Hello, Independence

I don't need a big paycheck.  Just the fact that I am buying things with MY money I earned.  It feels amazing.  A certain store still had a sale going on so I headed over there.  I love bargains.  Hello, Independence.  I need a nap.  I love naps.  Naps are awesome.  Shopping and then, napping.  Working, shopping, and napping.  That sounds awesome.  Sorry I am not one for much inspiration today.  I'll have days like that.

Angel Olsen - Shut Up Kiss Me (Official Video)

This borders on the weird but I like looking for different music.

Some song is stuck in my head

I had a whole other blog entry going.  Then Life and Death by Paul Cardall and for the life of me I'm trying to figure out where I know the song from.  It's off of some soundtrack, I'm sure.  Okay...Back to the blog entry...
Dear Badass,
(That would be you)

Keep going today.  Have a smile on your face that one person is proud of you.  That's me.  I don't need to know the importance of your job.  All I know is once a day, you come here for some reason.  And it's my chance to say Go you! Oh...It's on the Lost Soundtrack.  I digress.  Do your badass thing today.  Be the kick ass, take no prisoners, dragon slayer I know you can be.  Soooo. Go you!!!! And hopefully, you make someone's day too.  Encourage today.  It's a wonderful contagious feeling.  Like a pay it forward kind of contagiousness.  I am a badass myself.  I pulled a 10 hour shift.  Then I did two 4 hours shifts yesterday, and Friday will be like that again.  Today and tomorrow are actually my short days.  This week will be a 33 hour week.  Look at me.  I love my job.  And I'm a rockstar at it.

I really did that

I really did that. I didn't just pull off an 8 hour shift.  I pulled off a 10. It's been 5 years since I pulled off 8, let alone 10. Maybe 10 years, for 10? I love my job. I'm tired. But it's a good tired. I came home yesterday and Jeremy had a drink waiting for ne, like I do him. That made me smile. I can't wait to buy him dinner. I am happy with this independent feeling. I am also loving this groove. I have my house wifey life. And then,  my work life. Alright,  back to my assignment. 

Really, now...

So I had an awesome weekend.  We got the Xbox working again.  So, there we were, playing video games. And well, I think hell froze over. At least twice I beat my son at the video game. And once, Jeremy. Mind you, these guys play video games all the time. But maybe PC and console hold differntly. I'm a console girl. Or as my friend,  JMB says, " Peasants ". Dork. Work is amazing.  I love my job. It feels a little like being on call but I'm flexible.  Really,  now. Life couldn't feel more right.  But you know,  life happens. And in an instant,  you have to figure your reaction.  But with an awesome support,  I always figure it out. Have a great, day. My quiet spaces. You are amazing.  Just in case you needed a reminder.

Miley Cyrus - Hands of Love (Lyrics+Picture)

Don't judge me.  It's okay.  I kinda did of myself lol.  But I found this song.  Loved it.  I want to see the movie it's from Freeheld

Oh, Universe

It's what I said at some point.  I told you of the interesting news of my friend with the court date on THAT DATE.  What was interesting was that in was done on what would have been the wedding anniversary of Woody and I.  Now, if the University hadn't drunk the spiked punch, it got together with Facebook.  You ever seen or read an article where this gay man says...That time my rapist came up as People you may know.  Well...That happened.  There, with his smug...I am living the life fake smile....was Javier.  I didn't know whether to laugh...or cry from the laughter of the insanity of his name coming up.  I wouldn't post his face.  I want CC to deal with her court stuff before I even entertain that thought.  I actually wished I could post it here without it going to Facebook.  But for your stalking pleasure, Xavier Gonzales.  He often wears glasses.  He thinks he looks like Tom Cruise.  You can decide that for yourself.  You'll know which one he is.  He still denies any wrong doing to me or to CC.  So he isn't the kind of person that has remorse.  Maybe it wouldn't help still.  But the last thing I want is a person who sees no accountability for their actions.  I loathe people like that.  Own up.  You're a bully. Own up.  You're a coward. Own up.  You're a bitch..Own up.  I'm a little too upfront for my own good sometimes.  I'm a little too forgiving sometimes.  I'm a pushover.  But once you burn me...you know.  You can present yourself in a pretty little bow and shake yourself off of responsibility for your actions. But in the deepest of darkest places and in space of truth.  You know.  That's why I am not afraid of my truth.  I've been verbally attacked for my "truth" before.  I am okay with that.  Because I know the truth.  I am one of the most forthcoming people you will meet.  I'm not saint.  I'm not sitting here and saying I am nice 100% of the time.  But I don't turn away even my enemies if they need help.  I don't know if I want to call it the "Christian" thing to do.  I just call it "the right" thing for me to do.  My believes. My values.  There is a standard of which I live by.  Call it protocol.  Call it an honor system.  I firmly believe in it. Again...it's just the way I deal with things.  Sometimes in life, you have to figure the kind of person you want to be and become.  This is whom I am.  And I am proud of the person I have become.  Scars and all.  Scars and all means that I understand a thing or two. Oh, Universe.  You wanna play? Let's play.  Or just have a drink together.  And laugh on why you did that.  America's Stonehenge by Laura Sullivan is on.  Just my thoughts today.

