Today is another opportunity

Today is another opportunity to tell you how valued you are.  Whomever reads this.  You bring purpose to this world.  Life, society...and people along the way will tell you things that seem to contradict this idea.  It's like how we as kids believe in magic.  But as adults that belief fades away.  Our belief in ourselves starts fading.  We believe we aren't valued.  So Monday through Friday...I will somehow bring a sparkle to your day by just writing to you.  My thoughts.  My fears...Whatever is on my mind.  I don't claim to know anything more than the next person.  I started this to be consistent.  And then I started this as a thought bubble or emotions journal of sorts? However this blog matriculated into...I am glad.  Because today is another opportunity to tell you...you matter.

Teamwork

Jeremy and I are a team.  So today, when he came back home...happy to have passed his test.  I felt a sense of accomplishment as well.  We are a team.  And at time time I took my test, and failed I didn't understand perhaps there was more to a story.  Perhaps if I was too much invested with my own career I wouldn't be able to help Jeremy in the little ways that I do.  He recognizes my support.  I don't expect someone to understand this.  People are different on how they do many things. Marriages. Careers. Reactions. Feelings...You name.  We all have different perspectives.  For me, however.  I am such a vocal and outspoken woman that you don't expect a sense of submission from me.  Yet, I readily do that for my husband. Hes's earned it.  He's earned it because the relationship we have invested in each other.  Our marriage is an investment.  That sounds so unromantic.  But it also helps on the intellectual side of what we do.  Yes. We are in love with each other.  But being in love with someone doesn't negate a healthy relationship.  It's compromise.  It's putting the work in.  It's effort.  It's support.  It's sometimes putting the needs of others before your own, knowing that they would do the same for you.  It's meaning what you say.  It's being truthful, nah...even candid with each other on many subjects.  It's being authentic.  We don't have the secret to success on a marriage.  We still figure this out day by day.  But each day is another opportunity to show each other how valuable we are to each other. Every day is an opportunity to grow together as a couple....and as best friends.  Teamwork, laughter, candor, and consistency might be the only things I can tell you that I have learned on my journey that makes a marriage work.  At least my marriage.  See what makes your relationships...and friendships work.  Walk in sparkle and shine, my quiet spaces.

Disconnect

A conversation about disconnect prompted me to think when I have. The biggest reason was something about not being true to oneself. Or a debate about whether my intentions were true. I thought about the disconnecting.  Often, if there is a fught trust stopped.  My perspective was about a truth not coming out. However, Ive simply disconnected from people because we no longer speak. I do understand having a closeness with someone means you don't have to see them daily or even weekly. For me, though....I need to continue my connection.  The reason. In my experience,  sometimes the connection evolves. Sometimes,  it changes.  It's like verifying if we're still on the same page on our thoughts and values. Perhaps that's wrong. But it's why I like clarification.  It's why I like plans. No lost in translation later ehere I'm searching for the right answer. But didn't know I was asking the wrong question. Disconnect makes me ask questions because I want to know why we stopped connecting.

Just because

Sometimes we do things to make easier for ourselves.  Sometimes for others. Neither has to bad or goof. With the right intentions,  both can make the world eork easier and flow better. I qas thinking of that today. ..just because

Overwhelmed

I can't even express how I feel with the beautiful well wishes and gestures. I feel so loved and appreciated..it's insane. Thank you. I'm overwhelmed.  I've already cried a few times. I even got a piem for my birthday!  Sighs. How can I possibly have self doubt with this amount of positive reinforcement?!

