The Voice

What is the voice that tells you how you matter? It's an interesting topic that has come up a few times.  I'm still trying to figure where the negative voice comes from.  I default to Javier because it seems like it was more prominent there. But I imagine there is more to the story.  When you hear it over and over again, whether positive or negative,,,you start to believe it.  I watch my friends in awe.  These amazing people that while they  are my friends, they are much more than that.  They are my family.    And for the life of me I allow my negative side to question why my insight would even matter? And then my logical side takes over and reminds me that I have much to contribute.  But even I had to receive positive reinforcement.  I had to be told what an amazing person I am.  Most days I believe it.  There are still some days I question it.  Today is not one of those days.  Today, as I wrote my affirmations to my loved ones I smiled.  I smiled because I recognize that I make a difference on how they feel.  That my words matter.  That I matter.  Jeremy and I sometimes have this awkward dance that we do when we have emotional mishaps.  He sees things in black and white.  And I respect that.  But I see things more in grey.  And for that we clash at times on schools of thought.  He is a very intellectual man so in the past I have gone on default mode and assumed he was right.  Now, while I do respect his opinion and many times it does have a chance to be right, I really do look at the fact...I am not wrong.  2=2=5 because there are variables that I see that are hard to show up on evidence.  Or it's hard to show your work.  I get it.  But sometimes I don't always need an answer, to really know the question.  It's hard to explain where my brain goes.  If feelings had an equation my psyche might understand how to answer that.  Nonetheless, I wake up each day with a new purpose.  And my purpose is to be an emotional cheerleader.  Sometimes I need to back off because my empathic side might need an energy recharge.  Emotions can be so raw and exhausting.  But I am an emotional cheerleader.  I provide a loving home for my husband.  So that he feels like the King.  Because he is my King.  But after that, I'm a sister, a mother, a friend, an other, a daughter, an aunt.  I'm a teacher. I'm a therapist. I'm a poet.   I'm many things.  So that voice, that inner demon that wants to come out sometimes.  Well, today...you can go fuck yourself.  Because the angelic sound of my encouragement is reigning upon the negativity that resides sometimes within ourselves.  And if I am going to be here for my loved ones, I better have my shit together...so to speak. lol