Quiet protection

That is what Jeremy provides to me.  It's not outward sometimes.  And while at moments I think I want that, It's not what I need.  I also am grateful for him being my brakes.  I may not always like that he stops the brakes.  It's the human condition of me being bratty.  But in the long run, Jeremy knows the balance of when to spoil me and when to not.  And I give him that power to speak.  We have a saying in our marriage.  What baby wants, baby gets.  But he has veto power.  And for what it's worth I don't ask for extravagant things.  I'm not materialistic.  I don't need things.  Experiences.  That's what I ask for.  And since I don't ask that often, when I do ask for something....chances are it's a yes because I am even mindful of what I am asking.  And he appreciates that of me.  Over the past few months, Jeremy and I have really understood each other in a different way.  It was a struggle at first because we opened up what we were struggling about.  My wants and needs.  That's what it comes down to.  I haven't seen myself worth the trouble for something.  Silly Silly me.  As each day passes, Jeremy and I have this beautiful and quiet protection about each other.  We have this amazing friendship that while we were in our 20s I saw how great we got alone as friends, but as best friends...we let go.  I don't think anyone has quite seen me like Jeremy has.  And still loves me after what he's seen....and likewise.  I love that part.  For better or worse.  I know it's easy enough and the option of divorce is more accessible...but honestly, even if Jeremy and I were doing bad bad...I made a commitment. We made a commitment.  He made a commitment.  That while the great times are wonderful to be around for...it's the hard times that we want to be around for.  I sometimes liken Jeremy and I to some old soul couple.  That we are older inside.  That we have been doing this longer for 4 years.  Or been together for 10.  Or known each other for 20.  I feel like I have known him all my life.  Quiet protection.  It's those quiet moments together that he shows me how truly rare we are.  I have so many thoughts that run in my head.  I am battling things inside.  My own inner demons.  Other people and their inner demons.   But one would never see that battle. It's not my style to show it.  I keep it all inside. I probably always will.  Is it right? No.  Am I hurting myself inside? In some ways, yes.  But it's what I can survive on.  Because too much intensity can be too much.  And I found out....I'm not built for that anymore.  I don't have the energy for shit like that anymore.  I thank God/Universe for Jeremy being in my life.  I do have gifts of friends in my life.  But none more so a gift than my husband.  He is my quiet protection.  He is my soul's twin.  I have never felt more alive than when I am with him.

Soundboard

I am always some time of sound board for someone.  So when it happens to me...I have a delay on the epiphany.  And this is what that epiphany has been,  For the past 3 weeks I have struggled with an inner pain that only really I could keep to myself.  I shared with one person and Jeremy.  But really, no one could understand what I was feeling...least that was the thought I had.  I got to share that inner pain with one of my best friends. Just by being there. Just by her own life. Her own struggles on choices she makes. Just by life...she helped me to understand the struggles I have had.  While no fault of anyone, but the situation 20 years ago...I felt emotionally violated recently.  I kept running over and over and thinking. Maybe I'm over reacting.  Maybe I am reading wrong.  Maybe I'm wrong. Because it's the first place I go. I am wrong.  And today, I stopped my thoughts and realized...that's what my pain is.  Not that the person did right  or wrong.  But because I couldn't even feel safe enough to talk about it...I just hid it.  It felt wrong to keep it inside.  But it felt more wrong to say anything.  And I still didn't know what part of the emotionally violated I felt anyways.  I was labeling it something else.  I was not understanding what was happening inside anyways.  But because I have constantly put walls on myself...It's what I did.  I said nothing.  I probably will say nothing, still.  Because exactly how do you tell a person that certain things in your past make your rationalize warped ideas about yourself.  How can they truly understand the inner hell you go through about a rapist violating your trust, your boundaries.  After I was raped...it wasn't some grand thing.  I bled.  I cried and turned to the side.  But then we went on with life.  And I just kept going.  I didn't stop talking to Javier.  I didn't stop seeing him.  I just kept going, and stayed quiet.  I am so used to be candid and honest and just upfront that if I'm not, I feel I am doing wrong to myself.  And so I emotionally sabataged myself.  Sounds crazy, right? Welcome to the irrational warped sense of logic that a person who is abused encounters.  That emotional violation, more than the physical...absolutely screws with your head.  And the way I cope....is say nothing. To take in pain and just do nothing....I freeze...I do nothing.  And something today made me realize that's what I do.   It was sad to realize that about myself. Yet, it also made me happy...no that isn't exactly the word...perhaps relieved to know that was the problem...so that I can help myself resolve...or heal that part of me.  That I could figure out how to mature that part of myself.  If that makes any sense at all.  So while today brought immense amount of pain....not necessarily October 1st kind of pain...or August 1 kind of pain...Geez...What's with the 1st???! Still, it was a pain to process that I have been carrying around for a month.  And suddenly I felt better about my life, my choices...a lot of things.  Most of all, as I look at my husband at this very moment since he just came home....I look at him and realize he is my hero.  My savior.  My rock.  The person who may not understand every part of me.. (like why do I have a blog? It's weird) Even then, my stress of yesterday was taken away by Jeremy being the most amazing husband.  That man loves me fierce.  He is my protector. I am his Queen and he will protect his precious wife.  And he quietly protects.  He strategically protects.  I appreciate grand gestures of protection.  But what I need is quiet protection.  I am more at peace.  And he does that and also knows how to work his way through things.  Because he's been here since day 1 and knows the entire Jess story. The Jess Ortiz story. The Jess Moser story.  He's been the constant in my life that for 20 years we quietly just got each other.  I never knew I'd have a chance with Jeremy.  And now I am married to him.  That will never get old.  But it is he that reminds me how lucky he is that I am the kind of wife I am.  And he doesn't take it lightly.  He knows what kind of person I am, what kind of friend, what kind of wife.  And the best part...he comes home to me.  That he feels special because yes, he chose me...but every day...I choose him.  I get attention many places.  But the place I always want to be is next to Jeremy.

