Perhaps a stumble

I feel I am stumbling back from my progress.  I imagine that survivors do go through this.  I've read articles that really, the psychological damage never really goes away.  I can see that.  Most certainly, I can feel that.  It started this weekend, Saturday.  I hadn't gotten a panic attack or experiences anxiety for a while.  And there it was.  My thoughts were consumed by an imagined thought.  I knew it.  But there it was consuming my thoughts.  I rationalized and fought.  But in the end, I feel as though my inner demons won this time.  Because the last couple of days I haven't really slept well.  Why all of a sudden this overwhelming feeling? I can take a wild guess it's because next Monday is Aug 1.  And I tend to get like this during that time.  Last year my friends propelled me into that day with a Survive and thrive party.  It was a great way to take on the day.  Each year I find a way to experience the day by going out of my comfort zone or facing a fear.  This year is no different.  Which will be nice with having my family around.  I know almost every parent brags on their kid.  But I just want to say...I love my lovies.  I am honored and lucky to be their mom.  Step mom shmep mom.  Miss you by Trentmoller is on.  Btw, I had a funny I wanted to share with you.  If you end up with a bad day today...do this.  Imagine a picture of pac man, eating the pellets.  Now, stick your finger in your ear and scratch it.  I couldn't stop laughing.  Don't judge me.  lol I need a distraction.  Perhaps a stumble or two isn't so bad.  I am whole.  That doesn't necessarily mean I am all healed.  I transformed into this confident person, granted.  I love Queen Sparkles.  She's been a transition of sorts.  And I can appreciate her journey.  I can appreciate the transformation she took to be exactly where she is.  I think of it as an alternate persona rather than aspects of me now.  That is an interesting difference.  But that took a journey too.  I can't regret me stumbling, perhaps even falling.  I just need to get up again.  And if I fall, it's okay.  Because I have support right there helping.  Even with Jeremy and I not always seeing eye to eye on things.  We actually have been on the same page except for one area.  It frustrates me but in the end, the good outweighs the bad.  And at the end of the day, I feel appreciated by him.  Life is a series of imbalances sometimes.  That's hard for someone like me who strives to make her life so balanced.  But under the right setting, even the imbalance will feel, balanced. I feel appreciated by him of the person I am.  And the person I am for him.  There should be another word for family.  Jeremy is that.  But we feel something, an understanding, a silent appreciation for being there for each other.  I wish I knew how to explain it.  I felt this 3 other times.  So I know the familiar feeling to it.  But it's always different.  It's like Jeremy takes all the 3 points and he puts them together.  I don't even know if I make sense.  Just know this week, I may be a little odd with my entries.