Off

Some days I feel drained and uninspired. My brain feels fuzzy. A lot of things happened.  Some negative.  More positive.  And if it wasn't I'm focusing more on the positive. Happy by Leona Lewis. I'm happy my friends are home. Ray of light and JB. Then, on a seperate note so is Little One. I talked to him early this morning. I need a hug from him. He's the closest I've ever felt to a brother. I'm happy he's home
Off. It's raining.  It's probably not helping this well being drain funk.

Taking in a day

Yesterday was a draining day.  So many stresses were on the table.  So much...I had a seizure.  But from that craziness came positive.  And I love positive from negatives.  Lynsey and I took Indy for a walk again.  It was beautiful bonding time with her.  An incident with the dog happened again.  Only this time we recorded.  I started having an anxiety attack.  I explained what it felt like.  Think of people after a trauma happens. They say people go into shock.  That's what my anxiety attack feels like.  Lynsey was amazing and protective and I was so grateful to have this wonderful person who cared for me deeply.  Not because I was her sister's best friend.  But because I simply was Jess.  She sees something in me that she wants to be near and loves my energy.  Then, another incident with stress regarding a painting job added to my stress.  I didn't want to fight what I thought was very inconsiderate.  Sometimes it doesn't pay to be right.  This was that time.  And then losing a friendship.  Acknowledging the death of a friendship by saying goodbye.  There is hope in the future.  But I really don't know.  We care deeply for each other but I might be more harm than good for her.  And she is an emotional trigger for me.  7 years of friendship.  It's like mourning a death.  But it might have been a cancerous one.  And it might be something I need to let go.  Intellectually, I think it's best to let go completely.  Emotionally, I can't even dream the idea of completely letting go.  As draining as it was I ended the night beautifully talking to two of my best friends.  Those crazy kids.  The couple that has helped me so much with this journey of healing.  Somewhere in time is playing by Danny Wright.  How fitting.  Ray of light is such a vivacious and strong and beautiful person that she pushes me to be heard.  And JB refuses to let me think of myself anything other than this amazing beautiful soul.  When you go from the depths of fear and insecurities where I used to think the worst of myself to hearing such kind words, it does something to your soul.  It is overwhelming at times.  In a good way.  And strangely, out of the woodwork. This week I had several people point out or mention this beautiful vulnerability, shine, radiance, sparkle, smile, new look to me.  Even some who can't see my face said my voice has changed. My words have changed.  That there is a change in me.  Taking in a day.  Today I am reflecting.  I had to regroup.  I really wanted to do my nature walk but as my dear one said. Health first! Sweet Friend helped me to see things about the loss of my friendship.  Little One can't wait to see me.  Red and I had a beautiful chat about things. We had a beautiful chat about Brody.   This weekend I will be taking things down regarding Brody.  I had given myself a deadline.  November 3 @ 7:10 am he passed.  But this Saturday I will take things down.  To some pets are pets. For me, Brody was something else.  My fur son. My companion for 13 years.  I still have Whiskers.  But these two have been with me since my divorce.  She's 14 years old.  I sent something Nat and she said...how do you always know when I need that??? Bob, I don't talk to much.  I don't need to.  We are just familia.  And then Jeremy. For better or worse we love each other.  And sometimes we aren't nice to each other.  I actually like that about us.  We're humans.  We're going to say things that just seem rude to each other and  bother each other.  We learn.  Or we say things that others might think are rude and we think our funny and it's our own little language.  We're a couple of 12 year olds sometimes.  Love sick kids figuring life out...together. My partner in crime.  Go get a tribe.  Find people that love, embrace, celebrate YOU.  Find people that accept you and love you unconditionally.  That love you for better or worse.  That don't just stick around for the pretty parts.  That stick around when the ugly happens.  That no matter what....love you for you.  My tribe loves me for me.  That is the best feeling in the world.  CC is also a big part of this healing.    She gets my pain. She gets it because she was me once with Javier.  And I didn't realize we've been each other at different times in our lives.  I thought I was the original.  No....I was the copy.  And then I became the original. And then she became the copy.  He was angry at her for not being me.  And he fell in love with me because he wanted me to be her.  How insane is that??! See...the strange part is CC and I knew each other back in the day because she was Javier's best friend's sister.  And her brother was like a brother to me.  But I didn't meet ex wife CC until recently.  So Life time channel!!! Maybe we should write a book or something.  And here I thought my life was quiet.  I got crazy stories.  I also found yesterday that my best friend Ray of Light's friend Tori is cousins to my friend Atalie.  Life....just start chuckling.  I am.  Taking in the day.....Taking in a day

Positive reinforcment

Like anything that needs practice positive reinforcement is important.  I feel like a badass these days.  I am radiating as most people seem to notice.  I sound happier because I am happier inside.  My inside is starting to parallel my outside.  But...demon voices and insecurities will always be there.  That is why it's important to have a support system that believes in you and loves you unconditionally.  I goofed up yesterday in a group chat.  I've never actually used one before and hadn't thought it through about including people or removing them if they wanted to be out of the conversation.  My old insecurities were creeping up of how I tend to f*ck things up.  And what happens? My tribe members expressed frustration at the situation at hand but still showed me unconditional love.  I am struggling with someone used to be in my inner circle.  Our communication is misstepped.  I can't even explain the amount communication mis haps we have had.  I'm heartbroken about it, really.  Angel Eyes is on.  Ever get a song that just calms you? That would be the song.  Especially since I am writing the mishaps of life.  I am not always going to make everyone happy all times of the day.  It's a reality.  But I do my best my best and put my best foot forward with as much kindness and grace as I possibly can. Positive reinforcement is important.  It's easy to fall into the traps of negativity.  Insecurities can create problems that don't exist.  I allowed a friend to "poke the bear".  I really get exhausted by the experience.  I don't necessarily get mad inside but it's unpleasant.  But I trust them so while I don't like it if I were to ask for a complete stop or pause, it would happen.  It did, however, make me realize the amount of assumptions I make in a negative way.  It's not just discrediting myself.  I discredit myself by thinking that people might think the worst of me.  That insecurity of well...I screw things up again.  Last night was an example of thinking the worst.  And yet, between last night and this morning I had members "gently fuss" at me but accepted my poor judgement and moved on.  One told me they loved me.  One texted just to clarify that all was well because chances are they know my emotional trigger complications, and one this morning who said to ask permission to include but once they said their peace...was fine with me.  I'm very lucky to have these people in my life.  

