Memories

I was thinking about memories as I was having a conversation with one of my favorite people.  I was explaining how my mind works with memory banks.  I imagine because my suppression of the rape for so many years might have a link to why I process my memory bank the way I do.  There's a song that used to trigger me.  Unchained melody.  I couldn't hear this song for years as it would trigger so many painful things about my past.  Now, not only do I have one good memory. I have two.  Jeremy and I went to Ohio because he was part of a wedding.  I kinda knew Ed in college with Jeremy but not very much.  He was more of a passing acquaintance.  But it was an adventure.  And both our jobs afforded us to be able to go.  We drove to Ohio.  I didn't do much in the way of road trips in my college years so in some ways I feel like my adult life is a delayed reaction to that.  I've had road trips, whether with my family or friends.  Strangely, a friend I am no longer friends with actually was one of the best traveling companions.  Squirrel trail.  So, there we were...and Unchained Melody comes on.  And it's if time stood still.  We dance.  We smiled.  And we knew that I had just made a new memory out of this painful song.  My second one is with one of my best friends and working out.  She and I would go to Rolling Oaks mall and walk.  And this song came on.  And it just made me smile.  I have beautiful memories in my life.  Some stay where I can vividly remember them.  Others just pop int my head because of something I see or hear and suddenly am triggered with a beautiful memory.  Sweden was a slew of beautiful memories.  Especially because my past was still very fresh.  I jumped into a different life for a few months, where instead of being a city girl...I was learning farm life, how to ride a bike...again (hey...it had been since I was 6 that I rode one) , and sitting in the middle of downtown and having a coffee.  That, of all things is a memory that stuck out because Rickard was at school and I was at home.  And I decided to go grab a coffee.  And I had to ride my bike to the cafe.  And order in Swedish.  I was so proud of myself.  As I have been able to rekindle my friendship with him , we have had interesting perspective now about things.  I am happy Jeremy never gets threatened by male friendships.  Which is wonderful. Because he doesn't need to.  I am so in love with Jeremy, it's disgusting.  I'm human.  I've been attracted to men...and women for that matter.  I have connected.  But never to the level that Jeremy ever felt threatened to ask if he needed to be worried.  And since I am the social butterfly I find it wonderful when he connects with women, even for female attention.  I'm secure enough to know that Jeremy knows how lucky he is to have me.  I wouldn't jeapordize nor he.  It's a lot of trust to put on a relationship.  But that's what integrity is about.  My reputation means that I say what I mean.  If I tell you I am or am not going to do something....I do it.  I feel like a hypocrite if I don't.  I live by a set of rules and a code that is set unto me.  But memories.  When I leave this world, I will have had wonderful memories...Most of which include Jeremy in them.  But not all.  I have memories that include all the way back to Gwen, Jennifer , Charley, Mark , Annette , Tiffany , James, Josh, Desiree, Rickard,Justin, Amanda,Chrissy, Heidi, Leah, Jared.  Some include where Amanda (another Amanda) Christie, and Sandy are but they are no longer part of my equation. And sometimes, even Javier.  That one is always going to be an interesting one.  He is a monster. But he didn't start out like one.  I'm not to blame.  But my personality will sometimes get me to believe that the bad thing happened while I was there.  I know I know.  I'm not going down the squirrel trail on that. ( I already see a friend's eyebrow going up with that comment) But all these memories mean that no matter my time...I had a good life.  How many people can say that? Don't worry..as far as I know I'm not going anywhere. But the older I am getting, the more at peace I am with my life.  And whom I've become, and still becoming.  And who is in it.  I am making memories with people who matter to me. Whether by beautiful conversations or face time.  Go make a memory today. And think of me :)