It gets you thinking

It got me thinking...suicide.  While Robin Williams may be a celebrity it hits home because many view him as an icon.  Bigger than life.  So imagine learning how torn he was inside.  All the questions you want to ask...but may never get answers.  Because of my recent loss regarding a friend who committed suicide it brought back things.  Again...questions that really can't be answered.  Inner demons can get the best of you.  I haven't had that dark of a cloud since I was 10 years old.  I had a blip of something when I was 22 but I was mature enough to recognize I needed to remove myself out of the situation for having such a dark thought.  No...10 years old those dark clouds were there.  And while I survived my dark cloud I hadn't really dealt with those demons.  It would take years to deal with them.  Thanks to the love and support of Jeremy I learned to move past the demons.  I am a positive person. I like to surround myself and be the positive energy that people need.  So it means working on my inner demons on a daily basis.  Most of the time they know how to behave.  "Triggers" that I don't know that exist are what get me in trouble. "Triggers" that I do know exist help me to control them.  Something like rape...geez I finally wrote the word somewhere.  Back to my point. Something like rape can change your world.  Your view about, trust, psyche..just a lot of mental and emotional damage.  You become a prisoner of your own emotions sometimes.  But that's what I have learned. It doesn't define me.  Bad things don't define whom I am as a person.  I have a strong threshold.  So suicide wasn't an option.  But I get the helplessness that depression can bring.  That dark cloud gets a hold of you.  People can have an opinion about suicide..it's a choice...they are selfish.  You don't know the person. you don't know the story.  I loved a saying one of my dear friends, Heidi, said. It's not bad or good.  It's just different.  And different is good.  Different is what we need.  Different is...beautiful.  Different is grey.  My world is different.  My epilepsy puts a different spin on how I live my life.  So I put a different spin on my life.