Like no time had passed

Some friends you have that no time passes. We're long distance friends but it shows proof that you can still have a bond many miles away. 14 ...maybe 15 years of friendship.  It had been two months.  Life happens.  But it was like no time had passed

The adventures of getting out of my comfort zone

I am Jeremy's queen.  But when I walk out the door I feel like some adventurous princess.  A princess with a new adventure on her hands.  Last night Jeremy and I went to an event called Zombie walk.  Our friend Emily's birthday fun included this crazy thing.  It was so much fun! But here was the adventure.  I was surrounded by flashing lights.  So I had to be careful.  Yet, I had a different perspective.  I will venture with these lights.  And this time I had protection.  Jeremy and two of our other friends, Daniel and Dom took it upon themselves to protect me.  It felt nice.  Dom is tall(even taller than Jeremy, that crazy German! lol) so he usually stayed in front of my walk line.  Daniel and his wife, Shalynna ( I am sure I am spelling it wrong) were zombie hunters and often made sure to push people back a bit to not get to close to me.  I tend to get claustrophobic when the lights are flashing.  I just become very vulnerable, I suppose.  And I remembered why we didn't go to events like these.  But I was stubborn this time and got through it.  I had so much fun.  We took crazy pictures.  We just had an amazing time.  We met a new friend, also an Emily.  So she was Emily 2.  Some of the friends couldn't make it so we ended up Zombies, at our haunt...Zombies.  This is where we hang out a lot with this crowd.  I love these young ens.  I just got a text from a friend, Lynsey.  It's funny how my best friends' siblings become my family too. I hung out with Katie and Amanda Saturday. and now Lynsey.  I love it.  I've created my own little family.  And it feels wonderful.  I need a slow down day.  I've been running crazy since Friday.  I had another anxiety attack Friday.  Ughs.  I am glad they don't turn into seizures.  But they are still horrible to have.  I find ways to ground myself and calm myself.  I'm glad I am self aware of those triggers and subsequently, the calming factors.  The adventure of getting out of my comfort zone.  This spontaneity kick is kinda fun.  It's out of my comfort zone.  But I am liking venturing out of my comfort zone.  This princess is a bada$$.  And she will have adventures...and live...and show the world her sparkle.  After all, she is Sparklepuss!

Storytelling

It's interesting when starting a new friendship.  I feel the need to bring the "heavy" first.  It's a way of explaining how I am.  And some of the nuances.  When I do. People say...It makes sense! I have forgotten that people don't have disclose like I do.  I may be too truthful for own good.  But such is my personality and I don't plan on changing it.  A conversation with a friend last night reminded me on just being yourself...That it's okay to acknowledge that awesomeness and even the not so awesomeness of my life. Not my personality. But my life.  So...to new friendships. To learning more about myself through these different aspects and personalities in life.  They teach me to be open.  They teach me different ways to look at the world.  I love to learn. It's a way of Storytelling.  

Poems

I wrote two poems yesterday.

I Found myself in the Quiet Spaces

I found myself in the quiet spaces
I broke between the pain and strife
I looked upon my fear and cried
I only wanted one thing
freedom from my silent chain
the voice that imprisoned my smile
I found it in your mirror
I believed it because you saw
the quiet spaces that resides there...
is alive and well
the place where not much is said
and yet volumes are woven
There is a sense of magic from
the quiet space
And I now hold the kingdom


The Very Thought of you


You, the very thought of you
makes me cry from happiness
How did I discredit us?
And yet I knew
My pain
My pain wouldn't allow my peace
To truly see that you've been holding
my hand
Only I hadn't seen it
I'm sorry
I see now that you've always
truly adored and loved me
You're here
That's proof
Thank you for loving me enough to let me be
authentic and free
I love you even more for it
Every day I fall in love with you more and more
Our love is one for the books
but for your sake I'll keep it to myself

Not adulting

I hadn't anticipated not adulting today.  However, yesterday's little anxiety attack forced me to slow down to day.  I still want to go to the bookstore.  I get lost in a bookstore.  There is one bookstore I am particularly fond of now.  Just because I got to be still.  Is that odd? That sometimes my favorite moments have been doing nothing? Just being still.  But also Half Price.  Bargain books get me happy like a giddy little school girl.  I'm quite adorkable as a giddy little school girl.  Picktails and all.  Although, my hair is too short for that right now.  Speaking of which, my hair is one of my favorite things about me.  I'm thinking of streaking it or coloring it.  I don't know yet.  I figured I would do it for my birthday.  Back to not adulting.  So one of my best friends got anxious about her dog being checked on.  So I happily offered to check on him.  I even got the nerve to walk Mr. Doggy.  I think of him as my therapy dog.  I'm losing my other one.  She got into an altercation with a small dog and attacked it.  I get the idea she was backed into a corner and felt threatened by her size makes her an easy target.  So here I am...walking Mr. Doggy.  He tried to walk me but I got dominant on him fast and he responded.  We had a great walk until some stupid weiner dog got up in his face.  I barked at the owners and told them to get their dog away so my dog wouldn't react to theirs.  I mean..seriously???! I even pushed this shitty little thing.  My left leg was pushing the little dog when I saw Mr. Doggy staring it down.  Now, something to know.  Mr. Doggy is actually quite gentle.  I absolutely love this dog.  But he is still a big dog and I was unsure of how he would react to a dog in his space.  And I did have the fear of my friend with her dog...and well...you get the idea. "Mary" is losing her dog because of the attack.  She is heartbroken.  I am heartbroken for her.  And them for myself.  So as you can see...I didn't want to have this happen to Mr. Doggy.  I wound the leash on me quickly and told him stay back. Don't do anything.  Are we clear???! And pushed this little shit thing out of the way using the left side of my body.  I also noticed him drooling and that's his anxiety tell.  We went back to his home and I spent more time with him so he knew I wasn't leaving him just like that.  After all, I was feeling the stress myself.  We just cuddled at the end of the stairs and I told him he was such a good boy.  It's interesting sort of having a dog again.  I spend so much time here I feel like he's my dog too.  After all, I think of him as my therapy dog.  On a number of occasions when I am stressed he comes to me to just have him pet him and it calms me down.  Before I had a better hold on my anxiety he would just jump up and know.  I was diagnosed with mild anxiety a few years ago.  My Epilepsy medicine helps to taper that anxiety as well.  And I have been diligent on finding outlets and ways to manage my anxiety.  I imagine there is a twinge of PTSD that occurs within myself that I must work on.  I loathe support groups.  The few times I have gone, I don't fare well.  You would think with my social butterfly personality I would fit in...but I don't.  So adulting will not be done much today.  I feel better right now.  I'm not 100% but getting much better.  I realized something though.  That feeling of wholeness.  This weekend made me feel the most whole I had felt....ever.  90%.  That's huge.  I've been running on 60%...sometimes 70% on a good day.  But wow...90%.  It's amazing feeling to be appreciated and accepted for the person I am.  Loved even.  Every day I work on my confidence.  I try to take chances. I went nature walking by myself yesterday.  That was big for me.  I was scared at first.  But the voice that calms me quieted the fears...and out I went.  The day was still good...despite that stress.  I had lunch with one of my best friends.  We got to hang out afterwards.  I went and got a massage.   I needed one.   Out of the all the reasons I wanted to work affording my own massages was the reason.  Granted, I can charge it on my account that I have with Jeremy.  But the stubborn independent spirit in me doesn't like to.  It was a phenomenal massage.  I was supposed to get one from a friend but he sort of forgot he scheduled my massage on his boyfriend's birthday.  It made me very sad.  But I resolved all that when I checked around for massages and got one at the last minute.  And then checked on Mr. Doggy.  And then the stress.  I made a silly video to get my stress out.  Being silly helps in that way.  My goofiness and the willingness to make others laugh and smile with my antics relieves me stress.  Maybe because I know now how I make people feel.  The close ones to me but even the Facebook ones.  That I bring a sparkle to people's lives.  As JB said..go be glitterfull!!! The night ended well though.  Jeremy and I watched The mentalist.  We had the leftovers I made last night.  He loves my cooking.  That makes me happy. I love cooking now.  We snuggled together and watched it.  He took the night off from studying and we just spent time together before intertwine time. I have quiet spaces but with Jeremy I have quiet moments.,.the ones people don't see of him, me, or us.  Life doesn't always have it that you can do things you want or do at that very moment...because well...life happens.  So quiet spaces and quiet moments to remind you of what it's all about and remind you to appreciate that.  I've been spoiled with unsurmountable affection.  Normally, I would say I don't deserve that much affection.  Now....I say...it's about damn time!!!! I have arrived.