Positive positive

Hot lunch date with Jeremy, yesterday.  I love Avacado Boba tea!!!

I love this!

Hello, there!

That would be me lol

Lenka - Everything At Once

My Itunes playlist had this.  I had forgotten about her.  She's an interesting artist.

Every day is a gift

I love my job.  I had such a beautiful experience with "Jody" and "Henry".  It's amazing how people meet.  It's amazing how friends come...and well go. It's amazing the career paths people take.   It's amazing the love stories you hear about.  I am just filling in but I absolutely had a blast.  I got breakfast and lunch for them.  We socialized.  Sometimes I am more caretaker and companion.  Sometimes I might be more caretaker.  And that is okay.  I like being a positive impact on people.  And I am doing just that.  Plus, I get to come home and do house wife stuff.  It's the best of both worlds, really.  CC needs her emotional support again so I am happy to do that.  Here's the interesting part. THAT AWFUL DAY....there is a date with it.  The Universe may just be having a good chuckle.  Because that is the day the court date is set. How crazy is that??? I chuckled.  The worst of it is behind me.  I've already seen him.  I might need to go into a little bit of a bubble that day.  But luckily I have support with that.  Every day is a gift.  Whether you believe in a higher power or not. Every day is a gift that you are breathing again.  And I am grateful for each day to have experiences.  Even the bad ones.  Even in a Zen world that I mostly live in, there is going to be moments where it isn't all zen.  And that's okay too.  It's a matter of how I react to it.  And what energy I have around me.  So every day is a gift.  I hope you have a fantastic day.  I hope you smile.  Whether it's me that made you smile by just saying that or something in your life that did.  I hope you smile.  Waiting in Vain by Annie Lennox is on.  Pandora was acting up.  So Spotify it was.  Only I decided to play my Itunes playlist.  You're welcome to follow me.  Jessica Kearney.  It's off the soundtrack of one of my favorite movies, Serendipity.  I love John Cusack.  I am just so happy. This last part to my happiness really did something.  I wanted to be working so badly now.  And now I can.  So, have a positively profound day, my quiet spaces.  You reading me always makes me smile.  I'll never tire of you telling you thank you for reading my blog.  It brings me great joy that you do.  And each one has a different reason.  I don't even need to know the reason.  Just that I positively impact you.  Now, go with your bad self and have a wonderful day.  I'm off to do housework and read more of the 4th book of Harry Potter.  I suddenly have a new appreciation for the Harry Potter movies. One of their kids worked directly on the movies.  How awesome is that???!

Some fun things to help you through your day

I posted that on Facebook.  I still am laughing.

One of my best friends posted this on my timeline.She knows me well!

I posted this.  It seemed like a nice vibe thing to do

Oldie but goodie!

I posted this and texted this to a couple of friends. 

Talk to the Heart by Keven Kern is on.

This was Sunday. My quiet way of celebrating the day.  Before the was my batman, there was superman.

