Conditioning

It's something I have to work with.  I don't like the idea of conditioning. But it happens so often.  My first priority is Jeremy.  It's a condition of  being a good wife.  I always want my husband to feel loved and appreciated.  But then there is family.  And I don't mean my biological one.  I mean the people I hold close to my heart like I do my life.  That when they hurt, I hurt.  I hurt for the others not in the "family" circle but honestly, I can't feel their pain and for reasons known and unknown not where they want me either.  You have to want me there.  By accepting who I am.  And not judging me.  I digress.  So this conditioning comes from experiences in my past.  Some maybe even from my first marriage.  My family means everything to me.  And if for some reason they don't know how much I hurt for them...then here I am voicing out.  But I can only do so much.  I've been conditioned not to step out of my boundaries.  I've been conditioned that it is not right to "meddle".  I'm stubborn.  So sometimes I go by the rules. And sometimes I don't.  I never know which way to turn.  It can be exhausting to figure out when to play by the rules and when not to.  Because everyone is different.  Certain things bother Jeremy while others find it appreciative.  I gauge where people are comfortable on me loving them.  I'm a bowl full of love.  It's what I am conditioned to do. Love unconditionally.  Even when I get rejected.  The workings in my mind sometimes.  I don't show how frail I really am.  I have to be a tough cookie.  I need to be here for everyone else.  It seems to be my role in the world.  This came out as a prose of sorts. I don't know if I feel this to this extreme extent.  But I felt like today's blog should be raw.  It should be unedited.  It should just be unfiltered on where my heart can speak of sometimes.  Because sometimes you need more than words to show someone or someones they are the most important people in your life.