Blessings in disguise

Sometimes life doesn't quite go as planned.  One of my best friends and I dubbed that, "Life happens".  "The plan is" is something I grew up with.  Maybe that is why I prefer planning.  Because I know most likely, things don't go as planned.  So when something go as planned, it's a nice peaceful feeling.  Something to think about.  I thought about that regarding certain things that didn't quite go as planned.  At first, I think I adjusted to it accordingly.  Because going with the flow, that is what was expected of me.  I'm flexible, after all.  And I wasn't in pain.  Correction.  This is me.  I feel things on a different level.  I did feel a sense of pain.  I just understood my pain.  However, last night as I was mixing things up with Jeremy, I smiled and thought, Blessings in disguise.  And there was a shift of sorts with Jeremy.  The day itself was a beautiful day with Jeremy, already.  We had met for lunch.  Once a month I requested we meet for lunch.  It's something I have been wanting to do and figured he would say no.  Then, thinking of things I decided to be playful wifey.  Life with us isn't boring.  Quiet, maybe.  He is studying.  I don't want to distract him.  But something about last night said he needed a break from some studying.  And I am a perfect distraction.  I can be very distracting when I want to be with him.  Even I know that.  I just used to discredit myself because he was stoic and wouldn't show me he was affected by me.  I assumed. Oh. He doesn't always feel the distraction.  Silly me.  He told me he just has a better way of not showing he's distracted.  That's what is expected of him.  So we talk of things.  And "talk".  And then it's time to start dinner.  I wanted to make something nice.  I work right now so I am not always available to cook one night meals.  So I make leftovers to make sure I still take care of him.  He often tells me he appreciates it.  And then we joke "Words! Words!" which is our way of joking about words of appreciation.  It's something I needed desperately from Jeremy.  He loved it, as usual.  He loves my cooking.  That makes me happy.  In any case, there I was in the kitchen blasting one of my new favorite songs because I made a memory out of it.  Thanks, JB! (Centuries). And I thought.  Blessings in Disguise are what help things along.  You gotta look at what is in front of you. You gotta look at how you react.  It's like looking at a positive from a negative.  And you know me. I like looking at a positive from a negative.  I like playing this other part for Jeremy.  This vampy wife.  He bought me an apron out of silliness thing we talked about months ago and I wore it last night.  I was doing my thing.  Somehow I felt like I was kicking ass doing it.  Don't ask me.  I just felt like a badass queen serving her king.  Not because I have to.  But because I want to.  Jeremy lets me be my authentic self.  And that can take many forms.  He doesn't question my judgement.  And he trusts me.  Even with mistakes in my past.  They are not in our past.  Just my past.  It's something he has always told me.  Plus, he always goes back to....  I love you in all elements.  It means I see you at your best and your worst.  And I still love you, because you're you.  I get to come home to you.  I'm the lucky bastard that gets to come home to you.  He's also my husband and as big of a pervert as me so there's other stuff like winning a certain lottery lol.  But that's what I love.  We say it like it is.  I don't expect people to understand.  I don't really care.  It's my marriage.  It's a hard lesson I learned by appreciating and swallowing what I thought of other marriages.  I'm human.  I do judge other marriages sometimes for a split second.  And then I remember I don't know the whole story or why people do what they do.  And it's not for me to know.  Into the Light from Liquid mind is on.   It's something to think about. Blessings in disguise. Believe it or not, my talent for retraining my brain is a blessing in disguise.  Sometimes, when friends ask why I am so strong...I don't know how to answer them.  But today, I think I have a thought on that.  I am disciplined.  I know I know. It sounds strange from the description of me as such as whimsical creature.  I am still that whimsical creature.  But even I have a disciplined side.  See...I look at things.  And I even calculate things. I like to call it intellectualizing things.  It's putting logic with a Jess flare. A Jess spin, if you will.  And then, from information that I have gathered (hoping the information is correct and true) I then taken on actions and reactions by way of decision tree.  Do I still have emotions running around? Yes.  But from Jeremy, I learned how valuable it is to let myself be clear of that to make a certain decision.  I do it more with a clear head.  Sometimes, my emotions in the past blocked me from clearly seeing a big picture because I was too blinded by emotions.  I guess I am learning my own stoic too.  And it's not such a bad thing.  Because the one person who sees it all is Jeremy.  And that makes me smile.  I used to hide my soft side, thinking he wouldn't want it.  And you know what? He didn't used to.  But my way of intellectual feels...just explaining the feel.  Being candid on what I am feeling.  That....he handles.  And I can release whatever emotion is running and vent.  But instead of venting, it's like discussing.  And no subject is off the table.  No person is off the table.  Not even him.  I can talk to him, about him.  I received a beautiful gift from a friend about perspective.  It was a life changing perspective, actually.  And the perspective was how incredibly gifted and amazing I truly can be.  Granted, I do have old habits and want to discredit myself.  But I laugh and think how my friend will flip out and then I get my princess pirate face on arrrg.  And remind myself I am a fucking badass for some of the shit I have gone through. And still come out smiling.  And sincere. And still believes good in the world.  Life is gonna throw shitcakes at you.  Have a little fun with it.  Be your own prince and princess in your own story .
Have a reliable tribe
The dragon has many forms
Be true to yourself and to others. Truth may hurt but at least you know what you're working with.