Those days

It's the holidays. Stress.  I feel broken in two for what I just did.  So much so, I cried for almost 15 mins straight.  I did the exact opposite of what I wanted.  Why did I do it, you ask?  Because I'm a pushover and I was worried about part of myself being shown.  The part I don't like showing to anyone , really.  I try to change things but because of my personality...I cave.  Strong? Ha! I'm one of the weakest people ever sometimes.  I can be spineless, really.  It's like part of me is still waiting to grow up inside my mindset.  I actually feel like a fraud right now.  I was on such a great stride with my journey.  I was starting to open my mouth and voice my wants and needs.  And then this week happened.  And I feel like I'm starting again...the very bad path of internalizing all the pain.  The pain inside that just sits in me.  You can be right in front of me and don't even know I'm aching and crying inside.  I am so used to hiding it that I could used to just putting my feelings aside.  It's a very bad habit of mine.  And I thought I was rid of it.  It's strange. I shouldn't feel alone. I am dearly loved by many.  But right now...at this very moment.  I feel alone in what I feel inside.  I am doing this to myself.  But I am like this sometimes.  Some crazy person who keeps all this pain inside.  And since I don't yell anymore....all the more reason to just walk away and take a walk. You know...to be some kind of adult and handle it in an appropriate manner.  You know...adult.  Off and on today I will just break out and cry.  And I will know why.  And I will be mad at myself for having to do it.  And mad at other people for putting in me in the position to do because they too, have issues about being a pushover.  . And mad at other people for being assholes and not even considering my feelings or thinking... hey we are infringing on Jess.  Because why? Because it's Jess.  Jess loves. Jess is about wanting you to feel welcomed and loved.   Why can't I just have been some kind of bitch? I ask myself that question sometimes.  And I know the answer.  I can't bring myself to be like that to people....even if they deserve it.  And so I cry...I cry because I'm sad. I cry because I'm mad. I cry...because I feel all sorts of things...all sorts of ways...and sometimes it's an overwhelming horrible magical crap of a feeling.  Welcome to my nervous breakdown.  You may wonder why I am so honest or raw about exposing myself like this? Because you too, have those days where you give and give and give...and are just so damn exhausted...and running on empty...and boom...you're not done.  It's exhausting.  Sometimes you probably read this because you have those days. The happy days.  The sad days.  The I want to walk away from this bullshit.  I'm the crazy person who talks about it.  I'm the crazy person who is willing to bring out the ugly we all carry inside of us, one way or another.  Some of us are bitches and assholes. Some of us are selfish.  And some of us are such people pleasers...we just let people run all over us.  I am a people pleaser.  I loathe it sometimes.  Sometimes I wish I didn't care about people. And their needs. And their hurts.  And their pain. And their happiness.  And their well being.  Sometimes I wish I didn't care at all.  I told you it was one of those days.  It's not pretty seeing this.  I wallow.  I cry.  I get stuck in this little hole...of pity? I don't even know what it is. Because once I pick myself back up...I'm so pissed at myself for having a moment of "weakness". And by noon...I will be the stoic person and nobody will be none the wiser.  No one will have to know what I am facing inside.