It's all in our head

Sometimes our worst enemy is us.  Our mind plays tricks on us.  That's why sometimes we rely on others for voice of reason.  I know I do.  I have thoughts right now.  I don't know if they are true.  I have questions I don't think are getting answered truthfully.  But is it .."all in my head".  I've heard those words before. Or that I am assuming things.  I've heard that one too.  How about ....you don' know what you're talking about.  or the best one of all....someone else puts words in my mouth.   And the worst part wasn't that it was "all in my head".  It was that I was right...but it didn't pay to be right.  My worst enemy is me.  I fight daily this inner demon of doubt.  What's hard for anyone to understand about rape is that long after what's happened physically.  It's the psychological.  We move on.  You move on.  I'm still trying to catch up.  I play two roles.  I play the adult you've expected me to be.  I play the warrior person who is so strong.  But then, the fraud of the person that I still encompass spills out.  And days when I am questioning my every move...that's when I see the broken, beaten down version of me.  Do you know how hard it is to fight back, even myself?  I admire how any survivor, survives.  I know too many survivors of abuse for my own good.  And frankly, even when they are wrong how they cope...they key is they coped.  You stand in our shoes.  You stand where we have had a man take control away from us, simply because he thinks it's his right.  Society has already let us know how we don't amount to the same thing as a man.  It's almost understandable in some perverse twisted disturbing way that a man would see us less than equal.  So yes, I am my worst enemy because I have power over my own confidence.  And sometimes I crush my own confidence.  But let me be the one to do that  I will not have any man have that much power over me.  I have to learn the confidence I sometimes have.  When I am on my A game, I am such badass.  But sometimes it's okay to just be me, warts and all.