Tuesday, January 19, 2016

When you set out


Something came to mind this morning.  As I was talking with an old friend of mine, I wrote the words...Why not? And their response is ...You may be onto something.  I thought of all the harp of being 40 when really, why not at 39.  I kinda dig the idea I'll be 39.  It helps I neither look like I.m 39 or act it.  When you set out to be the person you are...it's interesting how the cards unfold.  I didn't expect I would be this person.  My perspectives on things have changed.  I've often heard that the older you get, the less you give a f*ck, so to speak.  Strangely, I am starting to get that idea.  I mean...I still want to be the nice person that I know I can be.  But I don't feel I need to be anyone but my authentic self.  Granted, there is a time and place for everything and I take that in consideration when I am conducting myself.  However, I don't have the energy or capacity to jump through hoops for anyone.  It's less stress too.  I don't get anxious about things nearly as much.  I let that sh*t go.  It occurred to me...Why not? Why wait to figure it all out? What if I don't? What if I just need to be happy? I or We will cross that bridge when we get to it.  Which is unusual for me.  I feel like I have to plan everything.  But with the right people, just going with the flow sounds pretty good.  My birthday is Monday.  And one of my presents is simply having Jeremy for my birthday.  It's interesting how things change.  We were going to be out of town this next weekend with a certain family.  So taking off was always the plan for Jeremy.  But since life changed, it's nice just having him off.  We thought of going to the museum but McNay is closed.  So maybe another museum.  Or something else.  We will figure it out.  Since, honestly, Jeremy and I can enjoy each other's company...no matter what we are doing.  We're best friends.  We don't hold back what we have on our minds.  He never quite did. Ouch lol But I did.  And now I don't.  And it's very liberating.  I saw a post that said Honesty is the deepest kind of intimacy.  And wanted his thoughts on it.  And he agreed.  And it made me smile.  At 39... yes I am just going to start saying that now...I feel the most confident I have ever been.  I feel the most beautiful too.  Not just on the outside. But on the inside.  I knew that.  But all this self doubt prevented me to see what an extraordinary person I am.  What's important is giving myself an affirmation.  And believing in it. When you set out today, think of that person who you were...whom you have become.  And see that all the happiness and sadness was built to help your grow into this magnificent human being.  And try being around people that see that in you.  Because when you are around emotional vampires.  You will feel the drain.  But you won't even know you're bleeding.

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