It's comical

You know...sometimes I am quiet amused at things in my life.  I mean...I laugh...and it's my life.  I have good people in my life.  I am dearly loved, it's almost sickening how loved I am.  And that reflects on the person I am.  I frustrate people...including Jeremy.  But in all, they stick by me and support my crazy life, simply because they love me.  I am a quirky little thing.  And not a very typical person.  And I am okay with that.  I live by a different code.  It doesn't always agree with people.  And most times I am okay with that.  Yesterday, I wasn't okay with it.  And when I am stressed my pretty little head goes off and negative and just puts crazy assumptions in my mind.  I am still learning how to finesse my way through not thinking the worst of things.  I am so used to not being in conflict that when I am or misssteps are in place...I forgot how to navigate at times.  I am out of practice.  Which is why it's nice to be reminded it's about what I have done.  Not the person I am.  I do get emotional triggers of being "too much".  I am still growing up inside.  Strange as that sounds...being almost 40. But somewhere along the way, my mind got stunted with things, on an emotional level.  I am aware of it.  And I try to work with it.  It's funny how adult I can be sometimes.  I have such beautiful insight. It's something I have always been told.  and yet...I can't seem to take on my advice.  Perhaps, I feel too late in the game to do things.  Or that I don't have to deal with it but a few times that I don't bother with changing anything anymore.  It's comical how my life unfolds sometimes.  The nice part in all this is Jeremy going along the journey with me.  He holds me hand and I am not alone on my journey. No matter the journey.  He is always there with me.  Jeremy is a character.  And sometimes can have an acquired taste element to him.  He is Spock. And anti social.  And I'm social butterfly.  On paper we are some strange combinations.  But together...wow.  I've never met anyone more willing to go on my crazy adventures of life.  Simple reason. He loves me that much.  I see that now.  Jeremy loves me beyond anything I could understand. Shoot. Sometimes I don't think I am worth all this trouble.  But he thinks I am.  And Oh...he is so worth all this.  Jeremy takes on so much and smiles with beautiful acceptance...and more.  It makes sense because it's Jess.  That is the mantra of sorts.  Today is a day of Thanks.  I am thankful for my life and the people in that love me unconditionally.  That is invaluable.  

Those days

It's the holidays. Stress.  I feel broken in two for what I just did.  So much so, I cried for almost 15 mins straight.  I did the exact opposite of what I wanted.  Why did I do it, you ask?  Because I'm a pushover and I was worried about part of myself being shown.  The part I don't like showing to anyone , really.  I try to change things but because of my personality...I cave.  Strong? Ha! I'm one of the weakest people ever sometimes.  I can be spineless, really.  It's like part of me is still waiting to grow up inside my mindset.  I actually feel like a fraud right now.  I was on such a great stride with my journey.  I was starting to open my mouth and voice my wants and needs.  And then this week happened.  And I feel like I'm starting again...the very bad path of internalizing all the pain.  The pain inside that just sits in me.  You can be right in front of me and don't even know I'm aching and crying inside.  I am so used to hiding it that I could used to just putting my feelings aside.  It's a very bad habit of mine.  And I thought I was rid of it.  It's strange. I shouldn't feel alone. I am dearly loved by many.  But right now...at this very moment.  I feel alone in what I feel inside.  I am doing this to myself.  But I am like this sometimes.  Some crazy person who keeps all this pain inside.  And since I don't yell anymore....all the more reason to just walk away and take a walk. You know...to be some kind of adult and handle it in an appropriate manner.  You know...adult.  Off and on today I will just break out and cry.  And I will know why.  And I will be mad at myself for having to do it.  And mad at other people for putting in me in the position to do because they too, have issues about being a pushover.  . And mad at other people for being assholes and not even considering my feelings or thinking... hey we are infringing on Jess.  Because why? Because it's Jess.  Jess loves. Jess is about wanting you to feel welcomed and loved.   Why can't I just have been some kind of bitch? I ask myself that question sometimes.  And I know the answer.  I can't bring myself to be like that to people....even if they deserve it.  And so I cry...I cry because I'm sad. I cry because I'm mad. I cry...because I feel all sorts of things...all sorts of ways...and sometimes it's an overwhelming horrible magical crap of a feeling.  Welcome to my nervous breakdown.  You may wonder why I am so honest or raw about exposing myself like this? Because you too, have those days where you give and give and give...and are just so damn exhausted...and running on empty...and boom...you're not done.  It's exhausting.  Sometimes you probably read this because you have those days. The happy days.  The sad days.  The I want to walk away from this bullshit.  I'm the crazy person who talks about it.  I'm the crazy person who is willing to bring out the ugly we all carry inside of us, one way or another.  Some of us are bitches and assholes. Some of us are selfish.  And some of us are such people pleasers...we just let people run all over us.  I am a people pleaser.  I loathe it sometimes.  Sometimes I wish I didn't care about people. And their needs. And their hurts.  And their pain. And their happiness.  And their well being.  Sometimes I wish I didn't care at all.  I told you it was one of those days.  It's not pretty seeing this.  I wallow.  I cry.  I get stuck in this little hole...of pity? I don't even know what it is. Because once I pick myself back up...I'm so pissed at myself for having a moment of "weakness". And by noon...I will be the stoic person and nobody will be none the wiser.  No one will have to know what I am facing inside.

