Experiences

You always gotta be ready for experiences and adventures. You gotta be open ro them. You can learn from them. You can build a virtual hook in your head or a mental handbook that provides these lessons learned.

A sign

I had a great  conversation with a close friend yesterday.  I felt like I was in a funk.  Like this dark cloud was over me.  I was getting anxious all the time.  It was very unsettling.  Our great chat brought me possibly closer to an answer.  At least I may have found out the problem. And that's half the battle. How cliche. But so true.  I have lost my mojo.  I have lost that confidence I usually have.  And my usual ways to bring back the magic wasn't working.  And that was making it more unsettling. Hence, the anxiety ensues.  This talked really helped.  And this morning the hug that is magical...well...it was magical again.  I slept decent.  I didn't wake up anxious.  And then there it was...the dime.  It was the sign I didn't know I needed to see.  For those that don't know I was extremely close to my maternal grandma.  I actually held her hand while she passed away.  Before she passed she told me she would still say hi to me...just to make sure I was ok.  And that sign would be one single dime.  Seeing a dime (and the timing of it sometimes!) does something for me.  You don't have to believe.  This is one little thing that I don't sway from.  I believe she is still somewhere where she can see me and see my pain or struggle.  And that dime is a way to "calm, check, or simply say hi".  So here's to getting my mojo back.   I hope this journey shows me what and how to react when it isn't there.  Perhaps that is the lesson to be learned here.

Not having all the answers

Oh how I so don't have all the answers.  Anyone who thinks I do hasn't seen..well this.  This mess I am letting out right now.  It's almost amusing if it wasn't me feeling this.  I mean..really I would be saying "First World problems".  Actually, I think I will say that to myself.  My only consolation is that it means something to me so hey...Sleep eludes me sometimes.  I wake up and I feel like I haven't slept that much.  I almost made it not waking up at all.  I had a day where I didn't feel it and bam...it was back.  Is it a cloud? Is this what depression looks like? I'm confused if it is because I really don't have anything to be depressed about.  It seems more like anxiety.  It just explodes inside.  And then the 100 thoughts a minute happens.  And it becomes all too much for me.  Especially because right now all I want to focus is the test.  And then there's that.  When I walk away from it I still think about the answers...So am I really resting my brain.  And then I ponder things.  Like have I turned into this so called "negative nancy?" Or is it more Eyore(depressed donkey)? Again...I don't know what the hell this is.  It started small and just sort of grew....like a fungus.  It's exploded on me and I don't really sure how to stop or what to do with it.  Maybe this is just f*cked up version of a chemical imbalance.  I'm crazy, aren't I? I mean...usually it's the good kind.  But this is what crazy feels like..doesn't it?

Working on it

Ok. So...I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for this test. It's just a test. I'm taking simulation tests. I haven't gotten past a 74. I'm frustrated.  I am working on fighting mentally and focusing.  I'm doing that because last time I had the deer and headlights feel. I'm really fighting it. Because it is easy enough to get sucked in. So...here I am... working on it

If it works for you, it might not work for me

I had a a couple of great conversations regarding this topic.  We all have a different way of conducting ourselves.  Why is that we impose our beliefs, values, thought process, mindsets on each other.  What possesses us to "thrust" our way of life onto others.  I like different opinions.  In fact, I think it's enlightening to have people expose me to different perspectives.  I think differently. I have a hard time even putting a label on what type of person I am.  Liberal seems to to be the only accurate description.  But even liberal seems to have negative connotation.  I just try to see at what's fair and balanced.  My religion or spiritual pathway is my business.  My body is my own.  My marriage is between my husband and I.  My parenting skills is between 3 other people.  These are just examples I can think of where opposition on how I think might come up.  I don't apologize for it.  I don't want to seem confrontational about it.  I just want to be myself.  People will always oppose.  That's not a new.  I wish it was more harmonious of the approach but that's not reality.  At least I still have a good grip on reality on know that isn't something to expect.  These conversations included not pressuring one another on how one thinks.  The other was communicating that thought in an approach that was less hostile.  That hostility can grow into some negative energy.  And it isn't healthy for that energy to stay.  But you could say...it works for you...it doesn't work for me.  And I can respect that.  I just won't seek your presence.