Purpose

The man who is happy is fulfilling the purpose of existence. ~Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I thought about that today. Purpose.  Because of my flexibility as a housewife, I have more time on my hands.  Granted, housework and errands tend to beckon.  However, there is only so much time that I can get through them and have time on my hands.  I read.  I am watching The Mentalist.  And I got back into a few shows like NCIS and Elementary.  Jeremy is studying right now so I don't want to be a distraction to him.  But I realized my purpose is that therapist friend.  During the day, I am constantly talking to people.  I cheer them up, advise them, or simply am an ear or place to share news...vent...or check in.  And that feels good.  I didn't seem to have success in my professional life.  And for a long time I felt like a failure with it.  I felt less than, so to speak.  It certainly didn't help with my struggles in the intellectual worth department.  Over time...and much encouragement from different people...I have recognized that my worth and purpose doesn't come from what job I have.  And that was important to recognize.  Seeing the happiness I bring to people is what reminds me that I am on the right path...in terms of purpose.  I am lucky enough that Jeremy and I are in a position that I don't have to work.  I wish I could.  But it's not a requirement.  And especially within the next year or so...it will be less of a reason to.  I'd like to go back to volunteering, possibly.  But for right now, I want to stay put and do the housewife thing.  I have a purpose.  And that is to bring my sparkle and shine to the world.  I get it now.  It's like an epiphany.  An aha moment of sorts happened when I realized this simple, yet complicated answer.  This is my purpose.  Purpose is important.  It's our driving force to things.  We want to know we are heading the right direction.  It's almost as important as connection.  These driving forces remind us why we do what we do.  Why we continue.  Why things or people...are important to us.  Purpose....purpose is what makes us the people we become.  Something to thing about today.  My birthday is coming up soon.  I was bummed to not receive my birthday gift from Jeremy in the mail today.  But perhaps, the universe wants me to receive it exactly on my birthday.  We shall see.  I already feel so blessed with so many little treats leading up to it.  That will be icing on the cake.

A moment in time

That was what yesterday was.  21 years ago...my life changed..Jeremy and I met.  To think...that one moment in time changed us permanently.  It's amazing to really understand the depth of connection and friendship I feel from Jeremy.  I feel the difference because I desperately wanted this side to Jeremy.  The evolution of things in the pas few months have opened our eyes.  It also made us grateful to be married to each other.  We understand the bond we have.  We understand the friendship that is between us.  We work to continue the solidarity of our marriage.  We constantly make sure we maintain that friendship and relationship.  And it's not one sided. It's not just me or him.  It's important to both of us.  We're important to each other.  So as I write this...I count my blessings. You have to experience some bad to really appreciate the good.  We all have heard that but it still rings true.  And my journey.  I appreciate the journey I have had in order to be right here, like this, with my best friend.  The best friend any wife can have.  He has my back.  I have his.  We're a team.  Partners in crime.  That is worth more than anything in the world.

It might just make their day

I started up an interesting list for myself.  It's experiences I have had or I have shared with Jeremy.  It almost seems like a want/need list fullfilled/bucket list/ fascinating things I've done....kinda rolled into one.  I am rather enjoying doing the list. It made my day.   After such a meaningful conversation with people I love, I feel a happiness.  Friends and family alike.  Some of which kinda jump between the two.  Today was that kind of conversation.  We were talking about different levels in relationships, between spouses, parents, and friends.  I see why someone who can't be themselves with people who are the closest to them can feel so confining.  Part of my relationship I did that to myself with Jeremy but not showing him all elements.  He did.  But I was too afraid.  And now...now I don't hold back.  It is so freeing.  I get self doubt still.  But I have so many people in my head that remind me that self doubt's argument is invalid.  And I have my own voice telling me that I truly am this person of value.  What a difference.  It seems so simple.  It seems simple now or the door opened to me finally having an epiphany or aha moment.  I see it now.  But that self doubt makes us question things.  Last night, I was having a conversation with an old friend from my military days.  Actually, I was a military wife at the time I knew him.  I split with Woody but there are a handful of friends I kept in touch with after the divorce.  And that conversation came up.  Self doubt.  How prevalent it can be with anyone after negative reinforcement is given.  Sad, really.  But we believe because they come from a space we thought was safe....and people say shitty things to each other.  By that same token, I actually got to know a compliment my ex husband paid me.  I'm so used to the disdain my ex husband and I have for each other that once upon a time we thought very highly of each other and I forgot about that.  It was nice to hear that I was complimented.  Don't make an empty compliment.  Say it if you mean it.  But it's free.  It doesn't cost to give that compliment.  It might just make their day.