The many faces of shades of grey

The inspiration came more on the school of thought of why someone needs to be one religion or not.  Or believe in one thing or the other.  But it got me thinking in shades of grey in general terms.  Why does it have to be like that? Whether it's friendship? Marriage? Parenthood? Life?! Where did we get the standard...one size fits all? Usually, I would try to venture out with these ideas and somehow seem like I was rebuked one way or another with my out of the box ideas.  I don't know why I like coloring outside the lines so much. I just figured you spend a lifetime trying to experience life at its very existence.  You should do it with your authentic self.  My authentic self doesn't always match the standard cookie cutter ways.  And Frankly, I don't want it to.  The right kind of people will understand the method to my madness.  It's not weird because it's Jess.  Thank you, Heidi Hawbecker for such an amazing mantra.  That quote has had serious mileage! As I see it, shades of grey helps us to open our minds and perspectives out a little bit more.  I think we gain more acceptance on how the world works in a broader sense.  We change this thought.  We might even change the world! The many faces of shades of grey reminds me that what works for you may or may not work for me.  And that's okay.  Some things are not my cup of tea.  I don't take away from the fact it's your cup of tea.  Granted, I may have a squeamish or nose crinkle from the sight of what you do but I'm human.  I'm not judging you.  I'm happy you are being your authentic self.  Fly your freak flag.  Fly whatever flag you want.  As long as we're still respecting each other.

Gift of quality time

This was the weekend of that.  It actually started Thursday with walks with one of my best friends.  I do love our walks now.  I look around me and see the beauty and majesty of my surroundings.  I become giddy when we cross paths with animals. I feel at peace when I do this.  Life has a funny way of becoming stressful.  I am thankful I am finding ways to have an outlet or manage my stress.  However, I will say since October 1 a good bit of my anxiety has subsided.  It hasn't completely gone away.  And I do have little demon voices here and there that like to pop up.  But it's nothing like it used to be.  My new normal includes serenity now.  And that's such an amazing feeling.  And it's the people in it that help to ground me.  Jeremy and my tribe help me every day see the brilliance that this world brings.  And the brilliance I can give back to it.  Then, I spent quality time with two of my other best friends.  As a couple, they are amazing.  As individuals, they are amazing.  As a trio, we are unstoppable. With Jeremy, Look out world!!!! Waiting for you by Jim Brickman is on.  I'm starting to include this as part of the blog.  It seems fitting to imagine the sounds I hear as I am writing.  Back to the blog.  There was much discussion about the Rosary I attended. I have since dealt much with the pain of Javier.  There will always be things I have to work on but I am in a better place with things about him.  He's kind of a loser now in my eyes.  Harping or giving him much thought seems like a waste of time.  As rude as this sounds...he's a waste of space.  I know he went through his own pain.  But, My God....man the fuck up and don't be such an asshole.  He still has monster qualities but it's more looking at such a narcissist that can't or won't see the torture and pain he inflicts on others.  Moving on...I digress. Squirrel! Friday was a beautiful time for reflection and just enjoying the moment.  Music is a big deal between us.  And then Saturday.  One of my best friends took me to the one play I have been dreaming of going to since I was kid.  I'm just too shy to say...Hey...take me to this play..I want to go! Old habits of trying not to be a burden come up.  So JB took it upon himself to take me.    Thank you.  I bought a new poem book on one of the places of our adventures.  We're like crazy little travelers on our adventures.  Sometimes I imagine we're characters from a book.  And then, Sunday.  Quality time with Jeremy just being still.  We snuggled for an hour and a half.  I had my music on, playing my Butterfly playlist...as usual.  But Sunday was different.  We smiled more.  We sighed happily more.  And then the intertwine of us loving made everything just, magical.  I cried afterwards from being so happy.  I cry alot now from being happy.  I don't care anymore.  I'm happy beyond belief.  Beyond my wildest dreams.  I had to have someone pinch me to make sure it wasn't a dream.  I'm having wishes come true that I didn't even know I asked for it.  It's like a new unbucket list of sorts.  And it comes with me sighing, in utter amazement at the gift of quality time. With beautiful people.  I miss one of them but her career doesn't afford her much time.  We talk every day though.  And she is no less my best friend than the others.  So there it is.  The gift of quality time.  It was my 3rd love language.  Oh. I almost forgot to tell you.  I received a gift that sent me in chills from happiness.  It's a beautiful bag with the trinity knot on it.  I feel so connected to that symbol. I always have.  I cherish that gift like I cherish the best friend who gave it to me.  I hope you have people in your life like I do.  This come from many years with toxic people.  This wasn't overnight.  But I realized I had to change who was around me for me health.  And my well being includes mental, emotional, and spiritual support from people who truly love me....for me.  And accept me...for me.  That is worth all it's weight in white gold.

