The blogness of our life: THE DAY

It wasn't something I could really talk about. Today was THE DAY. When you are in a movie, and that monumental moment where the victim sees their predator...Honestly, it felt like some Lifetime movie. But it was real life for me today. After all these years, I faced Javier. You read right. Today, as emotional support for my friend, I came face to face with my rapist. In fact, at one point, I was feet away from him. How I didn't react how I am feeling now...I don't know. Eh. Maybe I do. Because I am a fucking badass. No hiding through the words so they don't across on the screen. I deserve the whole words. He was not expecting me there. And his mannerisms when he is distraught and upset....well....I remembered them today. I didn't actually look at him directly until one time. We stared each other down....and then he looked away. It was a defining moment for me. I was showing my strength. CC wanted to take me to breakfast first so we first found a shady place and got the hell out of there. It was just...shady lol. And then she thought of Pico De Gallo. I laughed, And she wondered why I laughed. I told her the night before he raped me we danced. And there is a picture that was taken of us. I since have lost it. We look happen. Such a sham. And the next day he raped me. So eating there...well it seemed fitting. Like a redo. I was as strong as I never thought I truly was. Thank you, quiet spaces. Thank you, anybody and everybody who had a hand today on my strength. Those still in my life. And those not. I was strong because you helped me heal. I needed to be strong for my friend. August 1, 1996 was the day he raped me. May 31, 2016 was the day...well...he felt the violation of sorts. If that makes any sense at all. The Enchanted Garden by Kevin Kern is on. I really did this. We still have to do this again. There was a delay. But I really did this. I faced that monster. The emotions running through me right now are all over the place. But by chance, I have Jeremy with me today. And that is helping me cope. For Better or Worse, we are a team. WE are. And I feel a different level for us in our love. Is it perfect? Ugh. No. We have seen an ugly side of each other within the last month or two. But it didn't stop us. We got our umbrella and weathered the storm together. I love that. I couldn't imagine sharing this exhausting day with anybody but him. And then my friends. The ones who have known this crazy healing journey from the beginning. And then you. You, the very quiet space that I write such vulnerable thoughts. Thank you. Thank you for letting me express this very raw and sometimes painful side of my life. It is therapy for me. It helps me heal.

I am always gonna love this. This is what started some of the journey to healing