When you set out

Something came to mind this morning.  As I was talking with an old friend of mine, I wrote the words...Why not? And their response is ...You may be onto something.  I thought of all the harp of being 40 when really, why not at 39.  I kinda dig the idea I'll be 39.  It helps I neither look like I.m 39 or act it.  When you set out to be the person you are...it's interesting how the cards unfold.  I didn't expect I would be this person.  My perspectives on things have changed.  I've often heard that the older you get, the less you give a f*ck, so to speak.  Strangely, I am starting to get that idea.  I mean...I still want to be the nice person that I know I can be.  But I don't feel I need to be anyone but my authentic self.  Granted, there is a time and place for everything and I take that in consideration when I am conducting myself.  However, I don't have the energy or capacity to jump through hoops for anyone.  It's less stress too.  I don't get anxious about things nearly as much.  I let that sh*t go.  It occurred to me...Why not? Why wait to figure it all out? What if I don't? What if I just need to be happy? I or We will cross that bridge when we get to it.  Which is unusual for me.  I feel like I have to plan everything.  But with the right people, just going with the flow sounds pretty good.  My birthday is Monday.  And one of my presents is simply having Jeremy for my birthday.  It's interesting how things change.  We were going to be out of town this next weekend with a certain family.  So taking off was always the plan for Jeremy.  But since life changed, it's nice just having him off.  We thought of going to the museum but McNay is closed.  So maybe another museum.  Or something else.  We will figure it out.  Since, honestly, Jeremy and I can enjoy each other's company...no matter what we are doing.  We're best friends.  We don't hold back what we have on our minds.  He never quite did. Ouch lol But I did.  And now I don't.  And it's very liberating.  I saw a post that said Honesty is the deepest kind of intimacy.  And wanted his thoughts on it.  And he agreed.  And it made me smile.  At 39... yes I am just going to start saying that now...I feel the most confident I have ever been.  I feel the most beautiful too.  Not just on the outside. But on the inside.  I knew that.  But all this self doubt prevented me to see what an extraordinary person I am.  What's important is giving myself an affirmation.  And believing in it. When you set out today, think of that person who you were...whom you have become.  And see that all the happiness and sadness was built to help your grow into this magnificent human being.  And try being around people that see that in you.  Because when you are around emotional vampires.  You will feel the drain.  But you won't even know you're bleeding.

Presently

We have to live today by what truth we can get today and be ready tomorrow to call it falsehood. ~William James

Interesting quote I found.  It does make you think about truths I have learned over the years and almost had to relearn my own truth.  Even my own truth could be a lie.  The difference is I believe in my truth to be my authentic part.  I am also willing to be open to other truths.  It isn't easy being this open minded.  I've worked years to learn different truths.  One of the best ways I have learned to be opened minded was removing certain emotions from the situation.  That helped clear my mind.  It also has helped to relieve stress.  Overthinking things leads to stress.  Stress leads to anxiety. Anxiety leads to unhappiness.  Unhappiness leads to the dark side.  Sorry...I had to put that in there.  It seemed I was having a Yoda moment.  At least for the truth I was around.  I have had three 5 major conflicts in the last 5 years.  Two of which I managed to reconnect and become some sort of friends.  Perhaps not where we were before but at least an attempt on each side.  The other three I was unable to allow them back in my life.  I hope that is a reflection that I can reconnect with people even after a fight.  The 3 on this list I don't see that with.  All of particular reasons that seem like a good truth.  I can't deal with anger issues anymore.  My body literally doesn't have the energy for it.  I learned that recently.  The second one I actually tried to have a friendship and there for a while I felt like we were doing well.  But in the end I felt taken advantage and in all honesty, I don't think she actually liked me.  If she did...she had a funny way of showing it.  I felt she was jealous.  And the most recent one.  Again, anger issues but so much more than that.  The wound is still too fresh that I don't know where that truth lies. And the reason I say that is because she thinks I am full of shit.  I don't believe her but sometimes my inner doubt gets the best of me and tries to figure if there is any truth to what someone is saying.   I imagine when this is more like years I will be able to see things more clearly.  Strangely, I do miss their friendships.  And then....I don't.  I don't like walking away from friends.  It takes a lot for me to do it.  But I know that if I do...there was a reason.  It's funny. I don't even know where to put the friendship I walked away, not out of anger but of necessity.  Guess they go on a shelf all by themselves because I wasn't angry.  I do feel betrayed by each one of them.  That maybe is the truth I found from it.  And maybe as they might look at it...they might think I am full of it.  Which is understandable.  We are looking at our own perceptions and truths.  I just feel mine is more...accurate.  Many times when I question my accuracy I ask Jeremy and that helps.  Believe me. Jeremy is not afraid to tell me if I'm wrong.  I don't always like it but I do need that.  In the long wrong run, I appreciate it.  And I even explain that he might even be wrong.  But usually I trust in his feedback.  So truth and perhaps tomorrow it is falsehood.  That is a big one.  Be open to truths not always being truths.  It's helped me navigate life.  Just a thought today.  Have a most excellent day!