Productive and non productive

I took simulation tests.  Then I was happily called away to distract myself.  Interestingly enough,   it was still MBLEX related.  So even my down time was productive.  Go me!

The way my brain is wired

I am fascinated about how people are wired.  I know from my own experience that I am wired differently. I learn differently. I process information differently.  My problem solving skills seem to be "out of the box". But then I find myself at a standstill.  My brain gets to a point that I need to give it a break.  And yet sometimes I really don't want to do that.  It becomes very conflicted.  Sometimes it's entertaining to listen to myself talk and figure out the next move.  Because on one hand the very responsible and driven side of me wants to keep going.  It will keep going until I perhaps, would collapse.  The more realistic and even carefree side to me thinks it needs breaks in order to " nurture" the entire part of me including the driven side.  Maybe that is why I gravitate towards intelligence.  I want to be a sponge.  I want to keep learning.  I am not quite sure what made me a saposexual.  I am stimulated by intelligent coversation. However, there isn't a transference.  I don't become aroused or stimulated by the person...just the conversation. Unless it's Jeremy.  Then that's a whole different beast.  I could listen to that man for hours.  I am fascinated by his brain.  It's a very interesting attraction.  One I am still trying to figure out

The power of positivity

So the last couple of days have had me in a funk.  I think I needed to straighten out and clear my head.  The lack of sleep probably didn't help my mood.  But it is important to stay positive.  It's not as easy as it sounds.  There is work to staying positive.  Honestly, it's easy to allow yourself to be swallowed by all the negativity around you.  However, I'm crazy and stubborn and I refuse to give up.  And so I stay positive.  I have to allow myself moments that I am not super human.  I too will have my self-doubt moments. I too will have allow the negativity to group in.  I just need to remind myself to not be overwhelmed by it and get "devoured" by the idea of it.  Sometimes I am my worst critic.  I create a feedfest for my own demons, if that makes sense.  They are there.  But I manage them.  And then something triggers or happens and I I have to confront.  And I have a choice at that moment on which direction I want to go.  I often pick correctly, thank goodness.  I guess the last couple of days I wasn't picking correctly.  To tell you the truth I felt out of alignment, so to speak.  Something just didn't feel right.  I was lucky enough to have a handful of conversations that kept me afloat.  I love conversations like that.  They sustain or even sometimes "throw a life raft" towards me.  I love blogging now.  I find such peace in it.  I let my feelings out. It's almost as if I let it go into the void and by doing that I release the negative energy.  It's a rather strange process and reasoning. But it makes sense to me.  And really...that's what matters regarding my positive attitude.  I also myself by surrounding myself with music that just calms.  I go to a place. I can't even describe. I just go to a place and clear my mind when I hear calming music.  Like right now.  It just puts things back in its proper place? The world is right again.

Something about sleep

I can't keep my eyes open. When my thoughts can't shut down I'm grateful that I can sleep it off. My condition goes through phases. Like bad sleep cycle phases. I'm going to allow myself tgat nothing might happen today. I don't feel so good.

The art of blogging

The art of blogging is wonderful.  I like writing down my thoughts.  It's nice when it's a feeling of content and writing down is a nice way of being grateful.  However, when I feel a sense of anxiety...like I do right now it's nice to find myself a coping mechanism or a tool to get myself back together.  My anxiety has popped more often these days because of the re registration.  I know what to expect in certain aspects.  But really..it's like starting all over for me.  Sometimes even the simulation tests get me nervous.  I wish I could figure out a way to calm myself down.  Eventually, I talk myself down and remind myself of my skills and what I have achieved.  I allow myself to feel scared but I can't stay there.  I bring my self confidence back up.  I just wish I didn't have to go there at all.  I am not comfortable praying about things like a test.  I don't mind praying about strength.  Blogging helps to clear my mind of things.  I had to make a stopping point.  I think it was all getting overwhelming. And imagine. This is just the simulation.  Where is this coming from? I mean I know that this is overwhelming in general. But where is this fear coming from? Fear of failure. Do I not have confidence in myself.  I really don't know.  That is where the art of blogging helps. I can express my fears and write them down. And perhaps to address the issue.