I love this

Finding my new groove

I am excited about my new groove.  I have a second assignment lined up.  However, I do have to be mindful of how how much energy I put everywhere.  I also don't want to wear myself think.  I have sometimes worn myself out by doing too much.  I am getting organized in many ways.  I started a House Management binder to keep up with schedules.  While I still have my phone, it will be nice to have it written down somewhere.  Since my paychecks won't exactly be breaking the bank, I figured I could use them to treat Jeremy and I places.  I want to take us to Comic Con.  David Tennant and Billie Piper will be there.  It would cost #150.00 to get an autograph with him.  As much as I like him, I can't realistically rationalize anything to myself that would pay for that.  But I did think we could cosplay.  I suppose I have to be in the position to really know.  Is it weird I like living life simple? Don't get me wrong.  I like us splurging here and there.  I love traveling.  I would love to pay for a trip for us.  I think I will work in steps.  Vegas.  A cruise.  Then, the big one.  At least, that's my plan. But on a daily part of our life, I like simple.    But that's the important part.  Finding my new groove.  I still have hot lunch dates with Jeremy.  We have one today later.  I also did my wants/needs bath.  I had a fantastic sleep last night.  I felt so refreshed this morning.  I figured I would rest so I could be ready for tomorrow.  I have also been watching Chelsea., her Netflix series.  It's actually quite informative as well as entertaining.  And she said it quite simply..."Insecurity is the worst".  Especially, because in some ways, we all have them.  I can only imagine, even the Narcissist.  At least in that sense, I always feel those with that disorder and overcompensating for things lacking in their life.  I have met a handful of those.  It's not pretty.  I did reflect that in some ways, we all have that sense of narcissism.  But we incorporate and are mindful of others, usually.  Or at least not to a point where it is too self absorbing.  I once told Jeremy I am a brat.  And He is selfish.  They aren't pretty parts of us.  But in the end, we compromise.  I love making Jeremy happy.  And he loves making me happy.  That blanket of wanting to make each other happy and on a consistent basis, I think has been an important part of our marriage.  Has it teetered at times? Yes! Which is why I hope it usually stays at a balance.  It can't always.  Life doesn't always allow for that.  But somehow, someway, I would hope balance is part of a relationship.  If I got my way all the time, it wouldn't be fair.  And vice versa for Jeremy.  Balance.  Do you have it in your friendship? In your relationship? Something to think about? Just thoughts running through my mind today as I am finding my new groove.

Lana Del Rey- Freak (lyrics)

The actual video was um...interesting.  I figured I would just put lyrics video.  Lana Del Rey is an interesting artist.  She reminds me Halsey, Kerli , and Melody Gardot, in terms of finding their style that is beyond anything of just indie to me.  Just my thoughts.

These are the thoughts

I have a wonderful feature on my phone called Briefing.  What seems the most trending or most important news in a particular genre or subject, comes up on my phone.  Last night, in technology, what came up was Quantum Physics.  Now, this subject started as a bit of a goal per se.  I remember amusingly telling myself if I could understand anything remotely regarding Quantum Physics, then I was better off than I thought.  Some time ago I actually did ask Jeremy about the definition of Quantum Mechanics.  And today, as we had our morning time together chilling, he reminded me the difference between mechanics and physics part of it.  I had read an article regarding non contextuality and applicability.  There had been an experiment made at an institute called Perimeter.  Which is located in Waterloo Ontario, in Canada.  I was connecting, if only briefly on a smaller scale of understanding of Jeremy's world.  That feels amazing.  I actually think it's a game that I am playing that is helping my brain process faster.  One can't help but have to think fast.  It's Piano Tiles 2.  I never wanted to have games on my phone because I felt like they would be a waste.  But what I did was get games that would enhance brain activity or help my brain process.  So Word Search, Piano Tiles 2, Phase 10, and Words with Friends are now on my phone.  I seek features and games that will somehow enhance brain process.  I think of it as a work out....for my brain.  I can tell the difference when I have a brain fog.  Or when my brain process does become slower.  I just seem more aware of my brain process, in general.  And I like that.  I was taking steps to help my physical health, in terms of my Epilepsy.  It only seemed fitting to do that for my brain.  While the condition is a central nervous system dysfunction of sorts, my brain is affected by it.  That was my rationale from it.  It was like helping myself work out, twice.  I try walking at least 30 minutes consistently.  I have a wonderful free feature on my phone that essentially works like a fitbit of sorts.  It's interesting how we have evolved with our phone.  It's become many things in one, besides making phone calls.  You go, Technology.  Way to progress! I am on the higher function of the spectrum for Epilepsy.  I can acknowledge that.   But I still want to show the highs and lows that the condition brings.  One will never know if my rape had anything to do of it coming back.  Many times traumatic events can trigger something like that.  So even in a case study way, I am an intriguing to myself.  The PCOS just adds additional frustration but also a challenge that I can overcome.  Some days I forget all of it.  Some days I allow myself to forget and let myself fee;  as normal as the next person.  Other days, I am definitely reminded that I have variables that I need to overcome.  That's just me being stubborn.  I want to improve.  I want to learn.  And I have to say, one of the reasons I have been able to be successful overcoming these things is the support system I have in place.  Every day, I get encouragement.  Every day I encourage.  And that's important.  Because after awhile, overcoming seems like a dream that might just become a reality.  These are the thoughts preoccupying my mind recently

