Walking through

It's a surreal feeling walking through a new mindset.  Never say never.  Really.  Here is something to know about me.  I trust you.  Until you give me a reason or reasons to not trust you.  No matter who you are.  Taking people of pedestals might actually be a good thing.  I don't have much stock on receiving words of affirmation.  I'm sad about that.  But the pressure is off.  In the long run, I step back and realize I am a fucking bad ass.  And if anyone can't see it, or sometimes say it...it's fine.  But I have no excuses for you anymore.  And it's because from a span of a month, I saw things.  Like a movie spirally out of control...I saw things.  And it was like I was an audience member. Not part of the movie.  Even if the life was my movie.  I don't need to prove that I was right.  Honestly.  It's not all in my head.  I'm not crazy.  In a sense, THE BITCH was really summoned.  I don't like her really.  She seems to have to come out because she reacts to her environment in an extremely negative way.  But you summon her.  You summon her.  I'm not proud of some of my actions.  But they were necessary.  And I don't expect or really care if anyone understands that.  I care about what people.  Right, this side of me deep down...if you were to ask if I give a shit what anyone thinks...I would have to answer as forthcoming...no.  I have worked so hard to squelch my anger.  And in one fell swoop....5 to 6 years of work just vanished.  My world is no longer Zen.  It hasn't been.  It wasn't months back. Then it was.  Then it wasn't again.  And now it's not Zen because of the effects of what happens after conflict and war.  It's like surviving a blast.  PTSD of emotions, if you will.  Spark in the Night Lullaby by Gary Stadler.  I emerged a different person.  A bit more jaded about things. So, every day, I work towards some different version of whole.  I don't even know where to start.  I'm whole in some ways.  I'm completely empty in others. I don't play games.  I loathe that word never so I will simply say...It's not in my nature to play games.  And while I struggle with articulating my arguments, I know what I know.  I'm not stupid.  I'm slow to respond.  My cognitive is different because of the Epilepsy.  But don't presume that I'm stupid or crazy.  I accept that I assume things.  And so I work towards clarification, and perspectives, and truths.  But don't presume I am stupid.  Just because I don't say anything.  I have to recharge.  I have to figure out my limits.  While trying to be a nice person.  In fact, my problem is I'm too nice.  It may be the reason I see more reasons to let THE BITCH stay.  I'm still working out the kinks on that since I don't like that about me.  Something that seems necessary versus something that seems against my nature.  It's a tough one.  And maybe, just maybe I weave between the two.  Walking through all this is a little numbing.  For now, I'm just taking it day by day.  Taking in the experiences.  And figuring it out as I go.  I have no plan.  I have no structure right now.  I don't even know what tomorrow looks like.  I'm still figuring it out today. 
All this...this clusterfuck of a storm, a storm I am new to...could change things.  I guess it depends on how I will let it change me.  For the better. Or worse.  All this clusterfuck...it makes me sad.  But if this was the true nature....then....in some ways...it was necessary to be here.