Inside

It's interesting to have inside jokes or inside things with different people.  An icon passed away today.  Another, actually.  I felt bad about the first one but this one actually hit a little more because of the association of Harry Potter.  And I was drawn back to inside things.  We all have them with people close to us.  Our significant others.  Our friends.  Our family, even.  And it made me think of the inside little language we have with people.  Symbolism, perhaps is part of the language.  Or maybe a word means something entirely different. Or you make up words in your own little inside connection.   Or a word becomes a place or thing.  Sometimes a song...is more than just a song.  Sometimes it's more than Words.  Those inside things are beautiful.  Sometimes they become painful when there is loss, through death, through life...through the journey we go through.  We pass through this life and we show the world the kind of people we are, whether bad or good or a little of both.  I hope that I go out with a little more good than bad.  But even I will tell you, in all honesty...I am not nice...not all the time.  I am, overall a good person, though.  Inside....For example, a texting auto correct is an inside for Jeremy.  He meant to put sexy and auto correct decided it was seedy.  He also texted I'm a lucky Bastard and Bayard came out instead.  So now...we have  an inside that I'm Seedy and He's Bayard.  Yes.  Sometimes we sext.  Stop smiling.  We flirt with each other.  Back to Harry Potter...I doubt you read this anymore...but if you do, ...I am sorry.  I know how much you're a fan.  It's important to you, so it's important to me.  Smile if you have inside jokes or stories or something with someone.  Sigh if you no longer get to share that.  Laugh if you remember a story or inside thing that only one or two other people might get.  Make more inside stories, jokes, and funny things...or happy things....or even happysad things.  It's all part of life.

Just do it

So I did it.  I eased my way in, mind you.  But as of right now...I have purple streaks in my hair.  I am sure I could have found a hundred different reasons not to do it.  But something in me said...Just do it.  And EB made it easy to go for it.  I felt confident with her.  Because I was unsure on how the structure of look of it might go she helped with on decisions of how it was going to look.  I feel fantastic.  It's just hair.  But I feel fantastic.  I have a feeling this won't be my last hair party! And the conversation last night was amazing.  Both ES and EB are substantially younger than me.  Yet, it made no matter.  There we were having these great conversations, having a ball, and doing hair.  And the boys were having their own laugh fest upstairs.  Emily's fiance, DA gets along great with Jeremy.  ES even commemorated the event with little candy dispensers of Darth Vader and R2-D2.  I took Darth Vader.  It was so much fun.  I thought of past hurts and past pains.  And while I was getting another color I thought of this idea of shedding.  This look will only be here about a month.  Yet, I can see the appeal of why they color their hair.  I did it to step off a ledge, metaphorically.  I did it to say yes to something that might make me anxious or never quite dream of doing.  I am not in my 20s.  I look like late 20s.  So maybe I felt like I have window of opportunity of where I can do a few crazy antics.  I don't act my age so that helps! It's just hair. But I feel like a different person.  Even if it's a small thing...say yes to something you might say no to.  You just might find out.  It's exactly what you needed to say yes too.