Memories

I was thinking about memories as I was having a conversation with one of my favorite people.  I was explaining how my mind works with memory banks.  I imagine because my suppression of the rape for so many years might have a link to why I process my memory bank the way I do.  There's a song that used to trigger me.  Unchained melody.  I couldn't hear this song for years as it would trigger so many painful things about my past.  Now, not only do I have one good memory. I have two.  Jeremy and I went to Ohio because he was part of a wedding.  I kinda knew Ed in college with Jeremy but not very much.  He was more of a passing acquaintance.  But it was an adventure.  And both our jobs afforded us to be able to go.  We drove to Ohio.  I didn't do much in the way of road trips in my college years so in some ways I feel like my adult life is a delayed reaction to that.  I've had road trips, whether with my family or friends.  Strangely, a friend I am no longer friends with actually was one of the best traveling companions.  Squirrel trail.  So, there we were...and Unchained Melody comes on.  And it's if time stood still.  We dance.  We smiled.  And we knew that I had just made a new memory out of this painful song.  My second one is with one of my best friends and working out.  She and I would go to Rolling Oaks mall and walk.  And this song came on.  And it just made me smile.  I have beautiful memories in my life.  Some stay where I can vividly remember them.  Others just pop int my head because of something I see or hear and suddenly am triggered with a beautiful memory.  Sweden was a slew of beautiful memories.  Especially because my past was still very fresh.  I jumped into a different life for a few months, where instead of being a city girl...I was learning farm life, how to ride a bike...again (hey...it had been since I was 6 that I rode one) , and sitting in the middle of downtown and having a coffee.  That, of all things is a memory that stuck out because Rickard was at school and I was at home.  And I decided to go grab a coffee.  And I had to ride my bike to the cafe.  And order in Swedish.  I was so proud of myself.  As I have been able to rekindle my friendship with him , we have had interesting perspective now about things.  I am happy Jeremy never gets threatened by male friendships.  Which is wonderful. Because he doesn't need to.  I am so in love with Jeremy, it's disgusting.  I'm human.  I've been attracted to men...and women for that matter.  I have connected.  But never to the level that Jeremy ever felt threatened to ask if he needed to be worried.  And since I am the social butterfly I find it wonderful when he connects with women, even for female attention.  I'm secure enough to know that Jeremy knows how lucky he is to have me.  I wouldn't jeapordize nor he.  It's a lot of trust to put on a relationship.  But that's what integrity is about.  My reputation means that I say what I mean.  If I tell you I am or am not going to do something....I do it.  I feel like a hypocrite if I don't.  I live by a set of rules and a code that is set unto me.  But memories.  When I leave this world, I will have had wonderful memories...Most of which include Jeremy in them.  But not all.  I have memories that include all the way back to Gwen, Jennifer , Charley, Mark , Annette , Tiffany , James, Josh, Desiree, Rickard,Justin, Amanda,Chrissy, Heidi, Leah, Jared.  Some include where Amanda (another Amanda) Christie, and Sandy are but they are no longer part of my equation. And sometimes, even Javier.  That one is always going to be an interesting one.  He is a monster. But he didn't start out like one.  I'm not to blame.  But my personality will sometimes get me to believe that the bad thing happened while I was there.  I know I know.  I'm not going down the squirrel trail on that. ( I already see a friend's eyebrow going up with that comment) But all these memories mean that no matter my time...I had a good life.  How many people can say that? Don't worry..as far as I know I'm not going anywhere. But the older I am getting, the more at peace I am with my life.  And whom I've become, and still becoming.  And who is in it.  I am making memories with people who matter to me. Whether by beautiful conversations or face time.  Go make a memory today. And think of me :)

Like a movie

Yesterday provided a very special blog entry because it was celebrating 10 years.  Honestly, when it comes it Anniversaries in general I like them quiet.  I don't want restaurant dining.  I just want Jeremy.  And it was beautiful to have the kids with us.  It felt like old times when they lived with us.  There's a beautiful weave that the 4 of us have.  In the past, with Ashley and I struggling in our relationship I don't know that it always had the seamless feeling.  But now....now it's a nice hot cup of tea on a cold day.  It's a tender warmth that blankets me in such a happy way.  I speak of the happiness glitterbag.  It's the different experiences and memories I have built that happiness from many years of innter turmoil.  Now that I have shattered much of that turmoil...I can truly appreciate my memories.  And what wonderful memories they are.  From those quiet moments with Jeremy to simple things I do with people I love.  Those memories are what are filling up in my bank. Along with my heart.  My heart is filled with happiness.  I am happy with my life.  It's had a few speed bumps along the way.  But overall, right now....I am happy.  I'm just....happy.  The energy around me is love.  That's a little new.  Somewhere, somehow there would be a crack or something that wouldn't make this protection of love quite right.  Even with the small wrinkle right now of one part of my life, even that has a protection of love around it.  I wonder what struggles you, as readers have on your mind today.  I don't have the answers, really.  I think of things wandering through my mind...and I write them down.  Often times, it's a running line of thought.  I got a beautiful compliment on my writing.  Where that compliment came from was important too.  I respect that person's opinion immensely.  But sometimes I wonder exactly it is that people come to read.  My thoughts? My insight? My insanity? Because sometimes it feels like that.  It's like a movie I am watching...only it's my story line.  And I haven't quite gotten the finishing touches from the director.  And it seems I'm winging it as I go.  If you know me well enough, I don't like winging things.  If I wing anything with anyone it's because I trust them, pretty much with everything...including my life.  I do wing with Jeremy.  But he has come to the dark side and planned too.  It's quite amusing.  We really have rubbed off on each other.  So...this movie is still going.  What story is to be played? Selena Gomez or Sandra Bullock would play me. Jeremy would love if Scarlett Johansson played me.  I wouldn't complain.  Jeremy would be played by...hmmm that's a good one.  I have no clue.  My want wants to say Ryan Reynolds but for cinematic purposes I would want a stronger character.  As it is, he is a pretty boy. And while Jeremy is quite the handsome man, pretty he is not.  There is a strong presence that Jeremy brings that brings me awe.  The novelty has not worn out that I am with this man.  He is my dream guy.  I've had almosts.  Those ones where they seem to fit some of the puzzle but not all.  But Jeremy...I don't know how the man does it.  Even with the one part he was struggling with, he got inspired in a most unlikely place and found a way to harness his Jeremy "flair" and make it his own.  All for me.  I am the prize.  I am the Queen that he loves...every day. It's a quiet choice.  But there it is.  Every time I feel like doubt...all I need to do is look at my left side of my hand....He married me.  He chose me.  He wanted me.  I am more than enough.  And you know what? So is he.  Feels or no feels.  He's working hard to find his own way to satisfy that.  And I am working hard to communicate my needs, in a more logical sense.  Even the feels lol
Something Jeremy told me as we were driving back from Austin and just dropped off the kids.  I know who you are. I love you for it.  The good, the bad, and the wild insane what the...All of the elements.  You needed a journey.  You needed to find your way back to me.  And you did, in a most splendid of ways.  I am thankful for your journey. Because you got to see me.  I didn't really leave, per say.  But I think the emotional detach or that part of my our relationship was creating frustration.  The journey helped me to see my discredit wouldn't allow me to see he was being emotionally available.  It was just in a different language.  And the journey helped him see that he is lucky to have me.  Not just words.  He really is lucky to have a wife like me.  Am exquisite.  I am playful.  I am loving.  I am submissive.  Not because I have to be.  But because I want.  I don't need anyone to understand that.  I am a strong personality. Trust me.  Some of my best friends will tell you I am a giant! But for Jeremy, I felt he needed that.  And he has mentioned that my doing that has had a positive impact on his well being and self esteem.  That makes me the happiest wife in the world.