Love letter to you

I don't know you. I don't know who you are.  However, I will never tire of telling you I love you for reading this.  Every one of you.  You take the time to read my thoughts.  That is an overwhelming and beautiful feeling that melts my heart.  I used to need to know who you were.  Now, I like this mystery.  I love knowing that maybe...just maybe I made your day. I made you laugh. I made you smile.  I made you think. This is my love letter to you.  Thank you for this.  My happiness sparkle bag is full to the top because of gestures like this.  It is for that reason I wrote another blog entry.  I felt compelled to tell you how much you mean to me as a quiet audience.  And not just in the United States!!! You, who around the world here and there, read this.   Portugal, I am humbled by you, especially.  I don't know you. But I love you.  And for those who I do know who do.....  You inspire me.  Every day I am inspired to be the best Sparklepuss for the world and let me light shine bright.  Thank you.  Let's change the world...one positive thought at a time.

First day of the rest of your life

Yesterday had some stressful moments with a loved one.  I got through them, thankfully.  It's the after that made me think the First day of the rest of your life moment.  I was lying on the couch talking with Jeremy, having whiskey with him.  We were talking about things.  Good things. Our marriage.  Our understanding of things.  Good influences that have improved how we communicate with each other.  Is there a sense of death that I felt October 1st? The day that I remember everything? Yes. I think so.  By remembering the rape it forced me to face the truth of my life. The Good, The Bad, and the truth.  JB has a funny way of making me look in the mirror and face things that maybe I don't allow myself to.  But I trust JB with my life.  And by that help Jeremy and I have soared to new levels in our marriage and friendship.  Jeremy is opening up.  Jeremy is sharing.  Jeremy is voicing his wants and needs too.  It's a new frontier! My new normal is beautiful.  I wake up every morning feeling blessed beyond belief with the amount of support and love I have.  At first, it felt unsettling and overwhelming because I didn't feel worthy of it.  Now, as the badass Sparklepuss that I am...Fuck yeah!!! I do have a proper side to me that I like having.  Where there is takeback to the days where we dressed up nicer, spoke more elegantly, and had a better sense of integrity.  And maybe it never really was there back then.  Maybe that nostalgia is my mind playing tricks on me that all that was pretentious bourgeoisie.  Either way, it's a part of me.  So is the hardcore badass that is too old to give a flying f*ck what you think of her.  Take her or leave her.  And if you do...it's your loss.  There is always a part of me, the not so sure part of me that looks at this new perspective of myself who is more confident and feel a little overwhelmed by this aspect of me.  But like the voice that my family and Javier used to seep into my psyche and give me negative reinforcement.  I had my husband and JB seeping positive reinforcement into my psyche now.  They are my affirmations to myself.  And my tribe.  It's a beautiful feeling every morning to text my tribe (most of them anyways, some are not affirmation texts people, some get it in person (Jeremy), and some are on a boat (Little One). It melts my heart that I bring joy to these people just as much as they bring joy to me.  Different personalities with different contributions to my evolution.  The most unexpected one has been Cecelia, Javier's ex wife.  There is this strange connection. Yes. The survivor side of us understands what we share.  But it's the beautiful side to us before we had the monster of a man steal our sparkle that we are getting back.  We have a life.  We have love.  We have sparkle back.  So First day of the rest of your life...could be...could be....

Some of the most beautiful things are not things you see but feel

My nature walks are one of my favorite things now.  How did that happen? I'm discovering this woman inside I had no idea was there.  Sometimes discovering facets of myself is overwhelming.  Part of me wants to be angry at myself...or Javier that I waited this long to find her.  But then I smile.  I smile at quiet spaces.  I smile because the timing was now.  The timing was right for me to become this person.  And I smile more.  Some of the most beautiful things are not things you see but feel.  I feel this weight lifted off me.  I feel empowered.  I feel special.  I feel a lot of things.  I feel alive.  I feel meaning....This week has been extraordinary but also exhausting.  Emotionally draining.  I love going to work.  I am passionate about what I am doing.  I am making a difference.  And I know it.  I am starting to see what my worth really is...and quite frankly, I didn't realize what a badass I could really be! It's the downside to being a "victim", really.  I honestly couldn't see how extraordinary I was because I'd been told I wasn't for years. And here I thought he had done something with his life.  The man can't even hold down a job.  I have held down 3 part times before that made 40 hours. At 19 I was holding down a supervisor position at Sears.  It was unofficial and sometimes I wondered if Steve, my boss gave me that role because he liked me.  But people listened... Or doing 65-75 hours working as a legal assistant and QVC.  I did that for two years.  I had a clothes budget and a restaurant budget because I could afford it.  I was an independent woman.  This was before Jeremy and I together.  I DID ALL THAT.  But you can't keep a job.  For all you hollering about doing things...and I gave that power.  That's the part that makes me sad.  But then makes me happy.  I get to show the spectacular Sparklepuss that I really am now.  I get to inspire you if I do so.  Yesterday...while I was relaxing...I was lying there...and just still.  I think it was one of the happiest moments of my life.  Just being still....and thinking.. If there ever was a moment of whole.  I think it was for one brief moment...in that moment.  I felt...a beautiful feeling I can't describe.  I think that's what made me think....some of the most beautiful things are not things you see...but feel.

Another Lesson on Bada$$ moments

I went to a rosary for an aunt for someone special to me. I may struggle with them but when I love I love with all of me. So when someone I love needs me ,I'm there.  But the delicacy of this event was facing my paternal side of my family.  You ever want to know where the negative voices started...there. I was the black sheep for being an  intellectual. And told I was weird. I was scared. However,  I haf an angelic voice pushing me through. And so I went to battle. And victorious I was. It was one of those Lessons of Badda $$ moments. I felt confident at the end of the rosary. And realized I had taken my power of the hold they had on me. I pitied them for not knowing who I teally am. Like, Javier. ..they had tried taking my sparkle.  And Sparklepuss wasn't having any of that. I felt like a pirate princess ready for battle. I felt like a badass. I ended the night in a fitting way. A shot of whiskey.  Even learning more information that Javier had lied to me couldn't burst my bada $$ feeling. I laughed thinking...wow Javier you f*ckhead f* cktard d* ckwad wasted space of a person.  You really are a POS. Good riddance. As Sugar brown say....Ain't nobody got tome for that. lol
I have an amazing life.

Quiet Spaces

Between the quiet space there is life. Inspiration unravels with otherness essence. There is an understanding and deliberate meaning to the dance that is. For when I see what lies between the quiet spaces.....I see beyond I see meaning. I see other.

Thoughts don't have a holiday

I thought about not blogging since it was a holiday but decided it was still a blog worthy day. This Saturday was surreal.  I went to my High school reunion social. Girls night out 1995. I managed to have a much needed amending pow wow with a friend.  Like 21 years much needed. Annette, one of my High school best friends and I reflected on life, time passing, and other beautiful things transpiring during the night. Tiffany was also there.  Tiff is my other HS Best Friend. They are no longer in my close knit tribe but still a very important part of me. There is a picture of the three of us. It felt like time stood still. I become the photographer for the night. Not surprising. I delegated things and organized that particular action since I know we wanted documentation. And I reflected on me being a historian for one of the clubs. I have often wondered if one of my career paths might have been Photography. No matter.  I don't need to know paths. I just need to know today..and right now. So thoughts don't take a holiday. But that's okay. I hope you smile today. More and more, this blog is such an important part of me now. Thank you for being here. Thank you for reading. It melts my heart.

