My thoughts

I have a thought.  I tell you.  Internally, I know I have insight.  But I also can't imagine why anyone would want to read or hear what I have to say.  Until I hear or read feedback from people who love me.  And support me.  I have better self-esteem.  Certainly, this year on Aught 1...I will have a different perspective of things.  Every year, around this time, there is a sense of anxiety.  I don't remember all aspects of the rape.  Over the years, I blocked it.  Probably for my own sanity.  However, more recently, I have remembered.  October 1 last year, all of it came back like a movie.  I'm glad I was home.  I'm glad I had support.  I'm glad my friend came that day to be with me.  She was a big help.  I have support.  It's different help.  And it reminds me to appreciate that I am not alone on that day. In some ways, I am grateful that it wasn't the physical trauma I see on television dramas or even more realistically, news and documentaries.  On the other hand, it's always what did a number on me.  I wasn't even sure I was raped.  How does someone question like that. you ask??? Simple. Many victims and survivors second guess their thoughts and actions.  They don't have confidence in their own thoughts.  For me, I let Javier's voice dictate my worth and value.  I figured since he knew me well for so many years, there must be some truth to it.  And Jeremy didn't know that not hearing the words of affirmation was something I desperately needed.  The thing is...It took me a long time...and still today...is taking me some time to reprogram myself.  I thought about it as I was talking to one of my bffs.  The after effects of what it did...with all my healing...still has stayed.  I just have a better way of reacting to it.  I don't know that I am making an difference in the world.  And then...I do.  My world doesn't have to be vast and large.  I affect those whom I come in contact with.  I make you laugh or smile.  I sometimes make you think.  I process and see the world different and tell you my thoughts and leave you with those thoughts.  I can't tell you I'm wrong.  or right.  They are simply that.  My thoughts.  When I started this blog I did it to prove to myself I could be consistent with a blog.  Now...I do it simply to share my thoughts...however crazy they are.  I have readers from different parts of the world that read it.  Thank you for taking the time to read this.  You don't know this American.  And yet, read my blog long enough...you will feel like you do.  August 1 is going to be an interesting day.  And I'm ready for the internal battle inside.  Calming insight of Ourselves by Dean Evenson is on.