The dream of wholeness

That is a surreal dream.  But as I have replayed the events of this weekend I got to thinking that might be an attainable dream now.  I had anchors and unconditional acceptance and love from Jeremy and them.  And yet, there was this sense that I was alone at times.  That voice is strong with negative emotions.  It was getting better because the voices were changing.  Jeremy and another friend help occupy that voice now.  But HIS voice invades my thoughts.  And here was this beautiful soul that I was looking at. Now talking to and the similar story..from the similar monstrosity helped to confirm so many things that helped me to capture this want of wholeness.  This idea of actively taking steps to have this wholeness.  It's a new dream for me.  I have much healing to do.  So does she.  But this is a surreal dream.  It's like some strange movie. But it's my life.  Tune in for more adventures? lol I'm intrigued on where this road will take me.  On the roads that I am embarking on, in general.  I embrace this chapter.  I embrace what I will feel.  I will embrace the emotions that come along with it, the good and bad.  The roller coaster ride that is my life.  I guess it really is never a dull moment with me. lol I am slowly but surely seeing the contribution I bring to this world.  I'm fucking amazing actually.  I just don't always give myself credit that I am.  That's not an overnight change.  I've spent the last 20 years blaming myself emotionally for feeling this bad.  That somehow, me being different, thinking differently is why this happened to me.  I colored outside the lines.  This is what happens when someone does.  It's f*cked up. I know.  I can recognize that.  But that's the kind of mind games I endured.  I am just now revealing to people the kind of things said to me. Why the word stupid triggers me.  I can handle dumb or idiot all day long.  I can be feisty with those words all day.  But stupid stops me in my tracks.  It's like I freeze.  Positive reinforcement is important to me.  It helps to create a new mindset.  I try to work on that.  And I also try to help others see that about themselves.  So let's see how the dream of wholeness will unfold.