A gesture

It's something I was very aware of last night. Jeremy and I had a beautiful conversation and night last night.  This new perspective on life...this new way of seeing things has opened up our eyes.  And quite honestly, our marriage.  The push for the truth, while very painful for me was a necessary action in order to have a certain freedom of expression in our marriage.  I don't regret the pain.  Because there is such beauty afterwards.  A gesture. That is what overcame me last night.  The gesture itself was the conversation being had.  Jeremy is an extraordinary man.  I can't imagine another man taking on the beautiful but stressful task of walking hand in hand with me on my journey.  I've had different phases of my journey.  I reflect now and such peace comes over me regarding my life that I hadn't seen before because I was blinded by the pain.  I was discrediting the fascinating amazing life that I have lived myself.  I've often wondered how Jeremy fell in love with me.  He isn't sure himself.  He said he just somehow knew.  He just felt this line of connection with me.  That we were saying much more when we said nothing.  That there was an understanding between us.  I remember my imagination taking me places I hadn't ventured.  He was taken.  I respected that.  I was in his wedding for goodness sake.  I was a family friend.  I was part of him and his wife's life.  But as life happened without any doing from me they got divorced.  They were unable to have the relationship they both expected to have.  I did cry that day he told me.  I recognize that Sandra needed to process her divorce.  Granted, I think she was ready for her divorce since she had moved on with Clint..but still.  While I reserve some judgement for her treatment towards the love of my life...it's not without some understanding what she was going through and the struggles she had to be the wife he wanted and needed her to be.  I'm human.  I may not agree on how someone treats a precious treasure I see before me.  But I also understand that sometimes it's not my place to speak up and address that.  It's a delicate balance.  As it happens...all worked out.  I am now married to an extraordinary man.  I am friends and co mother with Sandra.  It is nice to have reconnected our friendship.  We share a man we loved.  Good, bad, or the other essence of life.  It's something I also reflect on.  I look around my life.  My life hasn't been about coloring within the lines. And I am glad of that.  I have forged my own path.  I have forged a way of looking at life that maybe, just maybe goes against any grain of what everyone else is thinking.  I may stand alone in my thoughts, my actions, and my way of life.  But I have Jeremy.  He walks side by side with me as I do this.  We share thoughts, ideas, opinions.  We have what you call the intellectual feels.  I had my feels all along.  I was just in too much pain to notice because he like it or not, is a reminder of Javier.  He knew Javier. He was friends with Javier.  This is much a painful thing for Jeremy as it is for me...watching the love of your life...never knowing the pain she was enduring because she was afraid to tell anyone.  Luckily, I have many others like my father and one of my best friends that want to rip him apart and have him choke on his own shit.  In reality, I don't want that.  Javier is such a loser now...such beyond pathetic now that he's not worth it.  I removed the power he has over me.  He's no longer the person who belittled me with my intelligence because he was any better.  He was the narcissist that couldn't love himself, let alone a strong and beautiful woman in front of him.  Frankly, I was too much woman for him.  I needed a man who can handle this much woman.  I needed a man who could handle the intellectual brilliance I have.  I needed a man who understood the sexual goddess I really can be.  I needed a man who understood that while I was a very strong warrior of a woman that sometimes, just sometimes I need to be protected...and loved...and hugged...and told it's going to be okay.  That sometimes I wanted to have strong arms envelop me and hold.  That I needed to be enough.  That I was enough. That who I am...right now...is ENOUGH. MORE THAN ENOUGH.  That being with me makes them feel safe....and loved....and accepted....and that they feel incredible because they get to have me.  Those were never words Javier was going to utter.  Sweet Escape by Paul Cardall is on.  I am starting to get it.  The light bulb has finally lit up.  I am a beautiful unicorn princess that sparkles.  I am a queen that takes care of my King.  I am a fairy that lights up the world.  I am Sparklepuss, the superhero for the survivors .  I am a superhero for those who need one.  I am still Squirly, Genna, Jess, and Pria.  They just seem to be collective now.  I've been compartmentalizing myself for so long it seems natural to do that in my life.  And sometimes for others. It's interesting psychology to look at all this.  To reflect on this with new eyes. It was very emotional to go to the Rape Crisis Center yesterday.  But having Dear One there was beyond what I could ask for.  And my beautiful tribe holding my hand virtually while I was doing this.  As it happens, I got to talk to the last member of the tribe who has been out of contact because they're in the service and unable to connect.  The Universe was smiling on me and gave me the last of my tribe.  I also have a new and unexpected honorary member.  Javier's ex wife, Cecilia.  I may blog about my experience and you get an image, an essence of my horrors....but you don't realize that she was dealing with it too.  She is a survivor of Javier too.  And with children, no less.  He gave her the physical horror.  And the emotional abuse.  We both share that type of abuse.  He emotionally beat us down.  But oh the warrior queen she is.  She reminds me of me.  Her friendship has opened my eyes. Her friendship has opened a door to healing.  Her friendship has given me a dream of something I hadn't even entertained.....wholeness.  Wholeness.  So think about that when you have a gesture.Whether received or given.  That gesture could be the very thing they need in order to heal...love....express....anything.  A gesture shows how much you love that person, admire that person, think about that person....A gesture could save someone's life one day.  Something to think about.......

Keenly aware

The session went well today.  I definitely feel emotionally exhausted from the experience.  I am so glad I did it.  I am keenly aware of what works for me in order to deal with the effects of the rape.  Today was amazing.  I got to talk with every member of my tribe.  Every member that has been a traveler with me on this journey.  I love them with all my heart.  And they all bring such a beautiful contribution to my dream of being whole.  I had Dear One right by my side.  Her husband is unable to communicate that type of raw emotion but he figures I am better with having his wife at my side.  My husband was amazing on just being there for me this morning.  Hugging me and kissing me like it was the last time we would see each other.  That man still gets me lovesick for him.  I am unapologetic about being in love with my husband.  Then, my darling beautiful friend whom I get to share a very strange and wonderful journey with. Her teaching skills help me in some ways.  It's wonderful to see the process she has on just taking on the love of her journey.  And I am a big wonderful bad influence on it. lol Then them...sighs Those two magnificent crazy wonderful people I call friends.  They are both amazing miraculous visions of awe.  Both I find myself in awe.  Just for different reasons.  And strangely, while I don't talk to him all the time...my version of a little brother.  I feel so protective of him it's beautiful.  And the bond that he has with Jeremy is beautiful to watch.  I've never see Jeremy open up to someone so much like he does him.  Back to the session.  I found out how strong I was today.  I'm watching myself like a movie.  It's astounding.  I am finally starting to see what the fuss is about. Slowly but surely.  And my new member of that tribe is HER...the one who saw that same mirror of emotional abuse.  She got physical. I got sexual.  And we both got emotional.  That one person whom understands those questions and doubts.  Whom I see the delicacy that I was trying so hard to see in myself. Go figure.  I need a nap.   I have to recharge from such a crazy day like this.