10 years

I am wrapping myself around that number.  I've been with Jeremy 10 years.  There is a story to this day as well.  The only time that Jeremy and I broke up was...I think our 4th or 5th year together? It was 4 days only but they were the longest 4 days ever.  I spent two days at Sean and Sandy's. And then two days at Christie and Paul's.  Funny, how life has changed.  I don't even talk to them now.  The strange part was the kids were never worried about us.  I found that a little amusing. Then, and now.  I guess we had showed the kids how much we loved each other.  I did yell more back then.  But the way the kids saw it was I was struggling with the whole thing with Javier and I hadn't dealt with it.  They used to watch SVU with me.  And asked me questions about the stories. And whether I could relate to the stories sometimes.  Smart kids.  I love my kids.  Truth is, I didn't know how well I was doing as I parent because I hadn't started at the beginning.  Now, as they have grown.  I see that my influence was a positive one.  So...when we got back together (Our original together date is Dec 5, which is also Ashley's birthday) We changed the date.  We changed our song. We changed.  I likened it the the 11th hour.  We were on the phone, ready to call it quits.  If either one of us hung up the phone, that was it. But we couldn't. I had left because I was tired of being a girlfriend who was a full time mom with no ring on my finger after 4 or 5 years.  Jeremy didn't want to get married.  In fact, he said...he felt forced to or he'd lose me.  I didn't say our engagement was romantic.  I didn't even get asked.  But here's the strange part.  Our marriage has been the best part.  We have had some cracks in our marriage, which in part was because I was discrediting myself.  I wasn't allowing myself to see that Jeremy was this guy who could open up.  Does he open up like an emotionally available man? No...not exactly. He's Jeremy.  He's not going to be someone else.  I am lucky enough to have a "guy" tutor.  It's the part I did miss having a guy best friend.  I kept thinking it was expected of me to not have one.  Now, it's the most seamless thing having my husband. But having a guy confidante that helps along.  Because what I got to understand is that Jeremy is so in love with me, he just is.  He's been here with me on this journey. Jeremy is un wavered.  He accepts me, period.  Not just some parts.  All of it. He loves all of my elements.  And when he struggles to, we figure it out...because I open this adorable mouth now and point out my struggles.  In a more intellectual feels sort of way, but nonetheless...the point gets across.  I still find myself not wanting to displease him.  But that's my hang up.  And I'm working on that.  These past few months with processing October 1 along with a change in perspective has helped me to appreciate the love that Jeremy and I have.  I don't hide from him.  He sees happy.  He sees tears. He sees frustration.  He sees it all.  And while I do have a guy best friend, Jeremy is the one that knows it all.  He knows the frustration I have at the world. Or how I think of things.  I mull them over.  I run them by him.  I discuss how I might not see something and would like help on perspective.  I admire Jeremy.  His intellect is what had me fall in love with him.  But our chemistry is amazing.  This quiet stoic guy is playful. I get to see a side of this man that few to none get to see.  And we are so damn silly together.  Even today. He was pushing his arm on my face  It's his thing. Like being some annoying kid trying to pull the braids or something.  Or that our lazy today consisted of intertwining our legs together.  Again, our thing. The beautiful intimate moments are poetry to me.  I learned something very important. Physical intimacy is important.  And we still have it.  But we I needed was emotional intimacy.  And through these few months, Jeremy has gone out of his comfort zone to provide that.  There's even intellectual intimacy to me.  We're lucky to have found each other.  We don't say it often because it's so cliche.  But we're soulmates.  I do think sometimes we have found others that could have filled int part of that equation, but never all of it like we do for each other.  And that is an amazing feeling to have.  We choose each other....every day.

Cruelty

As promised, Cecilia...it is something interesting to blog about! She and I were having an interesting conversation about Javier.  In case you're behind..I'm friends with Javier's ex wife.  The outside world may have to wrap themselves around that friendship.  But for us, we have both had some cathartic and very therapeutic moments regarding our conversations.  It's amazing how someone can lie to your face and you go about your business with that lie.  I have accepted that most of my relationship (all 6 years of it) might very well be a lie.  At first, the lies ate at me because I couldn't imagine him doing this to me.  He loved me, after all.  I actually think Javier loved me.  But he couldn't love himself, let alone others.  Which brings me to cruelty.  Some people in this world are cruel because they're mad at the world.  Just my take on it.  And then she texted something so profound and really made me think. "Just think...this could have been you.  And so I did.  I imagined having to call the police on my ex husband (who I had stayed with for 17 years out of blind loyalty and thought no one else could possibly want me) I imagined staying with a man that had raped me but I didn't see it as that or dismissed it because I deserved what I got.  I imagined watching my two girls afraid of their own father or if nothing else, didn't want have anything to do with him because he hasn't been a father.  I was her emotional cheerleader last night.  And I felt so good I could do this for my friend.  It's so interesting of a concept that my very existence, my story validates for her not feeling crazy.  That, for many years she felt something wrong with her because of the things he did and said to her.  She is fresh from this hell.  And she is needing to heal.  And I am part of that healing.  Because I am the one person who knows some part of this hell.  You can't ever tell a person who has been abused which abuse is better.  Physical or sexual or emotional.  You can try to silver line it and say...At least physical you can report or show proof.  At least sexual, he didn't hit you.  At least...At least. At least.  I've had physical abuse.  I've had sexual abuse.  I've had emotional abuse.  Let me tell you.  None of them seem like a better than the evils kind of thing.  I actually feel for Javier in some ways for his plight.  For his story of being abandoned by his mother.  She was too young to raise him is the story.  She managed to raise a step son and a daughter.  It's not my business to say. I'm out of that world.  I am proud that I let her know I didn't like her.  It's probably where I got my nickname from her pinggita.  Which means little devil.  He's been tossed around family members.  Everyone has a story, Javi.  Sometimes you have to pick up the pieces and pull up your big girl panties and live.  And function.  What do you think I've been doing all this time with the shit in my head, asshole? I've had beautiful conversations with my friend Rickard.  Granted, Rickard has a special place in my story because he is my ex but we make great friends.  We always have.  Falling in love with Rickard was the best thing to ever happen to me, for my actual physical safety.  I wouldn't have survived.  I wasn't meant to stay with Rickard.  I was meant to learn something.  And learn, I did.  Sometimes falling in love with the wrong person is just about learning a lesson for the bigger picture.  We don't regret each other.  Besides, who has a story of laughing because you are both virgins from the nervousness of it all? My 22 year old self will always love him :) So I don't understand your cruelty, Javier.  I really don't.  I think it's an excuse to lash out at people for your story.  I, myself, have pushed the envelope with certain friends and snarled.  I also trusted those friends because they were looking out for my best interest. They were trying to get me to see that my discredit was wrong.  So wrong, that if they had to call me stupid..or get in my face, or throw pillows at me....then so be it...so I could get into my thick stubborn skull that Javier's words were full of shit.   He had not credentials for manipulating me into think I was worthless.  In fact, the theory now is he did that because I was a strong young woman.  Because that strength frightened him.  He was intimidated by my strength. It's something to think about when we lash out at people.  It's why I find it difficult to.  I used to.  But I have disciplined myself now to think before I react.  Yah, discipline! And Lashing out doesn't solve the problem.  I am not saying that we, as humans do not have moments and don't lash out or yell or raise our voice.  I'm just saying that lashing out doesn't solve anything.