Diving

If all goes well I really am doing it.  I am dying my hair purple.  At least purple streaks is the plan.  I love my morning talks with Jeremy.  Rather than give me a kiss upstairs I follow him downstairs as he sits on the couch before he goes.  I curl up with my blanket and we just talk.  Today, we talked about why I am dying my hair.  I had talked about not having a panic attack in two weeks. (Almost two weeks. I was a little off) He was really happy to hear that.  And that I have a calmness and peacefulness to me.  I spend a lot more time by myself.  I am perfectly okay with that.  It's important to be happy with your own company.  I think I needed the quiet anyways.  But I was telling him that I felt compelled to do this...as if to do some head first, screw it tour leading up to 40.  His take was that I seem to always stop myself with a reason.  I just said why not? And he liked that.  That I just went for it.  If I wasn't mistaken...I think there was a sense of pride in what I was doing.  I am nervous about this.  But in embracing this act and just letting the chips fall...I feel empowered? No...something..though.  I am decided on purple because it is the color of Epilepsy Awareness.  While it is isn't March 26th yet...it will make me happy I am representing Epilepsy Awareness in my own way.  My birthday is less than two weeks away.  I always want my birthday to be hooply, a big deal.  But this year...it's big...in a quiet way.  Jeremy is getting me a gift I have been wanting.  He listens.  And he remembered.  I am so touched.  And last night...he gave me a priceless gift.  In the middle of cooking, one of my favorite songs came out.  Just like Heaven started playing.  Out of nowhere...I ask for a strange request.  Right in the middle of the living room with me cooking...Jeremy and I danced to Just like Heaven.  I felt like time stood still.  I felt like strange movie montage.  I can't explain.  But he gave me a gift.  Sometimes you don't know the things you want...until you do.  And you have someone not only willing to oblige, but indulge you! Jeremy is one of a kind.  I am very lucky.  We are very lucky to have each other.  So let's see how this day goes.  I am off to a hot lunch date with Jeremy.  Another of my wants and needs.  I like having lunch with him.  And then we'll see from there.  Have a marvelous day.  Do something crazy...even if it's small.  And smile.  Smile because life is too short to not eat dessert first. I saw that on art board yesterday.  It is so true. lol Diving...That's what this feels like. Diving into life, I suppose.

Storytelling

I love stories that friends tell me.  Childhood stories.  Stories how they met their special someones.  And Saturday was no different.  We went out with a friend that's in the Navy.  And my stomach was hurting...from too much laughing.  It reminded me of other friends and their stories.  I am filled with friends that have such fascinating stories in their lives.  I also realized I too, have fascinating stories.  It's good to be there for friends, even if all you can give them is a listening ear.  Storytelling is important.  Long before the internet, long before technology...it's how we kept history going.  Now, sometimes that hasn't always been the best way because truth can get changed.  It always reminds me of the game where you sit around a circle and whisper to someone.  And chances are the information is different than what it started with.  But that's how we kept history going...story telling.  I love hearing older generation with story telling.  I read in the history books...and then listen to someone older speak of being there.  And one day, in my own way...I will be that older generation with a story...or two.

Interesting

A week or two ago, a friend of mine was mentioning Brene Brown.  I took in the information and just stored it as it had pertained some interesting information regarding vulnerability and other emotional things.  I was intrigued.  Yesterday, I came across one of her seminars.  And I felt my mind blown.  She hand an acronym that spoke volumes.  It spoke to me.  And that was the Anatomy of Trust. It was BRAVING the connection.

