Well...

Well...Where do I start? I realized with the last couple of days friends needing me I needed to recharge.  Regroup so to speak.  What I didn't realize is how much I needed to.  For two reasons, actually.  One is adjusting to a new normal.  It's a necessary new normal.  Too many complications make for a bumpy roller coaster ride.  It doesn't mean I don't mourn it somehow, in my own way.  Probably because I may never really get answers to questions I haven't even figured out myself yet.  And the other is having a flashback last night.  With Jeremy's studying for this important test I want to be able to help him relieve stress or just be there for him.  It was Thursday night and in a cute way it is a thing he looks forward to because he gets so involved with the studying.  But last night triggered something.  Not nearly as bad as last time.  Last time sent me to counseling.  Something I should have done long before that.  But crying on the bathroom floor does make me wonder what was happening to me.  I was already vulnerable to dealing with the new normal.  90% of me is good.  It's that 10% that's getting me in trouble.  And something happened the other day to make me lose my footing.  I was keeping things in a neat little box.  I had a system.  And boom.  And I feel like I have to start over to create this box.  Then, the flashback.  It was more of an emotional memory.  I can't remember details.  I just remember having this feeling of "serving" to survive? Luckily, I have anchors.  Some know the full extent of why I felt like I was having an emotional breakdown.  Some knew part of the story.  Either way, the anchors help to keep me afloat and not fall into the black hole.  My rabbit holes make it easier for the "that voice" to come out.  I'm still trying to figure whose voice it is.  I guess I will always assume it is Javier.   I'm glad I am not of the school of thought of self harm.  But I can see how people get there.  I see the psychology of it...if that makes sense.  So here I am. Vulnerable.  Jeremy couldn't understand why I write this blog and tell intimate details of my thought.  I always saw it as a way of to help someone.  My thoughts are not unique here.  I'm sure many people have felt this. It's just not something we talk about.  Mental health is just not a topic we discuss in society.  It would help to remove the stigma.  Because I do feel alone in this right now.  And I shouldn't.  I have people who are willing to listen.  Willing to be there for me.  As morbid as this sounds, I recognize I will be missed dearly when I die.  I am loved.  That is not even a question.  But these negative thoughts rage on.  They get the best of me sometimes.  Which is why sometimes I need to block the world out and listen to music.  Although, today did have the Oh Geez..these songs are speaking to me.  Especially a certain band I hadn't even known existed until recently.  Then the positive takes a shot and my intellectual side reminds me, this too shall pass.  I refer to as detoxing.  The emotion, in and of itself,  is not a bad one. But my handling of it has been.  I've learned that I need a manual.  I need structure of things.  I sometimes grumble that Jeremy is so emotionally closed off at times.  Then, I thank him for it because it helps me to have thicker skin and force myself to push things off.  It's actually a good system.  It sounds bad. I know.  But having an emotionally unavailable man in my case can be a good thing.  The good part is that Jeremy does have his moments where he lets go.  And those are moments I cherish.  And that man loves me immensely.  So writing this is therapeutic.  I will probably cry more today. I already have.  I mourn something that might have mostly been in my head.  I mourn an unknown.  Or not. I don't know anymore.  The good part out of all that messiness is something so substantial it's worth all this painful process.  It's the most important part of why I have to detox.  So there you have it...the thoughts in my head right now.  I feel a little mental right now.  But there is a light at the end of this tunnel.  And that tunnel is what I am holding on for dear life.  When something is worth it, you just get through the process.