Saying it with confidence

I just had a beautiful conversation with one one of best friends who was asking for my take on things.  I love when any friend needs my insight.  I love the feeling of being sought out or needed. It's a great feeling.  And the biggest thing I said was "Say it with confidence".  That is something I work on every day.  Most days I feel that confidence now.  Instead of a Pandora's box opening...it was like a Sparkpuss glitterbag opening up and people telling me how extraordinary I was.  It's gotten to be a little overwhelming at times.  I've even cried happy tears because I don't know what to make of it.  Sometimes I see what they see? But maybe because I want to keep my humility I don't want to completely see what they see.  It's an interesting concept.  Besides, I have one or more people who will let me know how special I am.  And the beautiful thing is...I believe them.  I trust them telling me the truth.  So...say with confidence.  You have something to say.  It's on your mind.  You don't have to come off angry about it.  I have often found anger moots the whole argument.  It's as though people tune you out if you come at them with anger.  I often joke around to elevate your vocabulary to throw them off. But that's me.  Speaking of which....did you know forte is in correct.  Traditionally, in the old English language, it was used as forte.  Which means a thing that someone excels.  It can also mean strength or specialty.   I used it as an area of expertise or strong suit.  I hope I conveyed that correctly.  If not, I can check on it regarding the accuracy.  My brain can scatter information sometimes.  Mush brain, if you will.  I probably need spider juice or a nap.  I foresee a nap after this blog.  Say it with confidence. Say it with truth.  Be your own person.  Be authentic you.  Quick. Someone put this on a t shirt or bumper sticker.

Blessings in disguise

Sometimes life doesn't quite go as planned.  One of my best friends and I dubbed that, "Life happens".  "The plan is" is something I grew up with.  Maybe that is why I prefer planning.  Because I know most likely, things don't go as planned.  So when something go as planned, it's a nice peaceful feeling.  Something to think about.  I thought about that regarding certain things that didn't quite go as planned.  At first, I think I adjusted to it accordingly.  Because going with the flow, that is what was expected of me.  I'm flexible, after all.  And I wasn't in pain.  Correction.  This is me.  I feel things on a different level.  I did feel a sense of pain.  I just understood my pain.  However, last night as I was mixing things up with Jeremy, I smiled and thought, Blessings in disguise.  And there was a shift of sorts with Jeremy.  The day itself was a beautiful day with Jeremy, already.  We had met for lunch.  Once a month I requested we meet for lunch.  It's something I have been wanting to do and figured he would say no.  Then, thinking of things I decided to be playful wifey.  Life with us isn't boring.  Quiet, maybe.  He is studying.  I don't want to distract him.  But something about last night said he needed a break from some studying.  And I am a perfect distraction.  I can be very distracting when I want to be with him.  Even I know that.  I just used to discredit myself because he was stoic and wouldn't show me he was affected by me.  I assumed. Oh. He doesn't always feel the distraction.  Silly me.  He told me he just has a better way of not showing he's distracted.  That's what is expected of him.  So we talk of things.  And "talk".  And then it's time to start dinner.  I wanted to make something nice.  I work right now so I am not always available to cook one night meals.  So I make leftovers to make sure I still take care of him.  He often tells me he appreciates it.  And then we joke "Words! Words!" which is our way of joking about words of appreciation.  It's something I needed desperately from Jeremy.  He loved it, as usual.  He loves my cooking.  That makes me happy.  In any case, there I was in the kitchen blasting one of my new favorite songs because I made a memory out of it.  Thanks, JB! (Centuries). And I thought.  Blessings in Disguise are what help things along.  You gotta look at what is in front of you. You gotta look at how you react.  It's like looking at a positive from a negative.  And you know me. I like looking at a positive from a negative.  I like playing this other part for Jeremy.  This vampy wife.  He bought me an apron out of silliness thing we talked about months ago and I wore it last night.  I was doing my thing.  Somehow I felt like I was kicking ass doing it.  Don't ask me.  I just felt like a badass queen serving her king.  Not because I have to.  But because I want to.  Jeremy lets me be my authentic self.  And that can take many forms.  He doesn't question my judgement.  And he trusts me.  Even with mistakes in my past.  They are not in our past.  Just my past.  It's something he has always told me.  Plus, he always goes back to....  I love you in all elements.  It means I see you at your best and your worst.  And I still love you, because you're you.  I get to come home to you.  I'm the lucky bastard that gets to come home to you.  He's also my husband and as big of a pervert as me so there's other stuff like winning a certain lottery lol.  But that's what I love.  We say it like it is.  I don't expect people to understand.  I don't really care.  It's my marriage.  It's a hard lesson I learned by appreciating and swallowing what I thought of other marriages.  I'm human.  I do judge other marriages sometimes for a split second.  And then I remember I don't know the whole story or why people do what they do.  And it's not for me to know.  Into the Light from Liquid mind is on.   It's something to think about. Blessings in disguise. Believe it or not, my talent for retraining my brain is a blessing in disguise.  Sometimes, when friends ask why I am so strong...I don't know how to answer them.  But today, I think I have a thought on that.  I am disciplined.  I know I know. It sounds strange from the description of me as such as whimsical creature.  I am still that whimsical creature.  But even I have a disciplined side.  See...I look at things.  And I even calculate things. I like to call it intellectualizing things.  It's putting logic with a Jess flare. A Jess spin, if you will.  And then, from information that I have gathered (hoping the information is correct and true) I then taken on actions and reactions by way of decision tree.  Do I still have emotions running around? Yes.  But from Jeremy, I learned how valuable it is to let myself be clear of that to make a certain decision.  I do it more with a clear head.  Sometimes, my emotions in the past blocked me from clearly seeing a big picture because I was too blinded by emotions.  I guess I am learning my own stoic too.  And it's not such a bad thing.  Because the one person who sees it all is Jeremy.  And that makes me smile.  I used to hide my soft side, thinking he wouldn't want it.  And you know what? He didn't used to.  But my way of intellectual feels...just explaining the feel.  Being candid on what I am feeling.  That....he handles.  And I can release whatever emotion is running and vent.  But instead of venting, it's like discussing.  And no subject is off the table.  No person is off the table.  Not even him.  I can talk to him, about him.  I received a beautiful gift from a friend about perspective.  It was a life changing perspective, actually.  And the perspective was how incredibly gifted and amazing I truly can be.  Granted, I do have old habits and want to discredit myself.  But I laugh and think how my friend will flip out and then I get my princess pirate face on arrrg.  And remind myself I am a fucking badass for some of the shit I have gone through. And still come out smiling.  And sincere. And still believes good in the world.  Life is gonna throw shitcakes at you.  Have a little fun with it.  Be your own prince and princess in your own story .
Have a reliable tribe
The dragon has many forms
Be true to yourself and to others. Truth may hurt but at least you know what you're working with.

