Missing the point

Have you wondered if your life could be made of movies? At least I have.  My child was good, mostly.  I figure my life had its struggles but someone always had it much more difficult that I didn't see the need to complain too much.  My teenage years had more strife but that was much derived from the controlling relationship I had with Javier.  Looking back I hadn't realize how much he manipulated things.  I don't necessarily blame him.  He didn't exactly have parents to teach him those things.  His grandparents attempted to but I don't think he felt he fit in anywhere...until my family.  And he coped by destroying.  It's an odd assessment but that's why I'm not always angry of what he did to me.  I pity him.  That incident, however, was a catalyst for much of my poor decision making.  I didn't know how to cope with rape.  I kept denying that it was even that.  I faulted myself for putting myself in a situation.  I internalized it to a point that I no longer blamed Javier for anything but myself.  My worth was that.  That someone could have the right to do that.  I don't think I would want my life in a movie.  I think people would be missing the point.  They would look for dramatic sequence.  They would look for something that wasn't true.  I don't regret anything.  Even that point in time.  It all led up to today.  Today is extraordinary.  I may not have the profession I sought to obtain validation.  These days I'm learning my legacy isn't about that.  I give something no degree can give me. No validation or person, really can give me.  I give it to myself.  That's a new concept for me.  I've always known and recognized it but I didn't actually put it into application of me.  Sometimes I have this dream of writing a book.  The concept of it is rising from the ashes of my own demons.  I survived.  Not only that, I strive.  I am living proof there is something after pain.  Jeremy is part of that Jeremy.  So it starts with certain things with Javier.  and ends with a scene with Jeremy on a cruise.  Yeah. I don't have the middle.  Maybe that's why there isn't a book out yet.  It's a nice idea in my head.  So maybe that's why it stays with me.  Maybe I think they would be missing the point of what this all means.  That my life has a lesson to be learned.  I hope so will my death one day.