Extraordinary

I don't talk about the kids much.  It's a private part of my life I like keeping to myself.  However, I think it's a beautiful day to celebrate and acknowledge what it means to be Thomas' stepmom. It feels weird saying that.  It's the official title but I have been much more than that in his life.  I appreciate the courage Sandra has to allow me co mothering privileges.  I am not  deluded to the many horror stories I hear about egg donors and sperm donors.  Or Baby Daddys and Baby Mamas.  Ugh.  Considering the interesting friendship and history I have with Sandra I think it's a beautiful story.  Thomas comes with an interesting story.  I got to know Thomas as a toddler.  I was a family friend, after all.  I never knew that this little boy was going to be such an impact on my life.  That, because of him, I was okay to be a motherless mom.  Ashley and I don't struggle like we used to.  She and I have still have moments where old habits and stuff comes up from our past.  But over all, she and I are in a good place.  I'm a confidante.  I'm someone she trusts and can turn to.  And that feels good as a parent. She loves my consistency.  You know what? So do I.  I love that people tell me that.  You know what you're getting with me.  I don't have agendas or games.  What you see is what you get.  I'm sincere.  That's the word most often used.  I digress.  Thomas and my relationship is just a nice peacefulness.  It's a quietness that I don't have to figure out.  He knows I love him unconditonally.  That no matter what he goes through in life, I'll be in the trenches with him.  That he makes motherhood such a beautiful poetic part of my life.  I see the nurturing that I have done in him.  He has my traits.  He has certain things that are Jess.  It's heartwarming to see.  It makes my motherhood heart melt.  I'm not a biological mom.  But he's the closest I have ever felt to that idea.  He even looks like me. How crazy is that? So today, my lovie...My Thomas is 17.  I'm letting that sink in. lol
This part of me is a part I don't let people see.  That out of everything in my life, it was hard to accept at first that I wouldn't have children. Yes, Jeremy and I could have adapted. But Jeremy wasn't wanting to be a father again.  So I chose Jeremy.  I didn't know this unknown child I didn't have.  I like my life on how it is now.  I retrained my brain, remember.    I get to be a mom on my own terms.    In fact, I get to be a maternal figure in more than just Ashley and Thomas' life.  I have the privilege of influencing a little girl and two young boys.  One day, these children will be Thomas' age.  And I want them to have the same feeling Thomas has.  I am glad Jess was in my life.  And here is the thing...When I watch my friends so happy and grateful that I am in their children's lives I have a good feeling that's exactly what they'll say.  I think I went on a squirrel trail there.

My Thomas.  You are growing up into this extraordinary young man that I am contributing influence.  It's one of my happiest things I've ever done.  I know you wanted to call me Mom.  I know it broke me in two to have to tell you to call me Jess because it was the right thing.  But here I am at you, 17.  I am so proud to be your mom.  Your Heartmom will never stop loving you and staying by your side.