Clarification is a wonderful thing

Clarification is a wonderful thing to me.  So many times, myself included, have mistaken a gesture, sentence, or something and interpreting it incorrectly. There is also clarification on requests It's been a new concept for me to voice certain things.  Sometimes it is a bother.  Other times, it is about wanting something.  There is a possibility a person may still decline what you request.  However, at least they know what you want or need. They aren't mind readers.  And for so long, I discredited that anyone would bother with my requests or that I was asking too much from a person.  Now, I leave that up to them.  I deprive a person who does love me to do something for me.  Likewise, if a person does ask for something I want to know that so that I can oblige the request.  I am an accommodating person.  It's a choice I make.  And when I love someone, whether friend or love...it's what I do.  Although, I am so stubborn anyways, some people just get my bullish need to care for them and their well being.  And I don't really give them the choice on the matter.  So, clarification is a good way to be sure on what message you are receiving.  That way nothing gets lost in translation or communication is blurred.  It's just a thought for today.  A recent conversation inspired these thoughts.  

Experiences in growth

This weekend was epic, especially in the way of experiences.  Jeremy and I went to Wurstfest with a couple of friends but more on the guise of helping to distract a friend from some stuff he was going through.  I fell in love with my husband all over again watching him do like I do, help a friend.  Be there for a friend.  He was my partner in crime.  He's my rock.  I am so forthcoming with Jeremy he knows pretty much everything about me.  I tell him everything.  I don't hide from him.  That might scare some men.  Instead, Jeremy can be my best friend and my husband.  We saw each other with different eyes this weekend.  And there we were, having an adventure in insane parking, rude people not saying excuse, me with 5 five beers and singing to "New York". Yes, Jazz hands and all.  Let that sink in.  He also is my rock in preventing me from doing foolish things.  He protects me.  All this time...Jeremy has been loving me by quietly protecting his treasure, me.  That's kind of an overwhelming feeling.  That was also part of the experience inside.  Taking the emotions of everything in.  The good, the bad, and any other stuff that quietly made its way through our insane lives.  At the end of it, Jeremy has been here to catch me.  And before, I couldn't imagine why.  Until I realized it's because I am worth all of the insanity.  Whatever I bring him.  I am his Queen and and he is my King.  I digress!!! Squirrel trail!!! We had beautiful conversations with random strangers.  It was a wonderful way to connect, especially when this week garnered a lot of bad feelings in the macro sense of the world.  I've seen beauty in things since the Paris incident.  I also have read some horrific things that make me skin cringe.  I am like the Hulk in my own way.  I still have anger, per se.  I just am disciplined enough to control it because it is a stressful life to be angry.  I lose.  Especially with my health.  I work hard for my zen life.  I also have to balance that not everyone is in the same path or level of path I am now.  And because I find them worth being around still, I balance how I interact.  It's a delicate dance.  That is life, though.  Life will not always be zen.  You find out what kind of person you are, reacting to those experiences.  Then, Sunday was filled with happiness glitterbag overflow.  It's not every weekend you spend time with almost every best friend of yours.  First, Saturday night. Then, Sunday morning, then Sunday afternoon. And I topped off the night with a flashback to my hey days with a great couple.  Though, not in any level of best friend...they are still a wonderful couple to spend time with.  These experiences in growth teach you how to handle plot twists in life.  I react horribly at first.  I know I do.  New information kind of thing.  I react raw.  But after awhile, I become accustomed to the new way of information and normal and it seems like business as usual.  Being Jeremy's wife, in some ways trained me to "go with the flow". Jeremy's wife....the novelty never gets old. 20 years into our friendship.  Our friendship. Our love story.  We are a story of the ages, I sense.  Especially since we often get complimented for being the couple to model.  I can't tell you we have a secret.  Maybe that we don't have secrets.  Jeremy is straightforward whether I like it or not.  And he got me to be as candid as possible.  I respect him too much to do anything else.