Lost in thoughts

I'm lost in my thoughts.  It's like any other day. I'm studying.  I'm spending time with friends.  I got to squeeze in some Leticia time. But my thoughts come with questions with no answers.  I can't make sense of something that doesn't make sense. I'm lost in my thoughts

Poetry in motion

Is it possible to have love at first sight.  Lust, sure. Even Jeremy and I didn't experience that. And does it last? What is it that justifies Love at first sight. I'm a romantic.  But maybe I'm realistic.  I don't know. Greeting card fun lol. The things that I see and start talking about

The journey I'm on

If I never write a book it helps that this blog documents and accounts for the journey I am on.  This journey I have been on has been quite a ride.  Like any good story the protagonist finds themselves in the middle of some journey or thing to overcome.  19 always seems to be that turning point.  It was interesting that I heard a clip about Post Traumatic Stress.  It got me thinking about how yes, I had Epilepsy when I was younger but I had a different kind.  Partial-Complex Seizures often manifest from a traumatic event.  I suppose understanding better my "triggers" and what connections my psyche plays on the rest of my body.  I didn't think stress played a huge part since I've been quite stressful situations.  But I look back and think about it all.  This journey that I walk is not an easy one.  I don't want to pat myself on the back.  I don't want to complain.  I just want to share that it is a struggle at times.  Maybe that's why I like blogging. It's a way of documenting my journey.  It's a diary of sorts.  I share my feelings.  I share my thoughts.  I share my fears and joys.  I try not to hold back.  Whether one looks at this or more I am happy.  I'm sharing my world.  Which is an interesting aspect to me.  Very few get to see the genuine person that I am.  I actually have a timid side to things. That surprises and shocks people for the flamboyant persona I have.  It's not a facade.  But through my post traumatic stress I created different sides to me to cope.  And who you see is that no holds barred part of me.  She's fearless.  I envy her at times.  I don't know how I can be that fearless.  And yet that sounds strange because it is me.  And then there is that other side to me.  The deep,intellectual with the twisted sense of humor.  I've let her come out more often.  That's been Jess all along. I've just been afraid to show her.  And then Squirly.  The idealistic hopelessly optimistic person that refuses to give up on the world.  It can be quite a fight to figure out my feelings.  Coping mechanisms helped me to function.  But now being older I can let my manifestations just be authentic me.  I don't need to apologize for who I am anymore.  And that is such a freedom I can't even begin to explain how incredible that feels.  I don't know where this blog entry was supposed to go. But then again..this is the journey I'm on

It gets you thinking

It got me thinking...suicide.  While Robin Williams may be a celebrity it hits home because many view him as an icon.  Bigger than life.  So imagine learning how torn he was inside.  All the questions you want to ask...but may never get answers.  Because of my recent loss regarding a friend who committed suicide it brought back things.  Again...questions that really can't be answered.  Inner demons can get the best of you.  I haven't had that dark of a cloud since I was 10 years old.  I had a blip of something when I was 22 but I was mature enough to recognize I needed to remove myself out of the situation for having such a dark thought.  No...10 years old those dark clouds were there.  And while I survived my dark cloud I hadn't really dealt with those demons.  It would take years to deal with them.  Thanks to the love and support of Jeremy I learned to move past the demons.  I am a positive person. I like to surround myself and be the positive energy that people need.  So it means working on my inner demons on a daily basis.  Most of the time they know how to behave.  "Triggers" that I don't know that exist are what get me in trouble. "Triggers" that I do know exist help me to control them.  Something like rape...geez I finally wrote the word somewhere.  Back to my point. Something like rape can change your world.  Your view about, trust, psyche..just a lot of mental and emotional damage.  You become a prisoner of your own emotions sometimes.  But that's what I have learned. It doesn't define me.  Bad things don't define whom I am as a person.  I have a strong threshold.  So suicide wasn't an option.  But I get the helplessness that depression can bring.  That dark cloud gets a hold of you.  People can have an opinion about suicide..it's a choice...they are selfish.  You don't know the person. you don't know the story.  I loved a saying one of my dear friends, Heidi, said. It's not bad or good.  It's just different.  And different is good.  Different is what we need.  Different is...beautiful.  Different is grey.  My world is different.  My epilepsy puts a different spin on how I live my life.  So I put a different spin on my life.