The Dance

This new perspective I have of life has really affected my marriage.  Fear not.  It's in a good way.  A perfect example is this morning.  I had things on my mind that were troubling me.  Without skipping a beat I confided in him like a best friend.  No matter the subject, Jeremy continually amazes me on his insight, his strength, and his love for me.  Perhaps because I didn't credit myself enough, I also didn't credit certain things in my marriage with Jeremy.  However, with new eyes I am seeing this side to my husband that makes me fall in love with him over and over.  I am falling in love.  With myself. With my husband, With my new life.  The Dance that Jeremy and I weave is such an integral part of our expression of love for each other.  He hugged me and just held me there because I told him I wanted to just have him hold me.  He wrapped his arms around me and held me there for a good many seconds.  I sighed and took in the hug.  I can't even tell you the amount of strength and support I am receiving from him to just be myself.  Whatever that means, whatever road I take.  He supports me like a best friend.  I used to think we didn't have feels.  I hadn't realized my feels translates to intellectualism.  I discovered that as I was explaining things to a friend this morning about my life in general.  It was an epiphany.  Jeremy and I have the feels through the intellectual talks we have.  He argued with me that I have been voicing myself for years.  The difference, now is that I see that voice.  But he also recognized that maybe because of the association with Javier it might have been difficult for me to see that.  That was another epiphany we both had.  He knew Javier.  He got to know Javier.  Once upon a time he called Javier a friend.  My rapist introduced me to my  husband.  That is screaming to be some kind of book or movie! I was a bridesmaid in my husband's wedding.  I expressed to a friend that I was fascinated by their life.  What I failed to recognize is that I have had quite the interesting one myself!!! I am catching myself afterwards with my discredit. It is still a process to shift the mindset.  This reprogram of my brain is not coming overnight.  Luckily, I have support.  A beautiful conversation with my mom confirmed that when she said..."You've created such a beautiful family for yourself".  That woman amazes me.  Granted, we drive each other crazy at times because we can think so differently.  However, in some ways we are alike.  I admire her so much.  She is also the first person to show me the way unconditional love works.  I've struggled with my Dad for many years.  We are doing better.  I can tell we are both trying to meet in the middle.  That's new for us.  And my kids are amazing. I nurtured this two amazing individuals.  You see my influence. You see me in them.  And then my friends whom are my family.  I love them with every fiber of my being.  I am protective of their well being.  Anyways, Squirrel!
I do love my tangents, don't I? The Dance that I have with Jeremy is a love story for the ages.  I see why people tell us constantly the love they see between us.  This is a love story 20 years in the making.  It's a love story with twists and turns. One very big plot twist.  But the story continues.  Our love story continues. I love that our love story is different.  I love that I am that love story for him.  Mr Intellectual is in love with his wife.  That for all the huff and puff of not having the feels that he loves spoiling his wife.  He loves pampering her.  He loves watching her be happy in all ways that she finds life extraordinary.  He loves that he is the end all be all of her world.  That he is her KING.  I guess sometimes all it takes is showing the princess what the King saw all along.  Be he just didn't know how to express how in love he is with his Queen.  Ah...happy tears.  I told you I cry a lot.  Pandora is playing too so that puts me in the right mode. Keys to the Heart by Danny Wright.

Love Languages

I finally took the test.  At first I wondered why it took so long to take it.  However, after further reflection I realized before Thursday I wouldn't have had a clear understanding of my wants.  In some sense, I wouldn't have answered honestly.  So here's the breakdown.  My number one love language is physical touch.  Hugs are magical to me.  Kisses quiet the world for me in a way I can't describe.  Cuddling is a beautiful way to just say you mean the so much to me.  And being physical is an intense feeling.  I can separate that romantic and sexual aspect.  But for the chosen few that have felt it...I can intellectualize that it transcends something far deeper.  It's a soulful feeling.  My second love language is Words of affirmation.  I wasn't surprised.  Positive feedback for me is important.  Whether I am giving it or receiving it.  It's important for me to create a bond with someone and convey to them the importance they have in my life.  Especially if it is something that is lacking in their life or something they need for their self-esteem.  I am honored that my words have such weight.  My third love language is quality time.  I really don't care what I am doing with a person.  I love the idea of adventures and creating memories.  It makes my heart melt to remember friends or family fondly with memories I have of them.  It's a legacy of love, so to speak.  Emotional photographs.  Receiving gifts is 4th.  I am not materialistic.  So I understand why this is on the lower scale of love languages.  However, I do get touched when someone thinks of a gift that they see as meaningful to me.  It melts my heart.  It means that they have gotten to know me as a person and find this gift as a gesture of our friendship.  Or an inside language marker that we only get.  Lastly, there is acts of service.  I love that people do things for me.  But hugging me or holding me or touching my back is going to make me feel appreciated, loved, and accepted more than doing something for me.  Sometimes it's a more physical way.  Sometimes it's in a more emotional way.  It's interesting unraveling different aspects of myself that I hadn't even thought of.  I'm an artist.  Who knew? A writer and poet, yes.  But an artist, no.  I am a master piece of a beautiful puzzle that has yet to be completed.  It will be interesting to unfold this story that is my life.  Every morning I wake up with a new feeling of hope.  A new feeling of peace.  That one day I will say...I am whole.  I am a whole person.  That my existence matters in such a profound way...the lights will dim and sparkle will darken if I were gone.  That my legacy of love is what I will leave behind. I push through each day to become the sparkling creature that exists within me.  She's slowly finding her voice.  And I watch with awe at the process of reprogramming the mindset.  It's quite fascinating. Love Languages.  It's something to figure out about one's psyche.

