Facing

My fear is saying too much.  So maybe there is a way not to be fake with you and you just don't know the information.  I'm in agony.  And it's a silent hell I am in.  I watch and I keep second guessing myself because the outside seems to tell me the sky is red.  Only as far as I knew, the sky was blue.  Hence, my mousiness.  Am I the confident bubbly woman you know and love? Right now.  No.  I'm steadfast in my confidence that my truth is my truth. This is what I wrote today on my post.  I haven't posted since Friday.  Truth is a tricky thing.  Storms come in many forms. Weathering and navigating life and its many experiences shows the kind of person you are...and are not.  My hope is every day, people who interact with me online, over the phone, and in person see I'm being authentic as I can possibly be.  I imagine when I look back at this time, this is a turning point for me.  One I was expecting to ever entertain.  Remember something.  Never say never.  Yeah.  Thanks, Justin Beiber for ruining that line.  But long before your douchiness was around, that was a saying.  I understand "changing" your mind.  But there is a finesse you must take when doing that.  I received some information recently that also threw me for a loop.  I keep thinking...if I had known that information a previous storm would've never taken place.  It's funny how that happens.  In some ways I look at something with new eyes.  Too bad there is no crystal ball.  How I might do things different.  But the danger is how far back to go.  Honestly, I do feel butterfly effect right now.  The demons are running less rampantly inside.  But they are in full swing currently.  Luckily, I have a support system that refuses to let me drown in demon poison.  Sometimes, just for one moment, since I am in the habit of second guessing myself if this is all in my head.  And then I kick myself in the ovaries and stomp my foot metaphorically and say no.  I see my truth.  I understand this.  This is not in my head.  Facing truth.  Confronting truth.  It is something I am willing to do.  I react to my environment.  The very moment I think differently is because something or someone in my environment made a case for me to question.  I am too nice for my own good.  And honestly, foolish.  I trust way too much.  I handed my agony over on a plate.  That's the negative part of me.  But in the same run, I say no....I was trying to express I understand balance.  I am a fan of balance.  But between blank checks, checklists and numbers, infringe, using, deception, honor, perception, and authentic.....I become lost again.  I am authentic as I possibly can be.  But somehow, someway...that is a lost cause.  And so...here I am...facing....not sure what yet.  Uncharted territory.  I've never been here.  I remember having to navigate unchartered.  That first time I was hoping I understood that truth was what I was getting.  But it was all in my head.  This time.  I was hoping I understood truth.  But it's all in my head.  As you can see, that would be a good reason to second guess yourself.  Trust is so hard for me and yet I make so much effort to trust people.  Devotion by Jim Brickman is on.  I am hoping as each day passes this storm subsides.  In some ways, it's business as usual.  In some ways it may never be the same again.  Same as it never was.  And that...that is a fear.  Something broke a few months for me.  I almost feel a de ja vu inside.  It's weird.  I keep gathering my thoughts and trying to process.  It's not easy for me to wrap myself around the last month.  But really, the last week.  I'm emotionally exhausted.  I'm sad.  I'm not angry.  I'm frustrated.  I'm sad again.  I'm heartbroken.  I'm lost.  But I fight to remind myself that I am such an extraordinary amazing woman.  And I will keep fighting to remind myself.