Soundboard

I am always some time of sound board for someone.  So when it happens to me...I have a delay on the epiphany.  And this is what that epiphany has been,  For the past 3 weeks I have struggled with an inner pain that only really I could keep to myself.  I shared with one person and Jeremy.  But really, no one could understand what I was feeling...least that was the thought I had.  I got to share that inner pain with one of my best friends. Just by being there. Just by her own life. Her own struggles on choices she makes. Just by life...she helped me to understand the struggles I have had.  While no fault of anyone, but the situation 20 years ago...I felt emotionally violated recently.  I kept running over and over and thinking. Maybe I'm over reacting.  Maybe I am reading wrong.  Maybe I'm wrong. Because it's the first place I go. I am wrong.  And today, I stopped my thoughts and realized...that's what my pain is.  Not that the person did right  or wrong.  But because I couldn't even feel safe enough to talk about it...I just hid it.  It felt wrong to keep it inside.  But it felt more wrong to say anything.  And I still didn't know what part of the emotionally violated I felt anyways.  I was labeling it something else.  I was not understanding what was happening inside anyways.  But because I have constantly put walls on myself...It's what I did.  I said nothing.  I probably will say nothing, still.  Because exactly how do you tell a person that certain things in your past make your rationalize warped ideas about yourself.  How can they truly understand the inner hell you go through about a rapist violating your trust, your boundaries.  After I was raped...it wasn't some grand thing.  I bled.  I cried and turned to the side.  But then we went on with life.  And I just kept going.  I didn't stop talking to Javier.  I didn't stop seeing him.  I just kept going, and stayed quiet.  I am so used to be candid and honest and just upfront that if I'm not, I feel I am doing wrong to myself.  And so I emotionally sabataged myself.  Sounds crazy, right? Welcome to the irrational warped sense of logic that a person who is abused encounters.  That emotional violation, more than the physical...absolutely screws with your head.  And the way I cope....is say nothing. To take in pain and just do nothing....I freeze...I do nothing.  And something today made me realize that's what I do.   It was sad to realize that about myself. Yet, it also made me happy...no that isn't exactly the word...perhaps relieved to know that was the problem...so that I can help myself resolve...or heal that part of me.  That I could figure out how to mature that part of myself.  If that makes any sense at all.  So while today brought immense amount of pain....not necessarily October 1st kind of pain...or August 1 kind of pain...Geez...What's with the 1st???! Still, it was a pain to process that I have been carrying around for a month.  And suddenly I felt better about my life, my choices...a lot of things.  Most of all, as I look at my husband at this very moment since he just came home....I look at him and realize he is my hero.  My savior.  My rock.  The person who may not understand every part of me.. (like why do I have a blog? It's weird) Even then, my stress of yesterday was taken away by Jeremy being the most amazing husband.  That man loves me fierce.  He is my protector. I am his Queen and he will protect his precious wife.  And he quietly protects.  He strategically protects.  I appreciate grand gestures of protection.  But what I need is quiet protection.  I am more at peace.  And he does that and also knows how to work his way through things.  Because he's been here since day 1 and knows the entire Jess story. The Jess Ortiz story. The Jess Moser story.  He's been the constant in my life that for 20 years we quietly just got each other.  I never knew I'd have a chance with Jeremy.  And now I am married to him.  That will never get old.  But it is he that reminds me how lucky he is that I am the kind of wife I am.  And he doesn't take it lightly.  He knows what kind of person I am, what kind of friend, what kind of wife.  And the best part...he comes home to me.  That he feels special because yes, he chose me...but every day...I choose him.  I get attention many places.  But the place I always want to be is next to Jeremy.