, a disconnection,  meeting CC, therapy, and reporting, just to name a few.  So..at the beginning of the blog I put My Miracle as the song.  My miracle...is me.  I am walking proof of living a healthy life as a rape survivor.  The journey never truly ends for the survivor.  I will have moments.  But I feel a healing that is unprecedented.  And for me, that is everything.