Boundaries was the first one.  And that struck a chord with me.  My discomfort of laughter came through because trust and boundaries has been difficult for me with certain people.  I trust but I didn't set up boundaries well because I was too busy worried about their needs instead of my own.  I discredited my needs as secondary.  Reliability.  I thought about that when I have been disrespected by someone being late or cancelled too many times.  Accountability.  I am a firm believer of this one.  And I am willing to hold myself accountable for things.  I realize I make mistakes and hope to learn from mine.  Vault.  It is important that you understand what I am telling you is important to me.  Integrity.  I hope that I am a person with integrity.  I believe I am.  I try to live my life as authentic as I can.  And in doing so, my integrity should be in tact.  Non judgement.  It is important that when I share with you, that is a space of understanding and non judgement.  Generosity.  That you show and express certain things, small things that make up the big things for me to realize I can trust you.  I get uncomfortable with anything or anyone that resembles self-help in any way.  I worry about exploitation.  But what she said spoke to me.  I thought I would share it with you.  It was....interesting.

It's okay

Kinda following up from The Art of Processing yesterday...It's okay to miss things.  I thought about that today as I was talking to a friend.  Sometimes we rush to be okay, when we're really not.  All of us have a different way to process, which is what I was writing about yesterday.  So it stand to reason we miss things, places, and people so differently.  Here's an example.  I was very close to my maternal Grandma.  When she passed, you would think I would be balling.  I didn't shed one tear. I couldn't understand why I wasn't crying.  It wasn't until a year later, dealing with my divorce that I broke down.  Yes, because I was getting divorced...but more so because I lost my Grandma and finally let myself feel the pain of it.  We, as individuals are complex beings that have a different way to do things.  Even Twins have different mindsets to certain things and they are synced better than the rest of us.  So even if we have similar stories, we're not going to think the same.  I say that and most of the time I believe it.  But even I have my moments where I don't practice what I preach, so to speak.  And then I have to step back.  Jeremy helps me to do that.  Do I agree with every thing he says? No.  I tell him that now.  But I see the logic of where the line of thought is coming from.  And that is something I am learning different.  I might still disagree that I wasn't thinking that but that I understand where the line of thought came from, or the logic of it.  So, today as you go through your day.  It's okay if you don't have it all together.  It's okay if today feels more like a shitty day than a pretty day.  It's okay...not to be okay...all the time.

The art of processing

We all have a process on how we deal with things.  I noticed that as friends, close or Facebook do things.  Sometimes, on the outside, it might not make sense to anyone but us.  I've been there with that.  I process thoughts already differently.  Why not process my process differently, as well.  The art of processing is beautiful and sad sometimes.  We process death.  We process change, like a move.  We process a loss of relationships or friendships.  Sometimes some of us process so privately, people have no clue how much they are in heartache.  Others are more vocal.  Honestly, over time, I don't see one better than the other.  I see it differently.  And different processes work for different people.  Process, in and of itself is not a one size fits all.  But sometimes we might judge someone too private about their process or too vocal. I once got criticism from a friend (she was at the time) that I didn't post "real" things on my Facebook.  I've seen an article or two that Facebook is not a realistic view of a person's life.  I can see that.  But I don't think that applies for everyone.  I, myself don't post negative things because I don't want that negative energy out.  I also figure I will save it for my blog.  Again, I have a different process.  This inspiration came just observing and seeing how people process their emotions.  How they process their happiness....and their pain.  It's intriguing.  The art of processing is fascinating.  There isn't a judgement from me how you process.  To me, there is always a method to madness.  I may be slow to process what you're doing if it is directed to me at times.  But eventually, I get there. Eventually, I realize, there is a process.  But if you need a friend, even a silent friend to process whatever you are processing today...frustration at work, significant other happiness or unhappiness, parent frustration, inner frustration....I am side by side with you, at least virtually.  I'm like a process sponsor.  You're not alone.

Skittish

I hadn't realized until today that I am skittish on certain experiences now.  I actually admitted that someone broke my spirit.  It takes a lot to do that.  I am slowing coming back to my shine.  It's easy enough to do it online.  But in person, I am more mellow of things.  I am actually hesitant on making new friends, which is a first for me.  Maybe one day, I will be that crazy flamboyant personality.  For now, mellow me resides.  And I'm okay with that.  Skittish. Yeah. That's me right now.