Positively perfect

I don't know if one can truly have a perfect day.  But if I were to describe a perfect day, I would have to say Friday felt like it for me.  I was going back to work.  That was such an amazing feeling to be contributing again.  Before that, however, I was able to do my housewifey activities so that Jeremy came home to a nice place.  It's an interesting thing about feminism.  I am a feminist.  But I am an odd type.  I want a woman to decide whether or not to have a career.  To have kids.  I also want a woman to decide what kind of wife to be.  I do like taking care of my husband.  It's just how I do things.  It doesn't mean for the next wife to do what I am doing.  She is not me.  And she also doesn't have a husband like mine.  So experiences are different.  Her way isn't wrong.  My way isn't either.  So, I did my housewifey things before going to work.  I decided on cooking stir fry because I didn't know how work would turn out.  I came home and there was Jeremy cooking dinner.  It was an overwhelming feeling of joy and love.  I just about cried.  But instead just melted and thanked him.  We had a date night in and watched The Imitation Game.  It's a very good movie! It was positively perfect.  We watched a movie (Warcraft) Saturday and I did have to experience a mild migraine still.  So the glasses don't completely get rid of the effects.  However, the glasses are working great.  I am glad I invested in Transitions.  I went for my Follow-up as well.  Everything went well.  I've been diligent on keeping on a good regime of lower stress, food intake, and working out.  It's been very good so far.  I feel the difference.  My health is very important to me.  I'm glad I have taken necessary measures to keep my health in good standing.

Trial Run

I feel as though today is a trial run on what days will look like when I work.  I am grateful that I still get to be in both worlds.  I can contribute now.  It may be on a very small scale, but in principle, it is invaluable beyond belief that I am working.  So, I have busy morning doing errands and chores.  I still want to blog.  I just need to start figuring out my schedule with things.  I have felt more whole.  But two things remained that I was not feeling right about things being just so.  One, I can't control and that is my Epilepsy.  I certainly can take steps to improve my health as best as I can.  However, my condition is still going to be there.  And work.  And that I can do something about.  And I did.  On Castle Rock by Connie Dover is on.  Have a beautiful day.  I won't get to talk to you until Monday so Happy Father's Day to any males that read this.  And if not, Happy Father's day to those who are the father as well.

I don't have much to write

I don't have much to write. I start an assignment tomorrow.  I helped 3 friends today. I'm making a new recipe tonight.  I had a Neurologist appointment.  Follow- up.  The end. Cliche just came on. Sadness....Post humously songs just take on different forms.  Have a beautiful day

Loreena McKennitt - The Mummer's Dance

I love this song

Empowerment

There was something empowering with seeing my new look.  My new glasses came in.  I am super excited about them because they have Transitions.  I really think they will help with lighting and my migraines.  I had just colored my hair again.  I needed a more professional look like still maintaining a little of me still.  I found a rather happy medium on that.  I also needed to get a haircut.  I love how I feel after a haircut. I looked at the picture I took and smiled.  There was just a glint of something there.  That empowering feeling I had inside.  Today, I feel a little discouraged with things because of the assignments.  But talking with several friends has helped to remember that the right one is there.  Patience is important.  I can't always say I have it.  I am so ready.  Ready to help.  Ready to contribute.  Falling in the Garden from Ray Lynch is on. I certainly was feeling empowered by all the posts I put.  I love that I help others when they feel discouraged.  I had a couple of feedbacks that confirmed that.  It made me feel great.  I do contribute on such a personal basis.  I just wished I contributed more on a professional basis.  Not every day will be cupcakes and unicorns.  So for those days, I remember that I am that dragon slayer.  And then, I feel better.  And then, I feel empowered.

New purse?

