ponders

I was having an interesting conversation about my past with someone.  And the idea of someone loving them so much it becomes hate. I pondered if Javier thinks of that with me.  Not with me.  I'd like to believe I would slam the door on him or hit him with a bat.  Dang. I should've kept that bat! But I would help even him.  It's in my nature to help another human being. I don't think I would slam my door on anyone, actually.  I'm actually only afraid of one person.  And even that person, I would help.  I wondered if his love has turned to hate.  I am sure he has that for CC.  It almost stands to reason he does of me.  I have come to understand he is considered an overt narcissist.  How...sad...Sorry.  You'll have to excuse me.  I'm snacking on one of my favorite things.  It's called Pop Corners.  They're Popped Corn chips.  I can;t get enough.  You know you want some now.  Men of Honor from Randy Edelman is on.  So how does love become hate? That was something that ran through my mind today.  I don't know if I have felt that.  If I did...it was towards Javier.  That much I can tell you.  But I don't hate him. I pity him.  He's a monster because he wasn't loved.  He raped me because I was a possession, not a person.  And someone to control.  Almost 40 year old understands this better.  20 something couldn't understand how someone who loved me could do something so horrid to me.  Have I ever told you that was my first time? What a way to be introduced to sex. Talk about f*cked in the head. I'm proud of myself for being strong enough not to harm myself.  Go me.  I may jest but seriously.  I am one strong motherf*cker.  That's what today's thought brought.  Love to hate.  What a story.