Processing things

It took me a while to cry.  I actually didn't cry until one of my best friends texted me beautiful words.  And reminded me of why it was taking me time to cry.  Her words made sense.  Sometimes, in the middle of my own storms, I may not see or understand certain things.  I am grateful for those close friends that know me, and love me well enough to help me along.  Passages by John Schmidt is on.  Yesterday was empowering for me.  And every time I will have that self doubt, I will remember tomorrow.  That is such a powerful thing for me.  Most of all, it's not any words that any one person is saying.  It's a visual.  It's my own thing.  Which is even more powerful.  In its own way, it's MY VOICE. And that right there is beyond anything I could really hope for in hope.  In hope for healing.  I proved to myself, without realizing it at the time, how much of a bada$$ I really am.  It takes courage to do what I did.  To show the very person who was the origin of that self doubt, that he no longer has power over me.  And for Javier, that is distraught worthy.  And frankly, he was very distraught yesterday.  He should be.   She's got weapons.  She's got proof.  And she's got me.  SHE'S GOT ME.  I am that weapon.  Me.  A weapon.  Processing things.  What a beautiful mindset to understand. I AM A WEAPON.  I will bring her strength.  I am her Bertha.  (Inside thing) I am her inspiration.