Happiness is

Where do we start?

Happiness is spending time with my friends...even if it's grocery shopping
Happiness is coffee and catching up with friends
Happiness is seeing Facebook light up with notifications
Happiness is having my husband as my best friend
Happiness is having real friends to count on
Happiness is having a kickass support system
Happiness is having so many people believe in my journey
Happiness is dancing like I really don't care lol
Happiness is laughter
Happiness is good comfort food
Happiness is great s*x
Happiness is being a kind person
Happiness is movies that make me cry (Yes...you read right)
Happiness is music that moves me
Happiness is conversations that are meaningful, whether intellectual or spiritual.
Happiness is the simple things that make me smile.
Happiness is my life.
I am so grateful of my life. I am happy.  I will never get tired of being grateful about my life.
Any problems that come my way I may have a moment that I stumble but I gain perspective and remember
my happiness.

And this is just off the top of my head

A safe place

I'd like to think that my friends and sometimes even strangers know that when they are with me they are in a safe place.  I do my best not to judge. I'm human.  I am not going to lie and not tell you I haven't had a judge or two about a person or situation. So today, I am recovering from the situation from yesterday. I can't hide or run away from life.  So stressful situations will happen.  I realize that.  However, over time I have purposely stayed away from certain people because of the amount of negative energy they bring.  It's hard when it's practically in your backyard.  At least with my other situations I can have an out of sight out of mind idea about it.  What is interesting that people who don't see their destructive and negative way is how they affect people.  I recently had a friend that I didn't realize just had a cloud of negative.  And it wasn't just a pity thing. It was anger. It was judgement.  I got to wondering what my friendship really meant. Especially because I was putting my physical and mental health and all I got was criticism.  By no means do I think I am perfect.  But I do think I put myself out there to support those I care about.  And I felt used.  And I don't like feeling like that.  I also have to be careful because my mental state often affects my physical state.  I don't have giant episodes like I used to.  I have what I call mishaps...and episodes.  I wish it wasn't so closely related by somehow my stress level is tied to any triggers.  I've been trying to deny it but I can't anymore.  I don't know many of my seizure triggers. But I do know I don't do well when I am stressed regarding toxic people.  Having a test or being in school is my own stress and I have figured out how to deal.  And that's my problem.  But when it's not my circus not my monkey sort of situation...I just can't work with it.  And I really don't want to confront or fight.  In terms of a fight or flight situation....I am now of the school of though of flight.  And I'm okay with that.  I guess because of my situations I have gotten myself into in the past I want a person to feel safe.  I want them to feel supported and loved.  Their happiness is genuinely my happiness.  I have moments of envy...perhaps even a little jealous.And that's usually for acquaintances.     Again, I am human.  And I work with that and move on.  So today...just know...if there is no safe place to go...there is.   There is me.  I am a safe place.

Doing the right thing

I was in a situation today where doing the right thing might not make all parties happy.  If safety is involved...if the person is still technically a child...and if the thing is to do the right thing...please do it.  A situation arose where someone was "thrown out".  It wasn't my problem. But I'm a mom.  You can't do that.  I'm sorry.  You take appropriate measures to make sure things are done right.  I did the right thing.  I am glad I did the right thing.  You always worry "meddling" is not good. You always worry about getting into other people's business.  The person in question getting the help handled themselves very well.  They even went to work..trekking on. They were trying to be as adult about the situation as they could be.  I was happy I got to witness that.