Oh Wonder - Without You

Interesting

Fascination with words

I have always had this fascination of words.  I love learning new words.  So, it seemed only natural I would become addicted to this game called Words with Friends.  One of my best friends got me hooked.  I got Jeremy hooked on it.  And our friend, Raven. I didn't realize playing a game like this was on my unbucket list with him.  The strangest things go on that list.  What's interesting about the list is I don't have a listing of things.  They seem to go on there as I experience them. I still have much to improve on that game.  I am being beaten horrendously by everyone I seem to play.  I don't care.  I love this game anyways.  We stayed up till midnight playing this game.  That was the insane part.  I wouldn't concede even though I was losing.  Somewhere, along the way my competitive streak has come out.  Maybe because I actually feel I have a chance at winning now.  And then, there are beautiful words.  Every day, I get them.  Not just by Jeremy. I am surrounded by beautiful words.  Considering that my second love language is words of affirmation, it is very important to me.  I got myself in a bit of trouble because I started relying on one source of words of affirmation.  But over time, I recognized that the contribution was meaningful but their run was done.  I don't dismiss or minimize any contribution.  I do acknowledge that I don't rely on that source for beautiful words anymore.  So, Words with Friends.  I am addicted

Kindness

I am trying to wrap myself around why it takes so much difficulty to be kind sometimes.  Why does someone have to spew hate? Why does someone hurt others because they are different from them or because they don't have the same values or don't agree with you? Why does someone be rude to someone helping them? Have we become such a jaded society? Are we a grumpy society? I get that maybe things are bothering someone.  I get that life may not be as ideal as one would want.  I get that sometimes things or people make you cringe.  But I don't understand, for the life of me, of why you would intentionally hurt someone? I don't understand.  Kindness.  I had two extremes of cruelty fall into my thoughts today.  One was the mass shooting that happened.  Already, it has turned into a political thing.  Is it a hate crime? Is it terrorism? Is it religious hate crime? The truth is, it's a tragedy, no matter what happens.  The other was having a friend,sick and still having to go work.  We're not all blessed with having jobs that allow us such luxury.  Most struggle with balancing home life and work life.  And if they are sick...well...great.  And they got rudeness.  You don't know what kind of impact you make on a person, especially the negative.  I do my best not to spill my upset on someone.  When I have, I actually have apologized to someone for possible snippy.  These days it is few and far between.  But it does happen, from time to time.  And when I do, it is a most beautiful interaction.  I have gotten thank yous.  I can handle oversight.  I can handle mistakes.  I can't handle rudeness.  And I can't handle inconsiderateness.  I try to be aware of my environment.  I try to be aware of my actions on how they will affect others.  I do consider if my actions infringe on others.  I'm not an angel.  I make plenty of mistakes.  But I think something that people appreciate of me is my self awareness.  So...Kindness....take a deep breathe.  And cut someone some slack.  There is a finesse on getting things done. They don't need yelling.  They don't need humiliation.

Christina Grimmie singing "Demons" by Imagine Dragons

Just wanted to share this.  One of my favorites

I can't even imagine

It took a a beautiful energy that is lost now for me to pause.  Some may not really know the up and coming star Christina Grimmie.  I've been following this enchanting young girl for awhile.  And I got affected.  I mean..really affected.  Funny thing, I found out...my reaction was common.  Something about her beautiful spirit shined through her videos and her time on The Voice.  She had something before an artist goes into the insanity and new level, jadedness.  I also got affected by how she passed.  She was shot in the head.  When I was 14, I had a gun pulled to my head.  It's a frightening feeling.  The person on the end was high so they were not in the their right facilities.  It took me and another person to talk down "George." So, maybe I wondered her last few moments.  How long did she have the fright? What was going through her mind? What was she feeling?  It makes you pause and think...from one moment to the next.  I held Jeremy just a little tighter.  I cried.  I'm watching her you tube mix.  Most of them I've seen because I've been following this beautiful young woman.  She had a raw talent.  The kind where it needed some refinement but the girl was going places.  I can't even imagine her family right now.  I just had to write a blog entry today.  I had to pause.  She opened for Selena too.

Ellie Goulding - How Long Will I Love You (from the About Time OST)

This song is just amazing.