Extraordinary

I don't talk about the kids much.  It's a private part of my life I like keeping to myself.  However, I think it's a beautiful day to celebrate and acknowledge what it means to be Thomas' stepmom. It feels weird saying that.  It's the official title but I have been much more than that in his life.  I appreciate the courage Sandra has to allow me co mothering privileges.  I am not  deluded to the many horror stories I hear about egg donors and sperm donors.  Or Baby Daddys and Baby Mamas.  Ugh.  Considering the interesting friendship and history I have with Sandra I think it's a beautiful story.  Thomas comes with an interesting story.  I got to know Thomas as a toddler.  I was a family friend, after all.  I never knew that this little boy was going to be such an impact on my life.  That, because of him, I was okay to be a motherless mom.  Ashley and I don't struggle like we used to.  She and I have still have moments where old habits and stuff comes up from our past.  But over all, she and I are in a good place.  I'm a confidante.  I'm someone she trusts and can turn to.  And that feels good as a parent. She loves my consistency.  You know what? So do I.  I love that people tell me that.  You know what you're getting with me.  I don't have agendas or games.  What you see is what you get.  I'm sincere.  That's the word most often used.  I digress.  Thomas and my relationship is just a nice peacefulness.  It's a quietness that I don't have to figure out.  He knows I love him unconditonally.  That no matter what he goes through in life, I'll be in the trenches with him.  That he makes motherhood such a beautiful poetic part of my life.  I see the nurturing that I have done in him.  He has my traits.  He has certain things that are Jess.  It's heartwarming to see.  It makes my motherhood heart melt.  I'm not a biological mom.  But he's the closest I have ever felt to that idea.  He even looks like me. How crazy is that? So today, my lovie...My Thomas is 17.  I'm letting that sink in. lol
This part of me is a part I don't let people see.  That out of everything in my life, it was hard to accept at first that I wouldn't have children. Yes, Jeremy and I could have adapted. But Jeremy wasn't wanting to be a father again.  So I chose Jeremy.  I didn't know this unknown child I didn't have.  I like my life on how it is now.  I retrained my brain, remember.    I get to be a mom on my own terms.    In fact, I get to be a maternal figure in more than just Ashley and Thomas' life.  I have the privilege of influencing a little girl and two young boys.  One day, these children will be Thomas' age.  And I want them to have the same feeling Thomas has.  I am glad Jess was in my life.  And here is the thing...When I watch my friends so happy and grateful that I am in their children's lives I have a good feeling that's exactly what they'll say.  I think I went on a squirrel trail there.

My Thomas.  You are growing up into this extraordinary young man that I am contributing influence.  It's one of my happiest things I've ever done.  I know you wanted to call me Mom.  I know it broke me in two to have to tell you to call me Jess because it was the right thing.  But here I am at you, 17.  I am so proud to be your mom.  Your Heartmom will never stop loving you and staying by your side.

Training my brain

It's an odd concept, really.  But sometimes I do it because it's in my best interest.  Like food.  I train my brain now to to like certain things. Except bacon.  You can't take Bacon from me!!! Why do I do that? Because the thing that I might want most, like velvet cheesecake may be the worst thing for me to have. It might not seem like it but I'll lose.  That's what my strategy is. It's like chess or something.  Sometimes I don't see good outcomes but I do them anyways because I can handle the consequences.  Other times I steer well away because that's the best option.  I love Velvet cheesecake.  But I am starting to think the dessert is not in my dancing card to eat.  And that's okay.  That's the nice thing about training my brain.  Velvet cheesecake is something I need to hold off until I have worked on my health routine and worked out more.  Healthiness needs to be in place before I sample the cheese cake again.  I can just hear my husband telling me I'm silly.  I love that man.  He knows the best and worst version of me and still loves all elements.  I couldn't imagine being married to anyone but him.  I really did marry my dream guy.  But I'm no slouch myself.  Jeremy knows what he has in me. He feels rather lucky to have me too.  It's nice to hear him finally say it.  I know that Jeremy felt that but I needed to hear it.  Sometimes I need to hear it so I don't think I'm putting things in my head.  I still doubt myself in that way.

Truth

Truth can be all about perspective.  Truth can be a skewed perception.  I've often wondered about my own truth. My saving grace is my need for consistency.  It's like I need you to know I don't change my patterns unless  new information shows me why I need to. I don't change my story. Have I held information.  Yes. But once you ask.  I feel compelled to say the truth. It's not to say I haven't lied. I lied to myself for years. About beong okay. I hold back information that seems irrelevant. In some ways, that's lying. I just don't live on what ifs in my life. I work on what's in front of me. What makes the most sense. As I get older, I see trying to be more authentic me. But authentic me doesn't like overpowering people with my personality.  So some gwt more of me, some get less. It's a strange respect I have for the world.

Rambling

I gotta be careful on how much intensity I allow in.  I'm starting to feed off some intensity that I really don't want to but I feel if I back off, things could get worse.  Conundrums.  You have to sugar coat for people. I do put kid gloves for certain people.  I understand.  And then I don't.  Because part of me feels like I am enabling people to act out and not be accountable for their actions.  It's a balance. people.  But you watch people.  And you wonder their intentions.  And you don't know anymore.  And you question.  And you stay up at night thinking about those intentions.  And you watch other people and you're sad.  You know it's not your place to really tell them how you feel about what they're doing.  You just sit tight and support.  Because that's the kind of person you are.

Not today

My well being is not equipped to adult today. So no blog. Sorry.  I feel bad but just trying to process stuff and some thoughts I can't blog. Until tomorrow.

Wants and needs

It's a rather new phenomena to address my wants and needs.  I wanted to go to the Nutcracker, but specifically, with Jeremy.  So I asked.  It seems simple enough.  But it's been a new thing to ask for my wants and needs.  This idea that I will burden someone with my want or infringing is silly. And it's not.  I know that for many years I felt I burdened Javier with my wants.  Like they were too much to ask for.  I'm not too much to ask for.  I'm worth it.  Jeremy loves me and wants to make me happy.  And it's important that I give him opportunities to take care of my wants and needs.  This weekend is a new comfort zone thing.  Glamping.  Camping with perks still in place? I'll be spending it with one of my best friends so I'm happy.  My schedule will change because her schedule is about to. So I like that this camping thing is coming at a good time to spend time together that we won't have anymore.  Life happens.