Having my back

It's important to feel that. I want to be that for you. I want you to know that I'm there for you. But you gotta be in my corner. And I'm loving the support I feel. I will never get tired of telling you how extraordinary you are. I will never get tired of being grateful and saying thank you. Thank you for having my back.

Learning about oneself

Ah. That learning process is a lifetime journey.  I enjoy the process though.  I love having conversations with friends that inspire me.  Or change me in some way.  I love talking with Jeremy about different topics.  I always want to be improving and learning.  In my case, I think of the journey thus far I have embarked on.  It's been quite an adventure.  I don't know if I truly allowed myself to understand what I have accomplished.  Indeed, I do have my moments of self-doubt.  I'm human. It happens.  However, this is when it's important to have a strong support system.  Having the right kind of people around you is important. I didn't realize how much an impact a negative person had on my life until I removed them.  And I'm grateful I did.  I had to think of my emotional well being.  I like people who have a genuine interest in my well being.  As I will have for them.  I want to know I have a mutually beneficial friendship.  Because I have my moments of self-doubt I would hope I have a person or persons who see the best in me...even when I'm not there yet. I am my own worst enemy at times.  I am working on that.  I don't always give myself enough credit.  I do know how to exude confidence.  I guess when it comes to confidence I am harder on myself than I should be.  Again...it's a process. A life time journey.

Impact

I hope that my presence in your life makes a positive impact.  When I spend time with you I like making you smile. I hope that I somehow contribute to your journey pursuing happiness.  I've been blessed to have different people in my life.  Although, there have been some that weren't such a blessing I am grateful that I learned a lesson on what it means to be a true friend and to receive a true friend.  The abundance of love is overwhelming.  I have extraordinary people in my life.  I don't get tired of saying that.  And then there is him.  It's hard to explain what gift I have being married to Jeremy.  Sometimes I find myself watching romantic movies and wondering...do they know that type of love? And then I found out...I don't have a fairy tale or some romantic movie.  I have as one of my friends put it...  "camaraderie".  I have a partnership.  She could relate to that pairing.  And I understood the impact of that word.  Whether it's through a parent, child, spouse..etc. I hope you have "your person".  I hope you have a person...or people that unconditionally you have this connection.  Love is a wonder.  It's powerful.  It's often misunderstood.  We sometimes are afraid of the form it comes in.  After all, sometimes it doesn't fit what the overall world views as love.  But what do we know of love...until we experience that encompassing feeling of the entire world around stopping. That there is this energy between you and a person you have this unstoppable and  impenetrable surge..of just knowing...just understanding.  It's like a language only you know and you can hear.  I hope you find it.  I know you know it.  I hope it changes you. I hope I change you.  Because I feel this...I feel stronger in the world.  And I hope I impact you.

The choice is mine

For me...this day is always a doozy.  It is a painful day.  The psychological effects of it still stay.  However, the choice is mine on how I react to it.  I can wither away and let this day get the best of me.  Or I can turn this day into an adventure.  That way...when I look back I remember all the things I took risks on. Or did for the first time.  Instead, it will make me smile because I took chances.  The tradition is to at least have one thing I did different or new.  This year I went to a place called Jacob's well and it was amazing.  I don't remember the last time I went to a friend and "escaped".  And that's exactly what I did.  I am proud of the person I am...and still becoming. I have so much to still learn.  I fall.  I make mistakes. Do I ever! However, I do my best to learn from them.  Lessons learned, I say.  Today...as Jeremy was leaving he melted my heart. I asked if he knew what today was...and he said...it's your day of trying new adventures and taking chances.  1) He was listening!!! 2) He turned a negative into a positive! That's exactly what today is....turning a negative into a positive.  It's not easy.  But you do your best to see the positive out of each situation.  I met Jeremy because of this negative. And that would make me do it all over again. Pain....and all.  The choice is mine.