Beautiful people

Embrace.  Cherish.  Hold dear those beautiful people that teach you so much.  That love and accept you no matter what.  That are there for the tears, just as much as the smiles.  They are priceless. I saw a post yesterday that I saved.  I love it.  Such simple and profound words.  And the beautiful part is it applied to any type of relationship.  And if you don't have beautiful people in your life, know in the quite space of life, there is at least one that cherishes you.  I will never know who you are.  But I don't need to.  I cherish you reading my inner thoughts.  I cherish that you want to know what I think.  That is so meaningful for me.  Because I've struggled so many years thinking anyone wanted to know what I had to say.  But now...now I see that my voice means something.  All I had to do was see with my heart, not with my eyes.  So beautiful people....thank you.  I'll never tire of telling you.

All sorts of thoughts

It is something to have a knack for people to be themselves, even strangers.  I had quite the conversation with a sales associate yesterday.  We went with Raven to dinner. We were celebrating my new job. We ended the night on a beautiful toast with wine.  I think I almost cried.  But that's another story lol But she needed to go to get a new phone.  And there, in the most unexpected place, I had a very interesting experience.  I met a black confederate supporter.  And on the other side of that, his other associate was asking me questions wordsmith wise.  Raven concluded that it must have been something I said to clue him in that I was an aficionado of words.  It took me by surprise but I was very flattered and helped him out.  To have a knack for people to let their guard down around me is quite an experience.  I understand why we put up our guard these days in society.  I myself have put up walls to protect myself.  But it is a human condition moment to see a person be their authentic self.  And it was a direct effect from you allowing them to be like that.  It is a rare thing to accept people in their most authentic self.  And quite frankly, there is a risk involved.  I have learned that it doesn't always work.  But that is okay.  It's a trial and error.  And that is part of the human process for me.  I will win some.  I will lose some.  Life is like chess.  Some moves will directly get you to where you need to go.  Others will make you stalemate.  It doesn't necessarily mean a win.  It doesn't necessarily mean a loss either.  If you learned something, then a win in its own way, has been made.  I have moments where I think I'm having an inception moment of sorts of my own.  It's a moment within a moment within a lesson.  Life is constantly teaching me things.  Friends are constantly teaching me things.  Sometimes they know it.  Other times it's just because I am observing things.  I learned something else.  Perhaps life doesn't start after 40.  I am about to turn 40 in less than a year.  And somehow, I feel like I am finally growing up in the aspects that seemed stunted.  That may sound strange.  But having a conversation with Jeremy about a friend prompted an interesting point for a woman.  Some go in motherhood from 0-60 without necessarily taking a breather.  I myself was one of those women.  I didn't have a reference.  I was going to make lots of mistakes.  But, another conversation with one of my best friends reminded me of something important.  Her words basically said that the maybe the simple defining feature of all amazing mothers in this world is the willingness and desire to try.  Wow.  That was powerful.  So as mothers, and for that matter, as fathers...as parents, we are going to make mistakes.  We are gong to lose our cool.  We are going to get frustrated.  We might even yell.  But we try again.  We keep teaching.  And in the process we learn something ourselves.  All sorts of thoughts run through me sometimes.  I'm a student of philosophy and deep thought.  And I love that about myself.  So today, as you go through your day...think about the things you love about yourself.  I promise to smile for that amazing person you are.  I am smiling already.  Somewhere in Time is playing by Danny Wright.

Selena Gomez - Kill Em With Kindness

I love this song.  Don't judge me. lol

To do this

Today, before orientation started, I just took in a moment.  I was letting it sink in that I was going back to work.  My job is companionship.  I kind of look at it as being a professional friend for the elderly.  I did this for two years as a volunteer.  And was somewhat like this with my grandmother and grandfather in law before they passed.  It even helps having my background in psychology.  I'm just a good fit for this.  So whether it's 4 hours or 30, The hours don't matter to me.  I can't quite do 40 yet.  I am working up to that. I get to wear scrubs! It's just the ability to still have my life as a housewife which I like maintaining for Jeremy.  However, it's having this independence again that makes me happy.  It's the principle of it all.  Jeremy is excited for me too.  He knows by my many talks and frustrations that I have been desperately wanting to work.  I was scheduled for tomorrow but things changed.  And that is the other thing I am well..flexible about.  I have a more flexible schedule.  So I am happy on whatever I get.  I went and got a lanyard.  I was beaming from ear to ear, strutting in my scrubs.  I don't care how goofy I look.  I am proud to see I work again.  That just means the world to me.  I try my very best to control my Epilepsy, and the past few months have been great! I've had a few hiccups.  But otherwise, it's been rather uneventful when it comes to affecting my health.  And that's important to me.  It will be interesting to see what the job does.  But I believe I can handle it.  I also redid my hair so it looks more professional.  It's not quite to my original hair color.  It has a dark redpurple hint of color to it.  I like it.  And with my new tan! Now that my sunburn has calmed down.  Sunburn? I am still wrapping myself around that one.  Back to the job. To do this, signifies a part of my life that I had missed.  And noone but myself could get it back.  And I got it back.  I lost my confidence.  And then that Tuesday...something happened.  For all the times I had lost my confidence or was insecure...for all the girls that can't face their dragon...Here I was.  And suddenly, my confidence was there.