Happy

Laugh. Giggle. Find your happy. I have. Every day I find my happy more and more. I married happy. I'm best friend to happy. I'm happy. 

A reality

I've talked about this dream of wholeness.  Today, I felt the dream a reality.  Right now, right here.  I feel whole.  I hadn't realized that the last part of me not feeling whole was actually losing my friendship.  It would seem odd that something like that would make me feel whole but as I remove that friendship I feel a sense of relief.  No longer do I feel eggshells or monitor my behavior. I don't think of every action and over think it.  Today, I am living.  I still have anxiety here and there.  But even my anxiety has tempered.  I am in a great place in my marriage.  Do we irritate each other? Yes.  We're a married couple.  A couple is lying if they say they don't struggle one way or another in a marriage.  No marriage is perfect.  But I have noticed a vast improvement in our communication.  I also have recognized that I voice my wants and needs to Jeremy much more.  And not just with him.  I voice them to my tribe. If I need help, I ask for it.  If I need a hug, I ask for it.  If I need a vent, I ask for it.  Whatever it is, I stop looking at myself as a burden on people that love me.  Funny how that works.  And strangely, part of my strength is telling my story.  I write my thoughts down here.  I am humbled that one person reads this.  Let alone more than one.  I also write this because someone may need a smile or laugh.  Or need to read that someone else is struggling with things.  A friend, Becky mentioned my vulnerability.  I can see that.  I am willing to be more vulnerable to the world now.  Not just my tribe.  I do that because I do have the fear of judgement.  I will get judged on things.  And that's okay.  Those who judge me aren't taking the time to learn the layers of Jess.  And quite honestly, it's their loss.  On Halloween, I met a woman who summed me in 5 minutes of being an approachable good energy positive impact person.  It confirmed any doubts I have on those who critique the person I am.  You don't get it.  Are the demon voices sometimes going to creep up on me? Yes.  I'm human.  I'm flawed.  But now, having beautiful best friends that lift me when I need a reminder of the amazing person I am is so meaningful.  I have amazing conversations with my tribe members.  Some I talk to every single day through phone calls or texts. Some once a week.  One here and there because he's in the Navy and sometimes doesn't have access.  But the love is there nonetheless.  And the hugs my friends give me.  It's not just one of them.  It's more than one.  These people make me safe.  That's a new feeling.  Jeremy has always made me feel safe, especially with hugs.  It's a wonderful feeling to have it from more than one person.  And sometimes hugs don't just come in person.  Sometimes they have to be in text because of their careers and well, life happens sort of thing.  I am humbled they make time for me because I'm that worth it.  So today...today is a reality of wholeness.  It finally came.  98% anyways.  I would love to not have Epilepsy but at the same time I don't know life without it.  And my 98% is my 100%.  It's the most wholeness I have ever felt.  This wholeness is a reality.

Processing pain

It's what I am doing.  With today being a year that Brody, my cat passing.  He wasn't just a pet.  He was family.  He was with me 13 years.  But besides that, there is the process of loss.  At this point, after a beautiful conversation with JB I think I felt better about the loss of a friend.  Thank you, btw.  Your an awesome best friend.  But still processing it all.  I feel like I just wasted 6 or 7 years.  It is what it is.  I feel more comfortable these days processing my feelings.  I respect people's spaces so I still want to make sure on their comfort zones.  But then, don't be around me when I am processing feelings.  Because I am going to process happy. Sad. Mad.  I'm too old for this shit, really.  I've spent the greater half of my life accommodating to people.  I need to be a little selfish every once in a while.  And I get to be selfish sometimes with my tribe.  It's such a great feeling to be loved and accepted by these people.  Unconditionally, they love me.  On good days and bad.  In fact, when I have my bad days they lift my spirits up, simply because they love me, no matter what.  They're my family.  I love these people.  And they love me.  I'm not perfect.  I have plenty of flaws.  But I don't see my flaws nearly as amplified with this group.  I feel confident.  I feel amazing.  I feel loved and accepted.  I see the amazing person I am inside.  I see the warm and kind person.  I'm approachable.  Anyways, today is processing pain day.  And that's okay.   I don't always have to smile if I don't feel it.  That's the day a friend or two smile for me.  

A positive out of a negative

Sometimes these "Facebook Memories" posts can be heartbreaking.  They remind me of the friendship I lost and how much I miss that friendship.  But, they also remind me of how much better off I am in my life not to have that friendship.

I have to look at those words.  You never know if a post is directed or you or not.  But since I lost my friendship with the person who wrote this and I happen to look at my own memories of today from years past...I can guess that the post is about me.  It is what it is.  I hurt.  But she's right.  It does remind me how much better off I am in my life not to have that friendship.  It's just where we are.  I felt like I got punched.  But there's a positive out of a negative.  My chapter without this person.  I had been mostly living life without daily contact.  Her letting go of me made it easier to let go.  I don't want to.  But when you know that a friendship is bad for your health...it's time to let go.  The positive out of the negative is waking up to give affirmations to people who love and accept me.  See, I understand an argument presented in our conversation.  Actions speak louder than words.  They felt like they had been doing the actions.  The odd part was I changed my personality for this person.  I "catered" to their insecurities.  I did multiple things to make them feel comfortable and it wasn't enough.  So I felt like I wasn't enough.  So as they were saying I don't do enough actions.  My words don't match my actions. And then a phone call from one of my best friends just put me in a great mood.  Ah.  My tribe members.  We were talking about above situation and baseline bitch and reactive bitch.  I would be the latter.  I feel so much better.  I have to go through the emotions of it.  I recognized some of these are actually angersad feelings.  I resent this friendship.  Boom. Epiphany.  I resent this friendship.  Moving on.  Because that's what I must do.  As they say.  I am much better off in my life not having this friendship.
The positive out of the negative, it was pointed out, shows the character of the other person...not me.  Interesting point.  I hope I got that sentiment right.