Reflect

Today is just one of those days I don't know where my emotions will go.  It's The death anniversary for Aaron.  Before him, I really hadn't experienced that type of passing.  You're here one minute.  Wasn't I just talking to you the other day kind of moment.  To...never seeing you.  Done.  Final.  I can't imagine how doctors and other professionals that deal with death on more occasion do it. Those are heroes to me. Even if they must still stay detached for professional boundaries...still.. They're human.  They feel.  But here I am, not sure where my feelings are.  We fought constantly, Aaron and I.  We did not have the same opinions on things.  And while I could respect someone having a different opinion, I felt compelled to stop Aaron from some of the direction of his thoughts.  Little did I know.....I don't think I could have in the grand scheme of things changed where he was in the space of life.  I've been low once.  I was 10.  I've been teetering on low a few times in my life.  But because of my beliefs as a grown up, it never got to a point where I would take action.  But one was at 21.  And the other was recently.  I felt like my existence was in the way.  And that is never a good feeling.  And in that aspect I wonder if Aaron felt that way.  In the way.  He was a formidable person.  He could be intimidating.  Especially with his intelligence.  And he could make me small.  But for some reason, like a little chihuahua that bites at your ankles, I wouldn't stop.  And in some crazy way, that was good enough for Aaron.  Maybe because if I stop fighting with you. Or stop talking.  Or just stop everything...I am done.  Not because I want to be.  But because life has put too many obstacles to go back from a point of no return.  It's never a good feeling.  But sometimes the best way to be a friend is to not be one at all.  For their sake.  For yours.  Or for both.  The last 3 months Aaron and I reconnected.  And then that fateful night he came over.  We had Subway.  Jeremy, him, and I had an awesome conversation.  And just before he left, he saw the plate and said that was a great place for it to be.  That was it.  I snapped a picture in my mind.  I remember that moment.  I didn't know why I did.  Until later.  I just remember his face.  I panicked at first, wondering if I had triggered something.  But in the end, over time, and talking with friends about suicide, I have come to understand that it isn't just one thing.  Something leads to it.  Yes.  In some cases there are stressors.  But there is more to things.  I have lunch with Jeremy today.  In some ways that is a great way to celebrate Aaron.  To remember how precious things are.  I cherish what I have with Jeremy.  It felt like it was slipping away for a bit.  Life happens.  But then you figure how you will react from life and take it from there. And now, I've been looking at things with a different set of eyes.  Less rose colored.  But not without as much love.  I look at life with less rose colored.  I still have my positive outlook on life.  But I allow myself to see the very flawed very brutal parts of the world.  Because they are there.  Whether they meant to or not, a couple of friends taught me that.  To remember to see the brutal parts of life.  Maybe I was sitting on a pedestal too long to see that life doesn't work like that.  Who knows? But it was a good lesson to learn.  Reflect.  We all do it.  It's healthy.  It reminds us where we are in the space of life.  It reminds us what is important to us.  It reminds us of memories long ago.  It reminds of happiness.  It reminds us of pain.  It reminds.