10 years

I am wrapping myself around that number.  I've been with Jeremy 10 years.  There is a story to this day as well.  The only time that Jeremy and I broke up was...I think our 4th or 5th year together? It was 4 days only but they were the longest 4 days ever.  I spent two days at Sean and Sandy's. And then two days at Christie and Paul's.  Funny, how life has changed.  I don't even talk to them now.  The strange part was the kids were never worried about us.  I found that a little amusing. Then, and now.  I guess we had showed the kids how much we loved each other.  I did yell more back then.  But the way the kids saw it was I was struggling with the whole thing with Javier and I hadn't dealt with it.  They used to watch SVU with me.  And asked me questions about the stories. And whether I could relate to the stories sometimes.  Smart kids.  I love my kids.  Truth is, I didn't know how well I was doing as I parent because I hadn't started at the beginning.  Now, as they have grown.  I see that my influence was a positive one.  So...when we got back together (Our original together date is Dec 5, which is also Ashley's birthday) We changed the date.  We changed our song. We changed.  I likened it the the 11th hour.  We were on the phone, ready to call it quits.  If either one of us hung up the phone, that was it. But we couldn't. I had left because I was tired of being a girlfriend who was a full time mom with no ring on my finger after 4 or 5 years.  Jeremy didn't want to get married.  In fact, he said...he felt forced to or he'd lose me.  I didn't say our engagement was romantic.  I didn't even get asked.  But here's the strange part.  Our marriage has been the best part.  We have had some cracks in our marriage, which in part was because I was discrediting myself.  I wasn't allowing myself to see that Jeremy was this guy who could open up.  Does he open up like an emotionally available man? No...not exactly. He's Jeremy.  He's not going to be someone else.  I am lucky enough to have a "guy" tutor.  It's the part I did miss having a guy best friend.  I kept thinking it was expected of me to not have one.  Now, it's the most seamless thing having my husband. But having a guy confidante that helps along.  Because what I got to understand is that Jeremy is so in love with me, he just is.  He's been here with me on this journey. Jeremy is un wavered.  He accepts me, period.  Not just some parts.  All of it. He loves all of my elements.  And when he struggles to, we figure it out...because I open this adorable mouth now and point out my struggles.  In a more intellectual feels sort of way, but nonetheless...the point gets across.  I still find myself not wanting to displease him.  But that's my hang up.  And I'm working on that.  These past few months with processing October 1 along with a change in perspective has helped me to appreciate the love that Jeremy and I have.  I don't hide from him.  He sees happy.  He sees tears. He sees frustration.  He sees it all.  And while I do have a guy best friend, Jeremy is the one that knows it all.  He knows the frustration I have at the world. Or how I think of things.  I mull them over.  I run them by him.  I discuss how I might not see something and would like help on perspective.  I admire Jeremy.  His intellect is what had me fall in love with him.  But our chemistry is amazing.  This quiet stoic guy is playful. I get to see a side of this man that few to none get to see.  And we are so damn silly together.  Even today. He was pushing his arm on my face  It's his thing. Like being some annoying kid trying to pull the braids or something.  Or that our lazy today consisted of intertwining our legs together.  Again, our thing. The beautiful intimate moments are poetry to me.  I learned something very important. Physical intimacy is important.  And we still have it.  But we I needed was emotional intimacy.  And through these few months, Jeremy has gone out of his comfort zone to provide that.  There's even intellectual intimacy to me.  We're lucky to have found each other.  We don't say it often because it's so cliche.  But we're soulmates.  I do think sometimes we have found others that could have filled int part of that equation, but never all of it like we do for each other.  And that is an amazing feeling to have.  We choose each other....every day.