Rebuild

My new favorite word.  Whether friendship, marriage, or family.  When there is conflict.  There is rebuild.  It's starting, only better because you have invaluable information.  I know I do.  I don't particularly like the information.  But at least I know where to put it to form decision tree action.  Rebuild.  It's the first time I am questioning my world.  It's a surprise to me just as anybody else that I am thinking about things.  But I guess when you see something or experiencfe things...you have to figure...do you want to work on it? Or is it enough to walk away? The good news is that I have an overpour of support.  I think the Universe wanted me to see a lesson.  And see I did.  I can't reach out and say...You know...I get it.  I don't know if I was wrong or right in that situation.  But if you read this still, just know....I get it, now.  And I'm sorry for anything I personally did.  And if I didn't hold myself accountable....I am now.  Rebuild.  Rebuild my confidence. 1) Don't have anyone hold that much stock of your worth.
Good or bad.  Stop looking or seeking validation for your worth.  You are a beautiful and amazing creature.  People see this pure essence of you that they can't explain but they gravitate towards.  You're an amazing friend.  How amazing? This month, without even thinking twice....I am facing Javier.  Not for my sake.  But for my friend's  I didn't even think twice.  I recognize that I might feel my own inner turmoil from facing him.  But it's more important to be there for my friend.  I inspire her.  I am proof you can survive Javier and thrive, despite him.  She draws strength from me.  It's hard to explain to a person what a rape really does for a person.  Only until recently did I even understand what it meant.  I have been suppressing this pain for 20 years.  It took a strong and caring friend to push and push and wouldn't give up on me.  And for that, I can never repay that favor.  I can only thank for unlocking what I have been needing to face for many years.  It affects how I react, trust, think, about things.  It manifested my personality.  I also had the added Epilepsy to contend with.  Then, the PCOS added extra complications.  It's not wonder I was always anxious.  And I understand why I discredited myself.  I started discrediting myself.  It frustrates me because I catch myself or worse, my support system.  I am rebuilding my Zen.  I have to walk away sometimes because I can feel anger well up.  I had a system.  I knew how to control it.  Right now...if I'm perfectly honest.   I don't.  I've reacted horribly 3 times.  Once when I got called a name.  I went crazy.  But that person actually felt responsible and covered for me.  The second time, I almost punched the person because the trigger of delicate little flower just got to me.  And the third time...it was a name and game.  Apparently, I get upset when anyone thinks I am playing a game.  Being authentic means I don't play games.  Why do I tell you these things? As a reference of what to do or not to do.  Learn from my mistakes.  See how this can help you.  I am taking it day by day.  Is the sparkle gone? I'm not sure.  The bubbly happy person doesn't seem to reside right now.  More like the jaded realistic bitchy me is here.  I almost feel it necessary that I am.  What good was it that I was nice? Nice gets me in trouble.  Nice gets me taken advantage of.  Nice gets me too much of a doormat.  And struggling to address healthy boundaries.  So....now what? In Dreams by Lorie Line is on.  One day at a time.  It's all I can do.  And rebuild.