Butterfly transformation

It's amazing the journey I will take now.  I call it butterfly transformation.  I have fallen in love with someone.  Myself.  There are sides and aspects of myself I haven't really explored or buried so deep and denied it's like learning a new person.  I did an experiment the other day of how much I discredited myself in a day.  It was quite disturbing.  However, out of that experiment I decided on doing small things to give myself credit.  I can even do experiments on words like stupid...and delicate flower.  Which before might have triggered some deep seeded pathology that I hadn't dealt with yet.  For the Love of a Princess is playing right now.  Thank you, Pandora lol But it reminds me of the place that I need to remember how incredibly beautiful and strong I really am.  I happen to say aloud this weekend the horror stories that have been my life.  I said with such a stoic expression I don't even think I knew what I was saying aloud.  I've been thrown against a wall.  I've been thrown against a steering wheel.  I've been been put on my second husband's (wow...I really finally said that) I'd been calling Woody my first husband so long.  I have been married 3 times but the first one to Javier I did in order for him to continue raping me and I wouldn't see it like that.  It was to make myself feel that what he was doing was okay.  Let that sink in.  That's how disturbingly messed up these monsters put us that we have to convince ourselves to do things that otherwise are just not right.  Moving on.  Woody pulled my jeans down and put me over his lap like a child all while holding me down roughly and spanked me. He also was drunk one night and I made a crass remark on farting and he had a bottle in his hand and pushed it up my rectum.  That's right. Just imagine that.  And strangely, that memory is less traumatic than rape.  Rape destroys you.  How I didn't try to commit suicide...I will never know.  Falling in love with Rickard, someone who deserved my love was the thing I needed to get out of my hell with Javier.  Rickard and I didn't work out.  We were young and stupid. There I said it.  Stupid.  But it's been a beautiful experience getting my friend back.  We are Facebook friends now and I help him with relationship advice since I am in a unique position of being a friend and an ex girlfriend.  We love each other.  We always have.  But we're not in love with each other.  Our 22 year old versions are.  He's also whom I willingly gave my virginity to.  Angel Eyes is playing now.  I always get affected by that song.  Imagine a song that has no words and yet speaks to you on so many levels and different things at different times.  Like the person it reminds me of it's a work of art.  Squirrel.  Back to the story. Rape is horrible because not only does it mean a slew of boundary violations but your trust issues, your pathology, your way of handing sex, your relationships are affected by everything about it.  Your everyday even becomes affected.  You just don't tell people.  My Neurologist at the time, Dr. Tarbox, informed me it was a great possibility that my partial complex seizures might have come back because I was raped.  But out of all that tragedy...and I tell you all this not for pity.  I tell you this because of the beautiful transformation that I have.  That I am emerging into this spectacular woman.  I call her Sparklepuss.  In fact, it's the first Monday that I don't necessarily see the fractured parts that I named.  Squirly, Genna, Jess, and Pria are there.  But they exist under this magnificent essence that is Sparklepuss.  When you have someone telling you things you can't imagine of yourself you fight with every being that they must be liars or they are so blind they can't see that I am a fraud.  I'm not really that person they say I am.  What I had to do was have last Thursday.  Because I wasn't facing my own truth. How was I going to face the truth that by being a rape survivor, being the adventurous person I am, being the intellectual that I am, being the open minded individual that I am...How could someone not adore me? Strong, huh? Almost arrogant. That's how I would've seen it.  Now...all I am recognizing is that I understand the adoration now.  I understand what people are seeing of me.  Because like them, I am seeing me.  I get to watch this butterfly transformation of myself like a movie.  I'm watching it along with them.  Even I don't know the ins and outs of this interesting movie.  But I can tell you, this story inspires me.
I keep saying I need to write my own story.  But I am so close to the story I think I need a ghost writer.  So maybe after figuring out things and goals that will be what I do.  One of my dreams is to write a book.  I have started writing a book.  One of the other dreams is taking Jeremy and I to Ireland.  And I have a job now that allows me to do that.  I love my job.  I help.  I make people smile.  I am contributing.  I am influencing.  And my bosses are amazing.  They take the time to understand that I am not always going to be 100%. And that's okay.  Because I get the job done and I rock at it when I do have my energy and not dealing with the condition.  Because it's always there.  I run on different levels. Thank you for reading this.  It's a beautiful journey.  I had one of the best weekends of my life.  I opened my eyes to new things.  I took chances.  I let myself be authentic Jess to the fullest extent.  And here's the thing....it really is the simple things.  Nothing happened that was so out there.  It was just that I was beyond happy.  And the simple thing became a not so simple thing.  Whew.  Well..now that I wrote a book here.. lol I still smile.  But the smile is more genuine now.  I was often crying on the inside.  I still cry.  In fact, guess what? I'm crying right now.  The little trickles of tears coming down.  I don't care.  I am a sensitive soul.  It's just who I am.  I am an empath.  I feel things on a different level from everything.  I am an open minded person.  I don't always see society and go by their rules.  I am Sparklepuss.  Don't blame me for that name.  You'll have to blame the gift that is one friend that is too damn stubborn for their own good and kicked me in the ovaries. You damn fucking stubborn troll. I am refined but fucking A.  I talk like a sailor when I think of how stubborn people can be.  In a good way.  It reminds me of the beauty that is our humanity in general.  One day I hope I am a stubborn troll for someone. More than one person.  The kind that won't give up on you.  Take your day on.  Smile.  Give one compliment.  Be spectacular.  Because ...you are, world.  Everyone that reads this brings something to the table they might not know yet.  I don't need to know who you are.  I just know that you are spectacular in your way.  You have gifts to bring.  You have contribution.  And you need to read that.

P.S. Did I ever tell you that Javier introduced me to Jeremy? How crazy is that???

To get better, they get worse first

Well..shit...

