A reality

I've talked about this dream of wholeness.  Today, I felt the dream a reality.  Right now, right here.  I feel whole.  I hadn't realized that the last part of me not feeling whole was actually losing my friendship.  It would seem odd that something like that would make me feel whole but as I remove that friendship I feel a sense of relief.  No longer do I feel eggshells or monitor my behavior. I don't think of every action and over think it.  Today, I am living.  I still have anxiety here and there.  But even my anxiety has tempered.  I am in a great place in my marriage.  Do we irritate each other? Yes.  We're a married couple.  A couple is lying if they say they don't struggle one way or another in a marriage.  No marriage is perfect.  But I have noticed a vast improvement in our communication.  I also have recognized that I voice my wants and needs to Jeremy much more.  And not just with him.  I voice them to my tribe. If I need help, I ask for it.  If I need a hug, I ask for it.  If I need a vent, I ask for it.  Whatever it is, I stop looking at myself as a burden on people that love me.  Funny how that works.  And strangely, part of my strength is telling my story.  I write my thoughts down here.  I am humbled that one person reads this.  Let alone more than one.  I also write this because someone may need a smile or laugh.  Or need to read that someone else is struggling with things.  A friend, Becky mentioned my vulnerability.  I can see that.  I am willing to be more vulnerable to the world now.  Not just my tribe.  I do that because I do have the fear of judgement.  I will get judged on things.  And that's okay.  Those who judge me aren't taking the time to learn the layers of Jess.  And quite honestly, it's their loss.  On Halloween, I met a woman who summed me in 5 minutes of being an approachable good energy positive impact person.  It confirmed any doubts I have on those who critique the person I am.  You don't get it.  Are the demon voices sometimes going to creep up on me? Yes.  I'm human.  I'm flawed.  But now, having beautiful best friends that lift me when I need a reminder of the amazing person I am is so meaningful.  I have amazing conversations with my tribe members.  Some I talk to every single day through phone calls or texts. Some once a week.  One here and there because he's in the Navy and sometimes doesn't have access.  But the love is there nonetheless.  And the hugs my friends give me.  It's not just one of them.  It's more than one.  These people make me safe.  That's a new feeling.  Jeremy has always made me feel safe, especially with hugs.  It's a wonderful feeling to have it from more than one person.  And sometimes hugs don't just come in person.  Sometimes they have to be in text because of their careers and well, life happens sort of thing.  I am humbled they make time for me because I'm that worth it.  So today...today is a reality of wholeness.  It finally came.  98% anyways.  I would love to not have Epilepsy but at the same time I don't know life without it.  And my 98% is my 100%.  It's the most wholeness I have ever felt.  This wholeness is a reality.