While I was doing

While I was doing my housewifey thing this morning, I just smiled.  Sometimes you have to go down to go up.  Within the last 6 to 8 months, my emotions have taken quite a roller coaster.  From healing to hurt to confusion to anger.  To difference people.  About different things.  Including Jeremy.  Including myself.  I smiled because I understood something that I guess you have to go through to really understand.  Through thick or thin.  You hear it all the time through vows.  But somehow, the words have resonated more and I understand them.  Maybe it's because I will be turning 40 in 6 months.  Maybe it's because I have learned lessons from people still in my life and people who have left.  Either way, today, I smiled.  Angel of Hope from Omar Akram is on.  I needed a change from Angel Eyes Radio.  I've been putting it on Celtic Dream Radio.  We also got the Xbox going so I am looking for multi player games so I can play with Jeremy and the kids when they are here.  I joke around that my new boyfriend is Chromecast.  I love it.  I have Netflix on all my devices.  And Hulu, thanks to AP.  I started a list of shows to watch.  And Anime since I have a new appreciation for it.  I had a great conversation with Jeremy on our way home from friends on Sunday.  I didn't like anime and more dork oriented things because I didn't feel intelligent enough to appreciate it.  That may sound silly.  But when you have built inner chains around yourself, it makes perfect sense.  You hear something long enough, from someone you trust and love...and you start believing what they are saying.  I explained to Jeremy, like it or not, his opinion meant a lot to me.  And that is why I desperately needed to hear those things from him.  And when I suddenly didn't need them, they came.  He says them freely now.  Badass or Rockstar come out of his mouth so it may seem crude to someone else.  But it's poetry to me.  Because when I look at it, I really have become a baddass.  Let's be honest.  Half of the things I have wrote about, somewhere along the way...I was headed for dead.  From my own hands, or someone else's perhaps.  It sounds morbid, really...when I say it aloud.  But I couldn't do that.  Not to people I loved.  So I held on for better in my life, figuring at some point it would come.  It took years.  But sometimes, I think this is Universe telling my karma came back to me.  I was good in my life.  I refused to put negativity in my life.  I have negative thoughts too.  Mostly about myself.  But once in a while, I had them for Javier.  Only, in the end, I know he will get his just dessert.  And it won't have to come from me.  Life...life will bring that.  I guess that is why I always tried to stay positive.  That positive is better than the hate one can have.  I have seen first hand how it consumes someone.  They don't seem happy.  And personally, I think they are making others miserable.  Luckily, for them, they are loved immensely.  Find your happy.  People will piss you off.  But pity them.  Because you have your happy.  Hopefully, you have someone that loves you.  Hopefully, you have people that support you.  I have been able to come up the other side because I had the right kind of support.  I have that now....no questions asked.  No judgement.  Just acceptance.  The mere fact I know I am loved and supported helps me to heal myself.  It's easy enough to revert back to bad habits and let an inner demon in or two.  But I have emotional sponsors that check in on me.  And we talk through it.  And suddenly, the logic comes.  I love conversations I have with friends...all sort of conversations.  I feel I learn from my friends.  Okay.  Time to start my day.  I have work today.