Oh yeah.

I get to wear scrubs!

I love it!!!

I had to share this lol

Reason why

There has been a big news story about a 20 year old guy raping a girl.  There have been many things that came out of it.  I read her open letter the other day.  It made me cry.  It made me cry because all the things she said, I understood. Some of those things she said were things I had wanted to say.  But never had the courage.  And then, it's just become a crazy circus of media.  People on internet had opinions.  That's something I try to avoid in general because anonymous people can really say horrid and painful things.  Most actually are on her side.  But there is something that has stuck out for me.  Me, being in a court room reliving my experience, me having to prove that Javier raped me, me getting questioned about what happened.  That is the reason why I didn't report it.  I was too afraid of being in a courtroom and having to prove what happened to me really happened.  That is an awful feeling to have.  And I only did a hypothetical.  So this is me, apologizing to that girl that I didn't have the courage she has had.  I let a rapist get away.  Who knows what else he has done to other women? That's on me.  So each time I get a chance, I tell my story.  Rape  is more prevalent in our culture than we would like to admit.  We chastise a female for being drunk and blaming her.  While I am not crazy one is. it's more on cringing of the fact of her odds being more high of being hurt, not blaming her.  We say things like she asked for it.  Again, while I say something along the lines of trying to avoid a situation by being at a certain place or dressing a certain way, it's more on cringing on her odds.  Courage of the Wind from David Lanz is on.  I may spark a whole new set of anger by what I am writing.  I just want us to have a thought about this today.  This is something in our culture that we need to change the mindset.  We need to teach our sons to respect women.  It's important we learn how to respect each other.  Otherwise, this will be more common that we truly want to know. Because chances are, the females in your lives have a story.

In the moment

Tuesday definitely took a lot out of me energy wise.  I don't regret doing it.  I just felt the emotional drain for the next few days.  But it helped to know that we were going on a mini vacation.  And what a beautiful trip it was.  We joined some friends down there.  I built a sand castle with "L".  I don't really know if I did that as a kid or not.  I went on a boogie board.  I was a little nervous with my Epilepsy doing it.  But DA was supervising and he wanted me to experience this.  So I took a chance.  All the while Jeremy and DA watching over me.  And then body surfing.  A few times I felt like I was flying!!! And then, on Sunday there was a moment that Jeremy and I had.  We were alone and he was carrying me frontwise.  And I just looked at him and said, I'll never doubt you again.  It was just a moment.  I can't even tell you.  He smiled and said, "good!".  We walked around and tried finding whole sand dollars.  So instead, we found pieces of it.  I would love to piece together the sand dollar pieces we found.  We ended the day by having ice cream. It was just such an amazing time.  I can't wait to go back.  But soon I will be starting my new job.  And I love my uniform.  I have to wear scrubs to work.  I love it! So here are some pictures of our trip.  I got sunburn.  DA said I officially had become white.  lol Apparently, Aloe vera is a sunburn's friend.  I also got some Aunt Jess time with my darling niece.  She is too precious.  I melt anytime I'm around her.  I love being aunts to my friends' kids.  And I am so grateful that they let me be.  I will always have moments that I wish I had a biological child.  But I have accepted my lot.  And Jeremy does apologize for being the reason.  I'm mostly okay at this point.   I will have my moments.  But otherwise, I am okay. In fact, I am more than okay.  Because the one thing I was wishing for was a job.  It was a big deal to me.  And now I have that.  And it makes me so happy.  I am in the moment.  

Zara Larsson, MNEK - Never Forget You

First time seeing the video.  That was kinda crazy and wonderful and sad, all at the same time.  I love this song.

