Duel thoughts

My thoughts are on this past weekend.  It was a good weekend for Jeremy and I to get our groove back.  It felt nice.  I know in recent weeks we had struggled.  It was the first time we had lost our footing like this.  It was our first serious Oh shit moment.  But we survived it.  Sometimes I don't feel it completely over.  But I understand about treasures.  I understand about being authentic.  I understand.  You sometimes have to see the bigger picture of things.  I understand that now.  I'm proud of me though.  Even when I kinda had a moment.  There is a method to my madness.  It is nice that Jeremy is coming back with compliments.  It's not just me saying something and he confirms it.  It's him actually saying something nice to me.  And saying...That's a compliment.  It's become a bit of a running joke between us.  But my thoughts are also running on tomorrow.  Tomorrow is the death anniversary of my friend, Aaron.  What a complicated friendship.  We struggled in our friendship until the last few months.  We reconnected and seemed to be in a good direction.  And then, he took his life.  It haunts me.  I have learned by talking to others that it's nothing I could do.  If anything, he was saying goodbye.  Jeremy and I just didn't know it.  So I cherish that night, eating subway and just talking.  He saw the plate.  And made a comment about it being a good place for it to be.  And that was it.  I got a call from a friend.  She was afraid I would see it on Facebook.  I got two other calls from friends.  Who were afraid I was going to see it on Facebook.  Talk about a beautiful and sad reality of things.  Friends were protecting me.  I also made a truce and basically started up a friendship that was severed because of loyalty to Aaron.  When he and I severed ties, she thought it best to support him.  And I never faltered her for that.  Those are where my thoughts are.  I'm also reading a very good but disturbing book. It's called the True Story of Hansel and Gretel.  Be warned.  There is a rape scene in this book.  I was prepared so it didn't throw me off.  I do appreciate that my mind does prepare me for such scenes.  I also appreciate when friends warn me of scenes like that.  Criminal minds is a really good show but it certainly gets graphic.  But I'm hooked on that show.  Back to this duel thoughts.  It's an interesting concept.  To feel everything and nothing at all kind of thing.  I guess as we get older, nothing is quite so black and white.  And yet, in the simple answer of things, they are.