Stream of thought

I had an inspiration for a blog entry.  And then I didn't feel like writing it.  I don't feel like writing, period.  No poetry.  No story.  No blog.  Maybe, I figure I will go through the motions of certain things.  It's what I do.  If I were looking at me, I wouldn't think this is the healthiest way to handle it.  But I have learned something about coping.  I am not in your shoes.  And you're not in mine.  Any decisions you make, while I may not understand them or agree...or what you will feel the rewards or consequences.  According to Google, I am depressed.  I'm trying to figure that one out.  Is it chemical? Is it outside variables? And if I choose to be happy, does that still make me sad? I'm a badass.  But I am not an overt one.  I'm like a stuntperson.  You see the performance but you don't see the behind the scenes.  In fact, maybe I make sure that some of my best things won't be noticed.  Maybe that's weird.  After all, I've been accused of an attention seeker.  In fact, sometimes the worse insults have come from the most unlikely places.  The only thing I know...is what I know of me...,at least on most day.  Today, all I know is that I am Jess.  I love making people smile and laugh.  I'm compassionate.  I'm silly.  I love laughter.  I love music.  I love dancing.  Maybe my version of shutting down is just letting people get the shell, the surface of me.  Not the core.  And for most, that might just be enough.  And here is another thing...what if life goes chaotic because of thoughts colliding at different paces.  My stream of thought, today