Getting my head back together

Yesterday was surreal.  I feel like I am just getting my head back together.  I was such a bold person.  And yet, I did it in a fabulous and fierce way.  I just seemed fearless.  It was making CC smile, and giggle with all of her anxiety going on because she felt her mom present.  Honestly, I kept thinking..."Where am I getting the balls to act like this?!" Because really, I was shaking inside.  Javier is just one person.  But that manipulative bastard knows how to play people.  He looks so clean cut.  And if we don't watch it, in the past...we've looked like bulls in china shops.  It may not feel like she won.  But in so many ways, she won battles.  They just weren't all in the courtroom.  It is frustrating to watch your friend having to prove herself.  But the best thing I can be for her, is her strength.  She can do this because of me.  She has told me so.  And I can stand up and be a beacon of something...hope for her? At the very least, I provide a very stark reminder to Javier that he can't beat people down.    If looks could kill when he realized whom he was opening the door to.  I kept my voice steady.  I didn't want to react.  I simply said thank you.  And looked him in the eyes.  Direct contact.  Talk about brazen and bold.  I had to pass him again when I threw away my trash from the coffee the judge offered.  He still has his telltale signs of being under stress.  I can't even tell you what it means that I can do this for her.  And the cathartic feeling it's giving me to stand up to him, in my crazy Jess way.  It did drain me yesterday.  I started shaking earlier when I had lunch with one of my best friends.  Speaking of best friends....I was supported.  Two of them were constantly texting me.  And one I was with.  And after work, Jeremy and I went to dinner and I got a drink.  I needed one badly.  He's my rock.  I told him this morning I felt very supported by him.  That made him happy.  So...this year, I definitely did a face your fear challenge, like no other.Even Now from 2002 is playing.  It sounds a little like If God was one of us.  I digress.  The only sad part to all of it was my memories thing from facebook.  Two years ago I was at a play on that day.  I can't lie.  I feel the pain of certain friendships gone.  Intellectually, I accept what unfolded.  And in some strange way, I don't regret things happening. The good, the bad, and the oh shit....wtf.   Life happened.  One makes decisions.  Sometimes they are good.  Sometimes they are bad.  You live with your decisions. But it doesn't stop me from sighing...from loss. I guess knowing that distinction of what intellectually I know, and emotionally I know helps to deal with the pain and loss.    Some people are not meant to stay.  And that's okay.