Yesterday's emotional nervous breakdown was intense.  However, it was necessary.  20 years necessary.  I had been suppressing things for so long I think I didn't know the reality of my horror until my friend Jared made me face it.  Thank you, you stubborn troll.  Jeremy and my tribe were helping to have me face it but Jared is a special kind of friend that forces you to see it.  Whether I wanted to or not.  Normally, that would overwhelm someone.  Me? I needed a safe environment and safe friend to make me see things.  It was overwhelming but very cathartic.  Yesterday, the flashbacks weren't flashbacks anymore.  I finally allowed myself to remember the rape.  And well.....it was horrifying but not.  Hear me out.  Javier wasn't violent.  He did pin me down.  But I didn't get the violent part of rape.  In some ways I am grateful for that.  In some ways it's worse.  I knew my rapist.  Hell, I dated him.  I loved him. Correction. I still do.  It's like some form of Stockholm syndrome.  Intellectually, that's just some messed up shit.  Emotionally, well that would be yesterday.  This idea of what rape really is also troubling. Javier took that from me because he was angry I let another man touch.  Never mind the fact he once again had cheated on me.  It didn't occur to him to I was actually a person with feelings.  Strangely, if he would have approached me as a mature person we might have come to a different outcome.  I look at life differently.  In fact, here's how I was at 19.  I was a virgin.  I wasn't ready for an intensity that sex seemed to bring.  Javier wanted to have sex and each year he would ask on my birthday.  I said no each time.  So somewhere after my 18th birthday I suggested to him to actually lose his virginity. But not to me.  That sounds so crazy to me people but I recognized it was a passage for him and I was okay.  When the thing with JS happened, it was unexpected.  JS and I have always connected.  We rekindled our friendship.  But nothing like back then.  We're Facebook friends and I am happy that we stay connected in each other's lives.  He has an amazing wife.  The date was August 1.  There is a picture of the day before.  We looked so happy.  But that was a farce.  Javier didn't know how to love correctly if he didn't even love himself.  I don't excuse him.  He needs to be held accountable.  Which he doesn't.  He thinks I am stupid and batshit crazy.  I know better now.  He used manipulation and preyed on my insecurities.  My intellect is a trigger for me because of my developmental disability.  I am proud of my intellect when I actually give myself credit.  I do look at the world differently.  I had to in order to function sometimes.  I didn't have dyslexia.  However, I did and once in a while have trouble switching numbers like 21 and 12.  Or Sound and sand.  Things like that.  It's why I am so fascinated with words.  Rather than fear words...I jump right in and learn.  I love learning.  Which is why I gravitate towards intellectuals.  It's like an energy I feed off of.  Now you see why I adore nerds.  I also appreciate the way they look at me.  They understand my physical attributes are great.  But it's my intellect and personality that shines.  Because these attributes are temporary.  Nerds and geeks and dorks take the time to get to know me.  I'm like the prom queen or something.  Which by damn coincidence I got to be...sort of.  A BBQ and burger king crowns and Javier. But hey.  Shithead wasn't always a monster.  But he was a monster.  I can recognize that now.  I became a victim but I fought like a survivor.  And what do you know ? I'm a fucking delicate flower. (Thank you , JB) People who become close to me have the power to crush me in two.  Luckily, it would destroy Jeremy and those who love me and adore me.  But I can at least acknowledge that people whom I have deep admiration and love for can destroy me if they wanted to.  I was scared by admitting that I would fall into a deep hole of depression that I might not get out of. I'd become a statistic.  I was trying to figure out why I was fighting the description.  I really didn't know until I realized I'd been suppressing it.  What I failed to see was that I have people that love me.  They are my anchors.  They are my safety nets.  They are there to tell me it's okay.  They are there to tell me it's okay to cry.  They are there to tell me I am not weak.  They are there to tell me it wasn't my fault.  They are there to metaphorically kick me in the butt. And luckily I have tribe.  More than one person does this.  But one person put their foot down and got in my face metaphorically for it.  So today...I look at my new perspective of being an amazing and inspiring woman. I used to have to construct different aspects of my personality in order to function and survive.  I even named them.  Squirly, Genna (Harley) Jess (Yes...even me was in there somewhere!) Pria.  Today is the first time I saw the accumulation of all the personalities in one. And her name is Glitter bomb or Sparklepuss.  It sounds so stripper name. I love it.  I'm inappopriate.  I'm a pervert.  I don't apologize.  I have a refined version for reality.  Pria tends to help with that.  Squirly is my child like version. She is also the one that got raped.  Genna (Harley) is the unapologetic bitchy side to me.  She takes what she wants.  And then Jess.  The one that is trying to figure it all.  I'm in there.  I just needed to find my voice.  I swear. I need to write a book about my life.  I am but not about my life.  But maybe I should.  We'll see.  Thank you for reading this.  It's an honor that you take interest in my blog whether one entry or every day.  It melts my heart.  So the saying..To get better, they get worse first.  Indeed they do.  But what a beautiful thing to watch that transformation.

The trouble with supression

The trouble with suppression is that I have buried certain things so down I almost forgot they were there.  So a trigger of sorts happened to me recently.  Being compared to something delicate.  Why was I resisting the idea of this description? I couldn't see it.  Until I could.  And last night was the first time I felt the whoosh of what that means.  I am frightened about anyone knowing they have the power to crush me.  To break me into pieces.  I often wondered why I didn't surrender to the idea of what a victim means or delicate flower back then.  It's because if I did...I might surrender to the statistic, the depression of it all.  And I was going to seek revenge by living my life to the fullest! My anger would be through the many times I would jump into a situation I found as discomfort and waited for the adventure.  Whether it was good or bad.  I was going to experience life.  Victim. I said it.  I am a rape victim.  His name is Javier Gonzales and he was my boyfriend.  Someone I was supposed to trust.  Along with that he constantly told me I was stupid.  I was worthless.  That he was the best I could ever do.  That there wasn't anything particularly special about me.  I was ditzy. I was off.  Over and over I heard these things.  I believed him.  Long after I broke up with him.  I lied to his face and said I didn't love him anymore to escape.  Because I was afraid one day if I stayed I might take some pills and kill myself.  That's why I left.  And then a beautiful friend Rickard who turned romantic showed me compassion and love that not every man was a shit head.  Javier isolated me with my thoughts and my family and friends sometimes.  And I felt like a guilty girlfriend and eventually wife.  I married him.  I married him because in my mind if he was doing that it wouldn't feel dirty because we were married.  So when you have a beautiful friend telling you over and over how special and worthy you are you try to believe them.  You want to believe they are saying something true.  But you are so frightened to let all the pain and "victim" out.  Because I am a strong cookie.  Because I have such an armor and I don't show how vulnerable I can.  Because I am frightened to show that side.  That I might not recover from that rabbit hole.  That I have my epilepsy to consider.  That I might have some kind of episode if I let myself feel every part of the pain.  That I might actually not suppress the memory and remember the rape.  I suppressed the memory so long all I remember is the trigger of the rape. I only get to remember parts of it.  Like the freezing part. The part I said no twice  but turned my head to the right.  The part where I was crying through it.  The part where I bled because it was my first time.  The part where he said I needed to have something over Josh. The part of being a slut because another man showed me love and compassion and it turned romantic or let him touch me.  The part where he humiliated my friend.  The part where my friend said we couldn't be friends anymore and it broke me.  The part where he got a girl pregnant and that was why he told me he cheated (for the 10,000th time) The part where stupid stupid me would have been better off shutting my mouth.  The part where I fight with myself that the rape was the best thing to happened to me because I escaped him.  Because I left that monster.  I had the guts to leave this monster.  That with my smiles and affection and sparkle that I scream inside crying because I fight with myself everyday to believe that I am a beautiful, intelligent, incredible woman who is worthy of unimaginable love.  That I have people that adore me.  Beautiful people that adore me because I am worth it.  God, I hope I don't have a seizure....
Intellectually...I see this someway else.  Emotionally...emotionally doesn't have rationale.
It's nice to have a voice that grounds me.  Sighs.  I need to come out of the rabbit hole of crazy.