From the start

I am an aunt!! I'm an only child, mind you. lol But certain people in your life become like family.  And last night, I got to the aunt thing, right from the start.  That is such a special role.  Being an aunt.  Greyson's Lullaby by Danny Wright is playing.  How fitting.  Here is an interesting thing.  I was texting another friend about said news.  It had already been posted up and since we were mutual friends I didn't feel like I was speaking out of turn about it.  And I explained that funny thing, I felt nothing but joy rather than envy.  Will I still have moments where I feel left out from such an extraordinary experience? Yes.  But I have to look at the entire picture.  My doctor told me I would only have a 30% of going full term.  I can't imagine the pain of a miscarriage.  And the added consideration of my Epilepsy is something else.  Jeremy and I had lunch yesterday and that's what I told him.  That sometimes the Universe knows more about a situation.  We want something but things work out a certain way because it's better that way.  Least, that's my take on it.  Our trials and tribulations, too.  I never like pain.  I mean, Who does?!! But it's what makes us who we are as people.  I was also telling Jeremy about certain dreams and what ifs that people make in their lifetime.  And I had told him that long ago, I had much such a wish or what if about May 31.  And there I was, in reality.  Something happened to me that day.  Something good.  It wasn't anyone's voice that was helping me along.  It wasn't anyone's beautiful and encouraging words helping me along.  It was me.  ME helping me.  What a feeling.  What empowerment.  What a badass!!! Except for some shaking and needing some air at one point because I felt almost claustrophobic, I managed rather well.  My body waited until after to react.  I lost my car keys along the way.  But even then, I am cutting myself some slack.  It was a big day.  And the only one giving me sh*t is myself.  Jeremy completely understands what happened.  And was rather supportive about the whole car losing thing.  That man was my rock.  Coming home from such an even and him being home...it was pure...I don't even know.  I just rested and was near him.  It was such a great feeling.  I didn't need encouraging words anymore.  I just needed the one person who can make me feel ...I don't even know.  Do you have that one person that does that for you? I even appreciate the struggles we had.  It made us stronger.  Maybe, I really had no reason to worry about us.  Maybe he wasn't going anywhere in his head.  Sure felt like it.  And there are other ways to leave.  Like checking out.  But whatever *THAT* was, we got through it.  And we came out stronger.  And we love each other even more.  He's literally trying to tell me the beautiful words.  Not me even saying and he confirms.  Why?Because I am worth it.  I AM WORTH IT. I am a warm and beautiful person.  I am thoughtful.  I am loving.  I am stunning.  I am alluring.  I am playful.  I am a great friend.  I make you feel good about yourself.  I am sincere.  I am me.  Take that, you ugly self doubt.  Take that!

Take a good look

Take a good look.  That is a face of a dragon slayer.  I guess I was still in my shock phase.  My whole body ached.  I imagine I was feeling something like shock.  Still, I looked my dragon straight in the eye.  And do you know what my rapist did? He looked away.  Don't try to outstare me, asshole.  I've been taught since a young age to look one in the eye.  It came in pretty handy yesterday!!! Can you tell I'm proud of myself? I should be. Oh geez.  I just remembered.  I held the door for his lawyer.  I was inches away from him.  And you know what? I was an adult.  Adulting on level 100.

Processing things

It took me a while to cry.  I actually didn't cry until one of my best friends texted me beautiful words.  And reminded me of why it was taking me time to cry.  Her words made sense.  Sometimes, in the middle of my own storms, I may not see or understand certain things.  I am grateful for those close friends that know me, and love me well enough to help me along.  Passages by John Schmidt is on.  Yesterday was empowering for me.  And every time I will have that self doubt, I will remember tomorrow.  That is such a powerful thing for me.  Most of all, it's not any words that any one person is saying.  It's a visual.  It's my own thing.  Which is even more powerful.  In its own way, it's MY VOICE. And that right there is beyond anything I could really hope for in hope.  In hope for healing.  I proved to myself, without realizing it at the time, how much of a bada$$ I really am.  It takes courage to do what I did.  To show the very person who was the origin of that self doubt, that he no longer has power over me.  And for Javier, that is distraught worthy.  And frankly, he was very distraught yesterday.  He should be.   She's got weapons.  She's got proof.  And she's got me.  SHE'S GOT ME.  I am that weapon.  Me.  A weapon.  Processing things.  What a beautiful mindset to understand. I AM A WEAPON.  I will bring her strength.  I am her Bertha.  (Inside thing) I am her inspiration.